Question

雅思作文求批改

Many parents think advertising only tells information about snacks and toys to children.but companies think advertising also tells usefull information.discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some parents assert that the information advertising brings is limited,only in terms of refreshments and toy industry,while companies argue that it is much more informative and instructive than these and I am personally in favor of the latter view.
Admittedly, it is actually a significant function that advertising can offer.advertisments contain loads of information on daily consumer products such as snacks and toys. when the latest products is introduced ,corporations tend to advertise on video or tv so that children can get the news immediately and choose what they like.
Howerver,except it,there are still a vast range of information the advertisement can offer .first,advertising is a channel to impart knowledge to chilren.take toothpaste for example,children learn a lot through the advertisement,from the most healthy way to brush their teeth to even the most important component the toothpaste should cantain. And it is beneficial for children to protect their tooth in lifelong time.secondly,it can expand our outlook .those which are charming and well-filmed,like stories and we can expericen a lot through watching it . .more inportantly,some advertisments convey a positive message toward chilren. For example.public service commercials.usually consisted of famous people who participate in without pay,are always trying to arouse public’s sense of social responsibility ,which I think,is useful to help people to build right concept of value and morality.
Overall,I tend to conlude that convying information about product itself is not the only useful thing ad can do for children and we should fully ues these functions to make our life better

Answer 1

1.弱智的语法错误。什么，Howerver,except it,there are…… 英文没这么讲的啦。however和except it留一个就好了。

2.过分追求长句，结果适得其反。最典型的是整个第一段就是一句话。
3.一些词句的用法比较chinenglish,不地道。什么contain loads of information....直接contain the information of commodities不行么。。。。。
4.第二段莫名其妙啊……不知道你到底想说啥，你是想说，广告确实会如家长所说那样提供给孩子食品和玩具的信息吧？从你的表述上完全看不出来。你可以说toys and snacks look gorgeous and attractive on TV, so that make children may want them impulsively.我英文也不好，仅供参考啊。
5.有的地方逻辑链太长了，典型是作文水平不好想拼命扩充字数、太想展现自己不多的句型的做法。rom the most healthy way to brush their teeth to even the most important component the toothpaste should cantain. And it is beneficial for children to protect their tooth in lifelong time。可以只保留the most healthy way to brush their teeth就好了。什么benefit for a lifelong time就快省省吧……

楼上那个说的也对，discuss two opinions类型的作文，应该两方在文中的比例相当才对吧……？

我是来搜这篇作文构思观点的，你的观点还挺新颖挺有建设性的，谢过

Answer 2

感觉模板的痕迹有点重。而且我觉得你的文章结构不太符合题目要求耶。题目要求
discuss both views and give your own opinion.但是你只侧重讲了一方面，另一方面相当于没讲，你自己的观点也只是一笔带过。

Answer 3

发到尚友求修改吧！问我之前就给发过，效果很不错，修改及时，还有意见反馈~