Question

我求一些英语阅读的笑话~~~尽量就是小短文~~~谁能帮帮我啊?

Answer 1

搜就好了啊
这是我查到的

1、How much English can you speak?

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

中文翻译
"法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且，他只会说几个英语单词。"
法官看了看被告，问道："你会说多少英文？"
被告抬起头，说："把你的钱包给我！"

2

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字，而女人每天使用30000个。
妻子想了一会儿说，女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。
他问："什么？"

3

Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
男孩：这个座位是空的么？
女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。

4、

"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."
"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."
"But has he finished his own cake?"
"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."
"汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？" 妈妈在厨房里问。"他在哭。"
"没事儿，妈妈，" 汤姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。"
"他已经吃完自己的了么？"
"是的。" "我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。"

2009-6-7

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
路人甲对路人乙说，"猜猜我兜里有几个子儿？"
路人乙说："我猜对了，你能给我一个不？"
路人甲说："你要猜对了，我两个全部给你！"

2009-6-6研究生和本科生的区别

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."
一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说："我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。" "我说'下午好'的时候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。"

2009-6-5

Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?
Tom: Every month.
爸爸：告诉我汤姆，哪个月有28天呢？
汤姆：每个月都有啊！

2009-6-4making faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼脸，便去轻责他。
这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑着，说："博比，我小的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，我的脸就会僵硬，永远都那么丑。"
博比抬头看了看老师，说："史密斯小姐，你可别说没人警告过你啊。"

2009-6-3

A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."
一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。
当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都给吃光了。
他们离开时，他的朋友对祖母说:"谢谢您的花生。"
结果祖母说:"唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外层的巧克力了。"

2009-6-2

A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。
他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。
"所以，儿子啊，"父亲问道，"得出什么结论？"
"恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！"

2009-6-1

Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.

"Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."

"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"

"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."

中文翻译：

一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。

"大夫！"他说，"帮帮我！一个月前我吞了一分硬币！"

"天哪，"大夫说，"早干嘛去了？你当时怎么不来看？"

"实话告诉您吧，大夫，"穷人说，"我当时还不缺钱！"

2009-5-31

Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?
Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。
女孩：应该只有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。

2009-5-30

In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?"
"To be deaf," replied the boy.
"Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily.
"Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.
在一次音乐学院的入学考试中，老师问其中一个男孩："音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么？"
"耳聋，"男孩答道。
"胡说！"老师气愤地说。
"怎么了，先生！难道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音乐家贝多芬是个聋子吗？"男孩轻蔑地反问道。

2009-5-28

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
Bartender: "That should make you happy."
The man: "No, the month is up today!"
一个男人坐在酒吧里，伤心至极。
酒吧招待："你怎么了？跟老婆闹矛盾了？"
男人："我们吵了一架，她说一个月都不跟我说话。"
酒吧招待："那你应该高兴才是啊！"
男人："不，今天是这个月的最后一天。"

【Laughter】2009-5-27
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
女人找了老公之前都在担忧未来。男人娶了老婆之前从来不为未来担忧。

2009-5-26

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
男人想要的东西，要是值1块钱却卖2块，他也会买；而对于女人，即使是不想要的东西，要是值2块钱却只卖1块，她也会买。

2009-5-25

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Umm...How much for a season pass?"
女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。
"不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚款。还有什么疑问么？"
这时人群中一个男同学问道，"那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？"

2009-5-24

Boy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.
男孩：我可以给你买杯饮料吗？
女孩：你不如直接把钱给我得了。

2009-5-22

Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.
医生：听上去你咳嗽今天好多了。
病人：应该如此。我昨晚练习了一整夜。

2009-5-21

Pete: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."
Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."
皮特："我上次出去打猎，跌下了很高的悬崖，信不信由你，当我跌落的时候，我脑海里浮现了我做过的所有蠢事。"
鲍勃："你一定是从万丈高山上跌落的吧。"

2009-5-19

Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
2个男孩与祖父母一起过夜，他们跪在床边做睡前祷告。弟弟声嘶力竭地祈祷: "我祈求一辆自行车，一张新DVD……"
哥哥用肘轻推他: "你为什么大喊着祈祷？上帝又不聋。"
弟弟答道:"上帝是不聋，但是奶奶聋。"

2009-5-18

A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"
"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"
巡警发现一名妇女边开车边织毛衣，便开车上前，说："靠边停车(套头衫)！"
"不，" 她回答，"是一双袜子！"

Answer 2

Family problems…

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven'teven met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a

woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems..

Count to one Hundred Before You Speak

In class,the teacher,with his back leaning against the stove,said to the students,"Before you speak,you should think and count to at least 50,and for important matters to 100."

No sooner had the teacher stopped talking than the students began to count.

at last all the students shouted together,"1...98,99,100.teacher,your clothes are on fire."

数到一百再说

课堂上，老师背靠火炉站着，对学生们说：“说话前要三思，起码数到50，重要的事情要数到一百。”

老师的话音刚落，学生立刻从“1”开始数起来。最后一起喊：“98，99，100！老师，您的衣服着火了。”

2.The Advantage of Alcohol

In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,"what does this show?"

The student answered,"It shows that people won't get parasites if they drink more alcohol."

酒的好处

为了证明酒精对生物的危害，老师把一只虫子放入装有酒精的杯子里，虫子很快就死了。老师问一个学生：“这说明了什么？”

学生答道：“说明人多喝酒，就不会长虫子。”

3.Exchange the Tortoise for the Wolf

Teacher:Some students are becoming arrogant.Do you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise?

Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.

Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare won't fall asleep?

Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.

把乌龟换成狼

老师：有些同学开始骄傲了，大家还记得龟兔赛跑的故事吗。小明，你说说看，兔子为什么输给乌龟？

小明：因为它睡觉了。

老师：对极了！我们应该怎么做才能让兔子不睡觉呢？

小明：把乌龟换成狼！

搞笑电脑问题大全：能帮我重启网络吗？

Computer help desks are used to fielding oddball requests but sometimes the questions leave even the best of them stumped.

Such as: "Why isn't my wireless mouse connected to the computer?"

Or: "Can you reset the Internet for me?"

Then there was the questioner who asked: "Where can I get software to track UFOs?"

Robert Half Technology, a provider of information technology professionals based in Menlo Park, California, asked 1,400 chief information officers from companies across the United States to come up with the most baffling questions their help desks or technical support teams had ever received. Among the more unusual were:

-- "My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"

-- "Can you rearrange the keyboard alphabetically?"

-- "My daughter is locked in the bathroom, can you pick the lock?"

-- "Can you tell me the weather forecast for next year?"

-- "Can you install cable TV on my PC?"

Then there was the computer user who confused the CD-ROM drive with a drink holder and asked: "How do I get my computer's coffee-cup holder to come out again?"

Katherine Spencer Lee, executive director of Robert Half Technology, said such queries were a test of the skills of the help and technical support desks.

"These unusual requests highlight the need for technical support personnel to also demonstrate patience, empathy and a sense of humor," she said.

帮用户解决电脑问题是电脑技术支持的主要职责，但有时用户提的问题甚至把IT精英们都给难倒了。

比如：“为什么我的无线鼠标没连在电脑上？”

再如：“能帮我重启一下网络吗？”

还有人会问：“在哪能下载追踪UFO的软件？”

总部位于加州门罗园的“罗伯特1/2”IT咨询公司日前对美国各地的1400位公司IT主管进行了一项调查，让他们列出公司的技术咨询或支持部门所遇到的“最难回答”的问题。其中包括：

“电脑提示：请按任意键继续。这个任意键在哪？”

“你能将键盘按字母顺序重排吗？”

“我女儿被锁在浴室了，你能开锁吗？”

“能不能帮我查查明年的天气预报？”

“能帮我在电脑上安装有线电视吗？”

还有一位用户将光盘驱动器（CD-ROM）与一种杯架混淆了，问曰：“怎么把电脑上的咖啡杯架弄出来？”

“罗伯特1/2”IT咨询公司的执行官凯瑟琳?6?1斯宾塞?6?1李说，这些问题对于技术人员来说的确是个考验。

她说：“技术人员在解答这些问题时，一定要有耐心，要理解用户，还要有些幽默感。”

Fresh Richer

A fresh richer is purchasing coffin in the store for the death．A person asks him：“Which one is better？”He says：“Of course the zinc1)－filled is more durable2)，but the wooden is helpful to the health．”

新 贵

一个新贵在墓葬品商店选购他死时要用的棺材，有人问他：“最好买哪一种？”他说：“镀锌的棺材当然比较耐用，但木制棺材有益于健康。”

NOTE 注释：

1. zinc n. 锌 vt. 涂锌于.

2. durable adj. 持久的, 耐用的

The reds or the greens？

Two apples up in a tree were looking down on the world．The first apple said，“Look at all those people fighting，robbing，rioting －－no one seems willing to get along with his fellow man．Some day we apples will be the only ones left．Then we'll rule the world．”Replied the second apple，“Which of us －－the reds or the greens？”

红的还是绿的？

树上的两只苹果俯瞰着世界。第一只苹果说：“瞧瞧这些人吧，争斗、抢劫、骚乱——似乎就没有人愿意与别的人好好相处。总有一天，我们苹果就会成为世上惟一的幸存者。到那时我们就将统治世界。”第二只苹果回答说：“我们中的哪些呢——红的还是绿的？”

本文无注释

You don’t have to pay for lightning

Teacher：Who can tell me the difference between lightning and electricity？

Student：You don’ t have to pay for lightning.

闪电不用付钱

老师：谁能告诉我闪电与电的区别？

学生：闪电不用付钱。

本文无注释
H o n e s t y

A man who is driving a car stopped by a police officer．The following exchange takes place．．．

Man：What's the problem，officer？

Officer：You were going at least 75in a 55zone．

Man：No，sir，I was going 65．

Wife：Oh，Harry．You were going 80．（Man gives his wife a dirty look．）

Officer：I' m also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight．

Man：Broken taillight？I didn't know about a broken taillight。

Wife：Oh Harry，you've known about that tail for weeks．（Man gives his wife another dirty look．）

Officer：I' m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt．

Man：Oh，I just took it off when you were walking up to the car．

Wife：Oh，Harry，you never wear your seat belt．

Man：Shut your dang mouth。

Officer：（Turns to the woman）：Ma ' am，does your husband talk to you this way all the time？

Wife：No，only when he's drunk．

诚 实

警官让一位驾车的男士停下车。随后出现如下的对话：

男士：警官，有什么问题？

警官：你在限速55英里的地段开到至少75英里。

男士：不，长官，是65英里。

妻子：啊，哈里，你刚才开到80英里。（男士瞪了妻子一眼。）

警官：我还要给你张罚单，你的尾灯碎了。

男士：尾灯碎了？你不说，我还真不知道尾灯碎了。

妻子：哦，哈里，几个星期以前你就知道了。（男士又恶狠狠地瞪了她一眼。）

警官：我还要给你张传票，你没系安全带。

男士：噢，你朝我车走过来的时候我才解开的。

妻子：啊，哈里，你从来都不系安全带。

男士：闭上你的臭嘴。

警官：（转向女士）夫人，你丈夫总是这样跟你说话吗？

妻子：不，只有当他醉了的时候。

本文无注释
He must have a computer

A mother was teaching her 5-year-old son about God. “Do you know, ”she said to him one day, “that God knows where everybody is all the time, and exactly what they are doing. ”The little boy looked at his mother wide-eyed and said, “Wow. He must have a computer.”

他一定有台电脑

一位母亲给她5岁的儿子讲上帝。“你知道吗, ”有一天她对他说, “无论一个人在哪里, 在干什么事情, 上帝都知道。”小男孩睁大了眼睛看着他妈妈说, “哇。那他一定有一台电脑。”

本文无注释
Nice Try

My wife and I were stopped by a state policeman. He started to write up a speeding ticket. My wife, who’s a hair stylist, said, “If you let us off with a warning, I’ll give you a free haircut for a year. ”

The policeman removed his hat--and he was completely bald.

□by Peter Orphanos

尝 试

我和妻子被警察拦住了，他给我们开一个超速的罚款单。我的妻子是一个发型设计师，于是她就对警察说，“如果你让我们免于警告，我就为你免费理发一年。”

警察脱下他的帽子——他是一个光头。

本文无注释

Who is Disgusting

First：“My neighbor is very disgusting，who moved here recently，he rang the bell of my house with a rush late at night．”

Second：“It is disgusting in faith，do you call the police？”

First：“No．I just take him as a madman，and continue to play my piano．”

谁可恶

甲：“我家新搬来的邻居好可恶，竟然深更半夜跑来猛按我家的门铃。”

乙：“的确可恶。你有没有报警？”

甲：“没有。我当他是疯子，继续弹我的琴。”

本文无注释
Where the Declaration of Independence was signed?

Teacher：“Who knows where the Declaration of In dependence was signed？”

Student：“I know，I know．At the bottom of the page．”

《独立宣言》是在哪儿签字的？

老师：“谁知道《独立宣言》在哪儿签字的？”

学生：“我知道，我知道。是在那页纸的底部。”

本文无注释
Driving car

Father：“Uh，oh，I think I just made an illegal right－hand turn．”

Susie：“That' s okay，Dad，the policeman behind you just did the same thing．”

开 车

父亲：“哎呀，我刚才违规右转弯了。”

苏茜：“没事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也这么转了。”

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Humor

Mother：“Susie，every time you misbehave，I get another gray hair．”

Susie：“Gosh，mom，you must have been a terror．Just look at Grandma．”

幽 默

母亲：“苏茜，每次你表现不好，我就多长一根白头发。”

苏茜：“天哪，妈，那你肯定一直都表现很糟。看看外婆吧。”

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Not Necessary To Answer

Teacher：“I have two questions，it isn't necessary to answer the second question if you know the result of the first question．How much hair do you have？”

Student ：“A hundred and twenty millions．”

Teacher：“How do you know it？”

Student：“It is not necessary to answer the second question．”

无 需 回 答

老师：“我有两个题目，你若能答出第一题就不需答第二题。你有多少根头发？”

学生：“1．2亿根。”

老师：“你怎么知道？”

学生：“第二题不需回答。”

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Now I can go home

One day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question．I'll permit him or her to go home earlier．” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed．He was very angry and asked，“Who did it？Please stand up! ” “It' s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good－bye，Sir! ”

我 可 以 回 家 了

一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：“明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能回答我的第一个问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。”第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板已被乱涂，他非常生气地问：“谁涂的？ 请站起来。”鲍勃说：“先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见。”
Don’t tell her

Two twins went to the kindergarten．“Who's the elder and who's the younger one？” asked a nurse．

One of them winked and said，“Elder brother，don't tell her．”

不 要 告 诉 她

两个双胞胎走进幼儿园。“你们两个谁大谁小？”保育员问。

其中的一个眨了眨眼睛说，“哥哥，不要告诉她。”

The Things Kids Say

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm1) a mother was tucking her small boy into bed．She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor2) in his voice，“Mommy，will you sleep with me tonight ？”The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring3) hug． “I can' t，dear．” She said．“I have to sleep in Daddy's room．”Along silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice：“The big sissy4)．”

童言无忌

一个夏季的晚上，雷雨大作，母亲让小男孩上床钻进被窝。她正准备熄灯，孩子声音颤抖地问：“妈咪，你今晚可以陪我睡吗？”母亲笑着，拥抱一下小孩安慰说，“亲爱的，不可以。我得睡在爸爸的房间。”一阵长长的沉默之后，男孩小声地用颤音说：“大胆小鬼。”

NOTE 注释：

1. thunderstorm n. [气]雷暴

2. tremor n. 震动, 颤动

3. reassuring adj. 安心的, 可靠的

4. sissy n. 胆小鬼

Answer 3

A ittle boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,looking at the old pages as he turned them.then something fell out of the bible and he picked up and looked at it closely.it was an old leaf from a tree.the leaf had been pressed in between pages.
"momma,look what i found,"the boy called out.
"what have you got there ,dear?"his mother asked.
with astonishment in the young boy's voice ,he answered:"it's Adam's suit!!!"

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