雅思大作文求批改，求较细修改意见（思路上面也望指点），最好有大概分数预估。。
Title:Withtheincreasinguseofmobilephones,lesspeopletendtowriteletters.Somepeoplebelie...
Title:
With the increasing use of mobile phones, less people tend to write letters. Some people believe that writing letters will disappear completely. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
正文：
In the present age, mobile phones are playing significant role in our lives, which result in the decrease of writing letters. As a result, certain individuals hold a view that writing letters are fading away even disappearing thoroughly. Personally, I think their view is overly simplistic.
Actually, in my opinion, it is impossible that the thorough vanishment of writing letters will happen. To start with, not a few people still prefer writing letters. Take some entertaining magazines for example, there are a vast number of readers needing penfriends. Also, some persons just love writing, therefore letters will be a appropriate chance for them to write and share emotion with others. Moreover, letters can show some other function besides what phones have. Many people believe that it is better for some feelings conveyed by characters rather than oral way, such as love letters. In the meantime, letters could be reserved for a long time as mementos, which mobile phones cannot be.
Admittedly, mobile phones has transformed our lives, with great multiple functions, including facilitating the communication with others. Obviously, It seems that mobile phones can be more convenient and efficient than letters. Therefore, some claim letters will disappear thoroughly. However, what people of the day purse are not just convenience and efficiency. Besides that, even just feelings, such as a kind of hobby, can also keeping individuals writing letters without stop. Still many people insist writing letters with friends or family, which is not for efficiency. Lastly, even e-mails，a common way to communication, can also be regarded as letters with efficience.
In sum, maybe the number of people love writing letters are less than what it used to be, even so, one thing can be sure that writing letters will not vanish completely. 展开
With the increasing use of mobile phones, less people tend to write letters. Some people believe that writing letters will disappear completely. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
正文：
In the present age, mobile phones are playing significant role in our lives, which result in the decrease of writing letters. As a result, certain individuals hold a view that writing letters are fading away even disappearing thoroughly. Personally, I think their view is overly simplistic.
Actually, in my opinion, it is impossible that the thorough vanishment of writing letters will happen. To start with, not a few people still prefer writing letters. Take some entertaining magazines for example, there are a vast number of readers needing penfriends. Also, some persons just love writing, therefore letters will be a appropriate chance for them to write and share emotion with others. Moreover, letters can show some other function besides what phones have. Many people believe that it is better for some feelings conveyed by characters rather than oral way, such as love letters. In the meantime, letters could be reserved for a long time as mementos, which mobile phones cannot be.
Admittedly, mobile phones has transformed our lives, with great multiple functions, including facilitating the communication with others. Obviously, It seems that mobile phones can be more convenient and efficient than letters. Therefore, some claim letters will disappear thoroughly. However, what people of the day purse are not just convenience and efficiency. Besides that, even just feelings, such as a kind of hobby, can also keeping individuals writing letters without stop. Still many people insist writing letters with friends or family, which is not for efficiency. Lastly, even e-mails，a common way to communication, can also be regarded as letters with efficience.
In sum, maybe the number of people love writing letters are less than what it used to be, even so, one thing can be sure that writing letters will not vanish completely. 展开
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As a result, certain individuals hold a view that writing letters are fading away even disappearing thoroughly.
建议改词：hold a view- proclaim claim assert advocate
Personally, I think their view is overly simplistic.
雅思大作文还是写作规范点好，think要换掉，还要加that
第一段末尾说了自己的观点，和第二段开头有点罗嗦。
Also, some persons just love writing,
persons-people
Many people believe that it is better for some feelings conveyed by characters rather than oral way
way加s
some claim letters will disappear thoroughly.
加that, thoroughly 用得太多，可以换成drastically dramatically compeletly
Besides that, even just feelings, such as a kind of hobby, can also keeping individuals writing letters without stop
can also keep without stopping
even e-mails，a common way to communication,
a commom way(access methodology) to communicate
maybe the number of people love writing letters are less than what it used to be
the number of people loving或者people who
总的来说，词汇量还是不错的，但是句子上可以较大加强，定语从句使用较多，可以尝试平行结构，省略结构，插入语等，同时，句子缺少长句，长短句结合不是很好，通常雅思写作在提出自己一个观点之后，应当用1-2长短句进行扩展，而不是直接写下一个观点。
另外，如果对写作较为熟练，在时间 字数充足的时候， 开头请不要使用模版句式或类模版句式， 建议直接写At present, whether the auto-mobiles will dominate the leadership of the writing letters has became a controversial issue.
我也是雅思新手，不足之处请多指出~谢谢~
建议改词：hold a view- proclaim claim assert advocate
Personally, I think their view is overly simplistic.
雅思大作文还是写作规范点好，think要换掉，还要加that
第一段末尾说了自己的观点，和第二段开头有点罗嗦。
Also, some persons just love writing,
persons-people
Many people believe that it is better for some feelings conveyed by characters rather than oral way
way加s
some claim letters will disappear thoroughly.
加that, thoroughly 用得太多，可以换成drastically dramatically compeletly
Besides that, even just feelings, such as a kind of hobby, can also keeping individuals writing letters without stop
can also keep without stopping
even e-mails，a common way to communication,
a commom way(access methodology) to communicate
maybe the number of people love writing letters are less than what it used to be
the number of people loving或者people who
总的来说，词汇量还是不错的，但是句子上可以较大加强，定语从句使用较多，可以尝试平行结构，省略结构，插入语等，同时，句子缺少长句，长短句结合不是很好，通常雅思写作在提出自己一个观点之后，应当用1-2长短句进行扩展，而不是直接写下一个观点。
另外，如果对写作较为熟练，在时间 字数充足的时候， 开头请不要使用模版句式或类模版句式， 建议直接写At present, whether the auto-mobiles will dominate the leadership of the writing letters has became a controversial issue.
我也是雅思新手，不足之处请多指出~谢谢~
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多谢多谢~~启发很大~~
不过关于这个 “通常雅思写作在提出自己一个观点之后，应当用1-2长短句进行扩展，而不是直接写下一个观点”，想问一下应该怎么进行扩展呢。。。这个一向不是很擅长……
能不能麻烦你再举个例子给我呢。。~
求教啊啊啊
追答
第一种是重复法，即用不同的表达表述同一个意思，可以配合that is to say more exactly in other words使用，一般重复句是长句， 可以适当使用几个难词和语法结构
第二种是对比法，顾名思义， 可以配合compared with... by contrast使用
第三种是举例法，文中你已经使用，不过在使用for instance, such as时，不妨考虑放入句中作插入语，形成长短句结合
例如First of all, the examination plays a crucial role in the assessment of students' achievement.
在提出这样一个观点后。我们可以扩展写For instance, the exam results, to some extent, represent the accurate reflection of the capacity of the students, which makes enormous contribution to the design of the curriculum that is suitable for the students.
为了不影响你的思维，我没有用本文举例子，如果需要的话我再写给你
lz考过雅思吗？
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