Question

我写的第一篇托福独立作文，还不知道自己有什么缺点，求批改！谢谢！

作文题目大致是：你同不同意“任朋友犯错比说出实话要好”？
In our daily life, friendship serves as one of the essential elements that lead to our future success. However, people are invariably faced with such a question: tolerating a friend’s mistake or giving some sincere thoughts to the friend? And apparently, people get into a dilemma frequently on this question. From my perspective, I am in the favor of the opinion that pointing out the mistake of a friend is better than simply letting a friend make mistakes. Among countless factors which contribute to my position are following conspicuous ones:

Basic to any understanding of the benefits we can get from pointing frankly on the mistake of a friend is that it can show a person’s honesty, which we universally acknowledged as a good virtue. First and foremost, there’s a good chance that your honesty wouldn’t do harm to friendship and even s/he would probably appreciate your straightforwardness; instead, your sincerity may help to enhance friendship with each other, which is a behavior of responsibility as well.

Besides, it is reliance between good friends that builds a lasting relationship, without which maybe we cannot never find a true friend. If s/he trusts you, you wouldn’t have to consider the result of being frank too much. I can think of no better illustration than the my personal experience, I once honestly pointed out the mistake of my friend and she appreciated my sincerity. Since then we have built an enhanced relationship with each other. Only via comprehension, sincerity, and concern to each other can we keep a benign friendship.

Admittedly, being honest, to some extent, may directly or indirectly hurt a friendship, however, it depends mostly on your manner of talking about the mistake. For instance, if s/he indicates the mistake too aggressively to his/her friend, it absolutely will hurt the friendship. Compared with aggression, by using a relatively indirect way to speak would be a wiser choice.

Consequently, I reinforce my disagreement on the statement that standing by and letting friends make mistake is better than saying or doing something. Nevertheless, speaking of dealing with friend’s mistake, we should not only give our genuine advice but also pay attention to the attitude we use of giving advice.

Answer 1

1. 模板痕迹太严重，好多废话不用说，你直接i firmly think...就完了
2. 第一body段主题句太长太罗嗦，even那应该拆分成单句。instead不合适。最后一句的which你想修饰谁？最好就近指代。 只有说理性的内容，没有例证，展开不充分
3. 第二body段第一句语序不对。 i can think那句废话太多，例证没细节，你可以展开说是无意间看到他的作业上有拼写错误，他因此获得好成绩并非常感谢你。 benign用得不好
4. 让步段的让步内容没有展开

总体评价，你三个主体段展开都不完善，语言功底尚不错。如果你是30分钟内完成的话可以得3分以上，但看这精雕细琢的样子不像是按时写出的。

追问

谢谢！请问可以发短消息留给我一个邮箱么！以后我再写作文你有空的时候能帮我改改么！感激不尽！！！恩我这篇文章确实借鉴了巨多的模板，因为第一次写作文怕自己裸写写不出东西来。还有让步段应该怎么展开呢？