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Musicisawonderfulthingthatmakesmehappyandrelaxed,whenIamtiredandnervousinmydailylife....
Music is a wonderful thing that makes me happy and relaxed, when I am tired and nervous in my daily life. That’s why I enjoy music a lot and very concern about the developing of music. Music is a part of culture which develops at a high rate of speed like other parts of culture in our society. Obviously, I think that music in my generation is very different from music in my parents’ generation because of following three reasons.
Above all, I think the biggest difference between music in my generation and music in my parents’ generation is that dancing, which means that in the past, the music is very monotonous. However, there are many kinds of dancing contained in the music nowadays, which make the music much more abundant. There is an example that presents the difference about dancing. I still remember that I watched a TV program like some music shows with my parents last year, and I was enjoying the music with dancing of singers. And then, my parents told me that in the past, the music did not look like the music in today because there is no dancing and any other things in the music, and they just listen to the music and feel it. They were very excited, when they watched the music with dancing. It provides passion, energy and power to the music, which makes the music very abundant not just the music, which is very monotonous. Therefore, the one of the differences between the music in the past and the music nowadays is dancing, which makes the music more lively and interesting. 展开
Above all, I think the biggest difference between music in my generation and music in my parents’ generation is that dancing, which means that in the past, the music is very monotonous. However, there are many kinds of dancing contained in the music nowadays, which make the music much more abundant. There is an example that presents the difference about dancing. I still remember that I watched a TV program like some music shows with my parents last year, and I was enjoying the music with dancing of singers. And then, my parents told me that in the past, the music did not look like the music in today because there is no dancing and any other things in the music, and they just listen to the music and feel it. They were very excited, when they watched the music with dancing. It provides passion, energy and power to the music, which makes the music very abundant not just the music, which is very monotonous. Therefore, the one of the differences between the music in the past and the music nowadays is dancing, which makes the music more lively and interesting. 展开
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Music is a wonderful thing(thing→alternative n.选择） that makes me happy（happy→pleased惬意） and relaxed, when I am tired and nervous in my daily life（用下形式宾语：when I feel it more tired and nervous to do everything that is assigned in my daily life) . That’s why I enjoy music a lot and very(用下非谓语动词：being) concern about the developing(语法错误：development n.) of music. Music is a part of culture (可用：plays a vital role in culture) which develop（定语从句用的太多了：improved） at a high rate of speed like other parts of culture in our society. Obviously, I think（可采用同位语从句：I hold a view) that music in my generation is very(very频率太高：quiet;greatly……) different from music in my parents’ generation because of following three reasons.
Above all(这个用在这里突兀了吧，应该是结尾部份的，可以用Firstly), I think the biggest difference between music in my generation and music(这里可以使用代词one) in my parents’ generation(这个单词可以省略的） is that（that不要） dancing, which means that in the past, the music is very monotonous（这个用的不错）. However, （可以加一句：with the development of the music industry and the cultivation of singer and dancer improved) ,there are many kinds of dancing contained in the music nowadays(既然是叙述理由，可以使用强调句：it is many sorts of dancing style that contains in the music tv nowadays), which make(这里仍旧采取非谓语动词为佳：making,删去which) the music much more abundant. There is an example that presents the difference about dancing. I still remember that I watched a TV program like some music shows with my parents last year, and I was enjoying the music with dancing of singers. （这句改成：A frogotful matter still born in my mind is that last year I watch a TV program like a music show with my parents that with a dancing of a singer absorbed me most.如何）
And then（secondly), my parents told me that in the past, the music did not look like the music(使用代词one） in today because（可用in that） there is no dancing and any other things in the music, and they just listen to the music and feel it. They were very excited, when they watched the music with dancing. It provides passion, energy and power to the music, which makes the music very（换个词） abundant not just the music, which is very monotonous. Therefore, the one of the differences between the music in the past and the music nowadays is dancing, which makes the music more lively and interesting.
总结：
1、VERY使用频率过高
2、定语从句使用频率过高
3、论证不够充分有力
Above all(这个用在这里突兀了吧，应该是结尾部份的，可以用Firstly), I think the biggest difference between music in my generation and music(这里可以使用代词one) in my parents’ generation(这个单词可以省略的） is that（that不要） dancing, which means that in the past, the music is very monotonous（这个用的不错）. However, （可以加一句：with the development of the music industry and the cultivation of singer and dancer improved) ,there are many kinds of dancing contained in the music nowadays(既然是叙述理由，可以使用强调句：it is many sorts of dancing style that contains in the music tv nowadays), which make(这里仍旧采取非谓语动词为佳：making,删去which) the music much more abundant. There is an example that presents the difference about dancing. I still remember that I watched a TV program like some music shows with my parents last year, and I was enjoying the music with dancing of singers. （这句改成：A frogotful matter still born in my mind is that last year I watch a TV program like a music show with my parents that with a dancing of a singer absorbed me most.如何）
And then（secondly), my parents told me that in the past, the music did not look like the music(使用代词one） in today because（可用in that） there is no dancing and any other things in the music, and they just listen to the music and feel it. They were very excited, when they watched the music with dancing. It provides passion, energy and power to the music, which makes the music very（换个词） abundant not just the music, which is very monotonous. Therefore, the one of the differences between the music in the past and the music nowadays is dancing, which makes the music more lively and interesting.
总结：
1、VERY使用频率过高
2、定语从句使用频率过高
3、论证不够充分有力
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