Question

求托福写作大神批改 请详细一些 可以追加奖励 万分感谢 题目是TPO1和TPO2的

In the wake of the reform in the education , scores of people are inclined to reckon the construction of the classes and libraries as the momentous factor in education , to sheer extend , which boosts educators to attain too much attention and fund to them. But then , there is a infinite discrepancy between me and those people for the classes and libraries. From my perspective, sports and social activities should be endowed with the same status as the classes and libraries to receive the financial support.
First and foremost, there is no gainsaying that the physical exercises can be tippled as the plausible and sensible way to strengthen our body ,and even prolong our life .In accordance with my individual experience, when I was roughly 12 yeas old ,I always got sick on account of weak body .Subsequently ,I was obsessed with the basketball, and make full use of my spare time to play in summer . Undoutedly ,the marvel occurred to me ,I got freedom from those sickness and rarely was worried about them later.
Secondly, grossly different from those opponents’ ideas that the social work is just to squander the time, I conceive of the fact that the social work can stimulate people to communicate with others frequently ,to overcome the obstructions appearing among the communicators ,and retain a consolidated and smooth relationship with others .Especially , in the contemporary society ,myriads of employee are prone to view the ability to communicate with clients as the cardinal standard to select the eligible employers.
Eventually, it is assumed without question that via the social work , the lifelong social wet is gradually shaped and exert a subtle impacts on your career. For instance , the current merchants exploit and count on the social relationship cumulated for many years to chase the benefits and avoid the barriers in trade, particularly , in the aspect of absorbing the policy from the government officials.
All in all, I hold a unshaken and firm conviction that in spite of the actual fact that parents put much attention to the classes and libraries , the merits of the social activities and sports outweigh the defects. Consequently , it is definitely a optimum option that we should add the contribution to the social activities and sports to get healthy , retain the social wet and exercise the ability to communicate with others

Answer 1

1.SCORE的用法要值得注意啊，score当复数是原意是20的Group，后来虽然有拓展出去表示很多的人，但是始终不太常用啊，sports之类的报导会很常见，其次你后面的名词是人，所以我也觉得不太好。建议用Cadre
2.你在表示你和人们有认知差异的时候所写的那句话实在不敢恭维，Max说你的句子太creepy，infinite这个词太大了，差异存在但是千万别过于纯粹和绝对（ETS或者说美国人都很不对眼那种绝对论）
3.gainsaying 这个句子就像There is no doubt一样用烂了，你看看NYT上面的文章，几乎是找不到一篇文章写了这种句子，要是你实在要写建议写THERE is no way around the fact .....或者 there is no getting around.....
4.in accrodance with换成accompying with会好一点，用词的时候可以把单词尽量用活。很简单的单词用活了会很强大的。
5.我写托福独立，我是不会123这样的写点的，虽然这样很清楚，但是我会换一种方式，比如：in the very first place,,,,,,,coupled with,,,,,,,,,,,,Admittedly+转折
6.多加上插入语。你的文章很少。
7.social web\net 吧。我建议你用social networking
8.optimum只能做名词。你的搭配有问题。
其次这个词在这个语境也不太靠谱。 the amount or degree of something that is most favorable to some end; especially : the most favorable condition for the growth and reproduction of an organism 不要忽视esp后面的内容。建议你查查Corp.就是美国语料库，你可以把单词输进去看看它的用法环境，它可以告诉你这个词在媒体发布、生活用法中的比列，和怎么用的比列。
personally，我觉得你似乎刻意有注意你的难词搭配。好像不是一次性写作。对托福，我觉得重点不是单词，是你句子的构造和文章的逻辑。其实你很多的单词的用法是不太对的，很多时候单词的搭配不是这么简单的。

Answer 2

作为非NN。果断有种在看甄嬛体的感觉。
不知道美国人看的什么感觉 反正我就想吐槽一句
说人话

追问

大神 表示不看古装电视剧 不知道你说的那个甄嬛体是什么 能具体指导小弟 一些细节吗 和改正方法吗 不胜感谢

Answer 3

万事都要自己来.....