Question

托福作文求指教！求评分！

题目是live independently or live with families.
There are some young adults living independently, while there are also some other young people living with their families. For me, I prefer to live with my families for a longer time. There are several advantages.
First of all, living with families can help young adults to relieve some burdens. If a young adult lives alone, he should pay for all kinds of bills and buy all the daily necessities on his own. He will definitely feel stressed because he should also deal with his job. Families can not help him in some urgent situations. On the contrary, if he lives with families, he can face less pressure from daily life on the one hand and give some money to his family as accommodation and food fees every month on the other hand.
For families, especially parents, young adults can also help them a lot. Once a young adult leaves his families, he will have few opportunities to come back and get together with his families. In that case, parents will miss their children very much and don’t feel happy. Besides, young adults can also help their parents with something sophisticated. For example, I always help my father with computer staffs when I go back home from university.
What’s the most important is that, with young adults at home, family unity will be promoted. Families and young adults can not only support each other through difficult times but also learn better about each other. Distance may intensify misunderstanding between parents and young adults, while living together can bridge the generation gap because they have more chances to talk with each other.
In conclusion, if I can make the decision, I want to live with my families for a longer time. It will benefit both the families and the young adults, as well as the whole family.

Answer 1

我不擅长打分，但是可以给你改改~ 希望能帮到你！
Living independently is like a double edged sword. It can improve one's communication skills and it is also the best catalyst to make young adults grow up faster. However, without the care and monitoring from their parents, there is a high possibility that the young adults may go astray. In my opinion, I prefer to live with my families until I am mature enough.
(第一段就是所谓的introduction，要给出点实质性的东西）

One of the most important reasons is that, living with families can help young adults to relieve some burdens. If a young adult lives independently, he has to pay for all kinds of bills and buy all the daily necessities on his own. It is undeniable that a young adult is very stressful (或者is under a great pressure) while he has to deal with both his work and life all on himself at the same time. （这样会顺一点，在论述文中，尽量不要出现feel这种词汇）Furthermore, familiees can also help one in some urgent situations. (这里不能用on the contrary，它表示相反的一方面，与文中意思不符） In my opinion, a better way to show independence is to live with families and share the living expenses with the parents by submiting some accommodation fees monthly.

Also, considering the welfare of the parents, young adults should live with their parents for a longer period, even though they have the ability to live on their own. Once a young adult leaves his families, he may have very few opportunities to return and get together with his families. In onder to show filial piety, which is a traditional dignity of us Chinese, one should stay with their parents as long as they can to make them happy. Besides, young adults are more open to modern technology, so that they can always help their parents with computer staffs or other modern technology products.

In addition, young adults play an important role in building a strong family bond(这里用unity不好）. Parents and young adults can not only support each other in(这里不能用through）in difficult times, but also get to know each other better. Living apart (Distance) may intensify misunderstanding(这个短语有点。。。最好只用and后面那个） and enlarge the generation gap between parents and sons or daughters, as they may have less chance to communicate with each other.

In conclusion, living with families may help young adults relieve burdens, build strong family bond and display filial piety. Hence I prefer to live with my families for a longer time.
把上面的论点简单总结一下，然后重复全文论点，就完事了~

希望能帮到你！

追问

好牛掰啊啊啊 ，，，，那你试着给我打个分看看呗。。。。可不可以继续帮我改作文%>_<%

Answer 2

我来说说总体感受，第一，字数少了。ibt作文的潜规则就是字数越多，分数越高，高分作文的话字数应该在400左右，打字速度不快的话应该练；第二，理由略显单一，虽然你中间有3段，但读完无非就是家人帮young，young帮家人，然后在一起有家的感觉，说到底前面两个就是互相帮，其实是一个理由，应该归入一段里，而且题目意思是young是否应该和家人在一起，所以重点还是家人帮young，可以在段尾写一句also，young adult can help their families on the aspect of trivial housework such as bla bla bla 来表现和家人住在一起young也可以帮家人做些家务。你的第四段也就是第3个理由可以理解成是情感方面的帮助，亲情不能隔远了，那么你可以相应的加入一个经济上的帮助，因为young adult经济上还不独立，家人的financial aid就很重要，这两者选一个就可以，如果都写建议分开作为两条理由。其实3点理由上你还可以写成2-1，也就是两条赞成理由加一条反对理由，刚刚那些都是赞成理由，选两条展开即可。第三个理由（第4段）开头可以来个转折nevertheless，然后说一点不和家人住的好处，比如可以锻炼自己的独立能力，不要写多，50字以下即可。第三，一个小问题，其实也是大问题，你第4段用What’s the most important is that引出你的第3个理由逻辑上存在问题，因为老外的思维是最重要的总在最开始讲，所以你这个引出第一个理由是可以的，第3个理由绝对相对于第一个理由是次要的，所以就像我刚才说的，可以写一个反对的观点，但字数不要多，因为你的观点是赞成。这样5段下来，中间3段理由，2-1，还让人觉得很客观。下面改的那个不错，用了in addition，表示承接前面两条，不转折，那么全文就是3条支持理由，但切记第3条理由不要用the most important，逻辑错误是很大的错误。

分数嘛我觉得4分有点难，3分的水平是有的，主要是字数少，然后理由单一了一点，有逻辑错误。略有一些语法错误和口语化表达，其余的还行

追问

谢谢！所以最好要写到400字是嚒？？我打字挺快的，但是develop ideas很慢。。。口语也是，一下子想不到那么多理由><

追答

一般字数应在350以上，能400最好。虽然ets没有明文规定说字数越多分越高，但根据许多考友考完后的表现来看是字越多越好，当然，得建立在文章内容也还不错的情况下，一般独立写作拿4分，如果综合写作5分的话，写作就有28分。所以加油！如果你觉得没什么idea建议去看看老托的185题库，新题虽然与这些题目不太一样，但很多都是大同小异，而且看185还能练习口语的task 2

追问

太谢谢你拉！我第一次考，都没有经验><

Answer 3

....