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英文幽默笑话Misc Jokes
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine .
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
Oklahoma City:
Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there."
The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
Detroit:
R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Colorado Springs:
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
参考资料：http://www.webstory.cn
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
个中意味自己体会吧 :)
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine .
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
Oklahoma City:
Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there."
The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
Detroit:
R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Colorado Springs:
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
参考资料：http://www.webstory.cn
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
个中意味自己体会吧 :)
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
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"She wearing skates"
One day, God received the report just arrived in paradise of the three individuals, and in accordance with their wives in the world on the extent of loyalty, issued to them in heaven means of transport.
The first is a major carotenoid Mahogany, often out Xinhuawenliu, God sent him a pair of skates.
The second man, often go out pheasant, God issued him a bicycle.
Third person to his wife Congyierzhong God gave him a Rolls-Royce, and he, as an example paradise.
Interview finished, the third person drove his Rolls-Royce-color high in the back. First person and second person on a bicycle wearing skates were left crestfallen to go home. Third-road suddenly saw people standing on the vehicle crying aloud, the duo, "Hey! You of a gas car you crying?"
"No, I see my wife!" "See you crying wife?"
"She, she wearing a pair of skates."
She wearing skates
Published: ω Tiangadming listen? 2008-02-19
One day, God received the report just arrived in paradise of the three individuals, and in accordance with their wives in the world on the extent of loyalty, issued to them in heaven means of transport.
The first is a major carotenoid Mahogany, often out Xinhuawenliu, God sent him a pair of skates.
The second man, often go out pheasant, God issued him a bicycle.
Third person to his wife Congyierzhong God gave him a Rolls-Royce, and he, as an example paradise.
Interview finished, the third person drove his Rolls-Royce-color high in the back. First person and second person on a bicycle wearing skates were left crestfallen to go home. Third-road suddenly saw people standing on the vehicle crying aloud, the duo, "Hey! You of a gas car you crying?"
"No, I see my wife!" "See you crying wife?"
"She, she wearing a pair of skates."
"Annubar literacy"
In response to the call, comprehensively enhance the quality of village farmers organized evening, the peasant brothers literacy. Annubar couples are illiterate, and village chiefs designated Annubar couples to attend. Teachers to teach in accordance with the result of applying their knowledge of the principles, the our peasant brothers recognized some of the daily life of Chinese characters commonly used Xiyu related. day, teachers teaching students to accept "mud" and "mud", after repeated requests, Professor checks the next day. Annubar people benzene, also not remember how. The next day the teacher Annubar identification checks just to "dump", Annubar Zhuaernaosai, also could not recall how the study? Annubar wife in the side of urgency, and therefore reminded Annubar: "I benzene, playing every day to not know things." Annubar if so then by Jones, immediately answered: "Teacher! I know, the word Nian 'milk', playing every day do not know what to do. "immediately aroused laughter.
"7 yuan"
There is a specialized false notes, he would like to present the city were too smart counterfeiting can be easily seen through, he decided to go to the mountains inside to use counterfeit currency. He day in the mountains inside the store to buy a pack of cigarettes 3 yuan. He cited 10 yuan counterfeiting, shopkeepers find him a three yuan and a four yuan banknotes. He quickly with the counterfeiting Spent a few thousand dollars. Take the time to take home a bag full of money. Home after his wife opened a look at all three yuan and four yuan banknotes.
"Queuing"
A grandfather to see other young men waiting in a queue, he would like to see, he asked another man, "the young, you queue Why?" Young man said with a smile, "grandfather, we are leading passport!" Grandfather also like to receive, we face into the final turn him, others asked him: "Name", "Li expense of the" Age: "86" people do not feel like Duijin, looked up and saw an old man, said; "Abai, here is not you, please return!" grandfather said: "Why did you not receive passports?, you see a lot of my age, should also be some bodyguards to protect me!" After listening to the people Fan, past the spot I was going to faint.
"Zhenben"
In the tea session, a woman asked neighbors sit: "Who is the opposite that Choubaguai?" "My brother." Men answered.
Questioning the women was very minimise confusion, loss for words when. A little while later, stammer and said: "I Zhenben, your brothers长得很like, I did not see how out?"
"Also brought mutton string"
Huchou a boys born, but the conditions in each to leave many in the armpit perfume to cover the floor. One day he oversleep, woke up too late after clearing the perfume quickly went classrooms, slipped into the back door to would like to, the thought of being caught or a. Teachers very angry, serious and said: "Like you said many times not to late! This is affecting the normal teaching - the students more excessive, even if late, and also how the lamb with string?"
翻译：
《她穿着溜冰鞋》
一天，上帝接见了刚来天堂报到的三个人，并根据他们在人间对妻子的忠心程度，发给他们在天堂的交通工具。
第一个人是个花心大罗卜，经常出去寻花问柳，上帝发给了他一双溜冰鞋。
第二人时常出去打打野鸡，上帝发给他一辆自行车。
第三个人对妻子从一而终上帝给了他一辆劳斯莱斯，并以他作为天堂的榜样。
接见完了，第三个人开着他的劳斯莱斯兴高彩列的回去了。第一个人和第二个人穿着溜冰鞋骑着自行车垂头丧气的回家了。半路上突然看见第三个人站在车旁放声大哭，于是上前“喂！你发了一辆气车你还哭什么？”
“不是，我看见我妻子了！”“看见妻子你哭什么？”
“她，她穿着一双溜冰鞋。”
她穿着溜冰鞋
一天，上帝接见了刚来天堂报到的三个人，并根据他们在人间对妻子的忠心程度，发给他们在天堂的交通工具。
第一个人是个花心大罗卜，经常出去寻花问柳，上帝发给了他一双溜冰鞋。
第二人时常出去打打野鸡，上帝发给他一辆自行车。
第三个人对妻子从一而终上帝给了他一辆劳斯莱斯，并以他作为天堂的榜样。
接见完了，第三个人开着他的劳斯莱斯兴高彩列的回去了。第一个人和第二个人穿着溜冰鞋骑着自行车垂头丧气的回家了。半路上突然看见第三个人站在车旁放声大哭，于是上前“喂！你发了一辆气车你还哭什么？”
“不是，我看见我妻子了！”“看见妻子你哭什么？”
“她，她穿着一双溜冰鞋。”
《阿牛识字》
为响应政府号召,全面提高国民素质,村里举办农民夜校,教农民兄弟识字.阿牛夫妇都是文盲,村长指定要阿牛夫妇参加.老师按照因才施教、学以致用的原则,教农民兄弟认一些与日常生活夕夕相关的常用汉字.一天,老师教授学员们认“泥巴”的“泥”字，反复教授后要求第二天抽查。阿牛人苯，怎么也记不住。第二天老师偏偏要抽查阿牛认“泥”字，阿牛抓耳挠腮，怎么也想不起该念什么？阿牛的老婆在一旁急了，于是提醒阿牛：“真苯，天天耍到的东西都不知道。”这时阿牛若有所悟，立即答到：“老师！我知道了，这个字念‘奶’，天天耍到的哪还不知道呢。”顿时引起哄堂大笑。
《7元钱》
有个专门做假钞票的人，他想现在城市的人太精明假钞很容易被人识破，他决定到大山里面去使用这些假钞。一天他在大山里面的小店买了一包3元的烟。他拿出10元假钞，店主找给他一张3元和一张4元的钞票。很快他带的几千元假钞用完了。走的时候带回去满满一袋子的钞票。回家之后他老婆打开一看全是3元和4元的钞票。
《排队》
一位老爷爷看别的年轻男子在排队，他想看看，他问别的男子；“小伙子，你们干吗排队？”年轻男子微笑着说；“老爷爷，我们是在领护照！”老爷爷也想领，便排到最后面，轮到他时，别人问他：“姓名”“李慷海”年龄：“86”人家觉得好像不太对劲，抬起头来，看到一个老头子，说；“大爷，这里没你事，请回吧！”老爷爷说；“为什么，你们不是在领护照吗，你看我这一大把年纪，也应该有些保镖来保护我呀！”人家听了这番话，当场昏了过去。
《真笨》
在茶会上，一位妇女问邻坐的人：”对面那个丑八怪是谁？””是我哥哥．”男人回答．
问话的妇女显得十分狼狈，张口结舌．过了一会儿，又结结巴巴地说：”我真笨，你们兄弟长得很像，我怎么没看出来呢？”
《还带了羊肉串》
某男生天生狐臭，自卑不已，每次出门都要在腋下抹好多香水遮盖。一天他睡过头，惊醒后来不及抹香水急忙跑去教室，本想从后门溜进去，没想还是被逮了个正着。老师很生气，严肃地说：“跟你们说多少次了不要迟到！这样非常影响正常教学——这位同学更过分，迟到就算了，怎么还带了羊肉串？”
One day, God received the report just arrived in paradise of the three individuals, and in accordance with their wives in the world on the extent of loyalty, issued to them in heaven means of transport.
The first is a major carotenoid Mahogany, often out Xinhuawenliu, God sent him a pair of skates.
The second man, often go out pheasant, God issued him a bicycle.
Third person to his wife Congyierzhong God gave him a Rolls-Royce, and he, as an example paradise.
Interview finished, the third person drove his Rolls-Royce-color high in the back. First person and second person on a bicycle wearing skates were left crestfallen to go home. Third-road suddenly saw people standing on the vehicle crying aloud, the duo, "Hey! You of a gas car you crying?"
"No, I see my wife!" "See you crying wife?"
"She, she wearing a pair of skates."
She wearing skates
Published: ω Tiangadming listen? 2008-02-19
One day, God received the report just arrived in paradise of the three individuals, and in accordance with their wives in the world on the extent of loyalty, issued to them in heaven means of transport.
The first is a major carotenoid Mahogany, often out Xinhuawenliu, God sent him a pair of skates.
The second man, often go out pheasant, God issued him a bicycle.
Third person to his wife Congyierzhong God gave him a Rolls-Royce, and he, as an example paradise.
Interview finished, the third person drove his Rolls-Royce-color high in the back. First person and second person on a bicycle wearing skates were left crestfallen to go home. Third-road suddenly saw people standing on the vehicle crying aloud, the duo, "Hey! You of a gas car you crying?"
"No, I see my wife!" "See you crying wife?"
"She, she wearing a pair of skates."
"Annubar literacy"
In response to the call, comprehensively enhance the quality of village farmers organized evening, the peasant brothers literacy. Annubar couples are illiterate, and village chiefs designated Annubar couples to attend. Teachers to teach in accordance with the result of applying their knowledge of the principles, the our peasant brothers recognized some of the daily life of Chinese characters commonly used Xiyu related. day, teachers teaching students to accept "mud" and "mud", after repeated requests, Professor checks the next day. Annubar people benzene, also not remember how. The next day the teacher Annubar identification checks just to "dump", Annubar Zhuaernaosai, also could not recall how the study? Annubar wife in the side of urgency, and therefore reminded Annubar: "I benzene, playing every day to not know things." Annubar if so then by Jones, immediately answered: "Teacher! I know, the word Nian 'milk', playing every day do not know what to do. "immediately aroused laughter.
"7 yuan"
There is a specialized false notes, he would like to present the city were too smart counterfeiting can be easily seen through, he decided to go to the mountains inside to use counterfeit currency. He day in the mountains inside the store to buy a pack of cigarettes 3 yuan. He cited 10 yuan counterfeiting, shopkeepers find him a three yuan and a four yuan banknotes. He quickly with the counterfeiting Spent a few thousand dollars. Take the time to take home a bag full of money. Home after his wife opened a look at all three yuan and four yuan banknotes.
"Queuing"
A grandfather to see other young men waiting in a queue, he would like to see, he asked another man, "the young, you queue Why?" Young man said with a smile, "grandfather, we are leading passport!" Grandfather also like to receive, we face into the final turn him, others asked him: "Name", "Li expense of the" Age: "86" people do not feel like Duijin, looked up and saw an old man, said; "Abai, here is not you, please return!" grandfather said: "Why did you not receive passports?, you see a lot of my age, should also be some bodyguards to protect me!" After listening to the people Fan, past the spot I was going to faint.
"Zhenben"
In the tea session, a woman asked neighbors sit: "Who is the opposite that Choubaguai?" "My brother." Men answered.
Questioning the women was very minimise confusion, loss for words when. A little while later, stammer and said: "I Zhenben, your brothers长得很like, I did not see how out?"
"Also brought mutton string"
Huchou a boys born, but the conditions in each to leave many in the armpit perfume to cover the floor. One day he oversleep, woke up too late after clearing the perfume quickly went classrooms, slipped into the back door to would like to, the thought of being caught or a. Teachers very angry, serious and said: "Like you said many times not to late! This is affecting the normal teaching - the students more excessive, even if late, and also how the lamb with string?"
翻译：
《她穿着溜冰鞋》
一天，上帝接见了刚来天堂报到的三个人，并根据他们在人间对妻子的忠心程度，发给他们在天堂的交通工具。
第一个人是个花心大罗卜，经常出去寻花问柳，上帝发给了他一双溜冰鞋。
第二人时常出去打打野鸡，上帝发给他一辆自行车。
第三个人对妻子从一而终上帝给了他一辆劳斯莱斯，并以他作为天堂的榜样。
接见完了，第三个人开着他的劳斯莱斯兴高彩列的回去了。第一个人和第二个人穿着溜冰鞋骑着自行车垂头丧气的回家了。半路上突然看见第三个人站在车旁放声大哭，于是上前“喂！你发了一辆气车你还哭什么？”
“不是，我看见我妻子了！”“看见妻子你哭什么？”
“她，她穿着一双溜冰鞋。”
她穿着溜冰鞋
一天，上帝接见了刚来天堂报到的三个人，并根据他们在人间对妻子的忠心程度，发给他们在天堂的交通工具。
第一个人是个花心大罗卜，经常出去寻花问柳，上帝发给了他一双溜冰鞋。
第二人时常出去打打野鸡，上帝发给他一辆自行车。
第三个人对妻子从一而终上帝给了他一辆劳斯莱斯，并以他作为天堂的榜样。
接见完了，第三个人开着他的劳斯莱斯兴高彩列的回去了。第一个人和第二个人穿着溜冰鞋骑着自行车垂头丧气的回家了。半路上突然看见第三个人站在车旁放声大哭，于是上前“喂！你发了一辆气车你还哭什么？”
“不是，我看见我妻子了！”“看见妻子你哭什么？”
“她，她穿着一双溜冰鞋。”
《阿牛识字》
为响应政府号召,全面提高国民素质,村里举办农民夜校,教农民兄弟识字.阿牛夫妇都是文盲,村长指定要阿牛夫妇参加.老师按照因才施教、学以致用的原则,教农民兄弟认一些与日常生活夕夕相关的常用汉字.一天,老师教授学员们认“泥巴”的“泥”字，反复教授后要求第二天抽查。阿牛人苯，怎么也记不住。第二天老师偏偏要抽查阿牛认“泥”字，阿牛抓耳挠腮，怎么也想不起该念什么？阿牛的老婆在一旁急了，于是提醒阿牛：“真苯，天天耍到的东西都不知道。”这时阿牛若有所悟，立即答到：“老师！我知道了，这个字念‘奶’，天天耍到的哪还不知道呢。”顿时引起哄堂大笑。
《7元钱》
有个专门做假钞票的人，他想现在城市的人太精明假钞很容易被人识破，他决定到大山里面去使用这些假钞。一天他在大山里面的小店买了一包3元的烟。他拿出10元假钞，店主找给他一张3元和一张4元的钞票。很快他带的几千元假钞用完了。走的时候带回去满满一袋子的钞票。回家之后他老婆打开一看全是3元和4元的钞票。
《排队》
一位老爷爷看别的年轻男子在排队，他想看看，他问别的男子；“小伙子，你们干吗排队？”年轻男子微笑着说；“老爷爷，我们是在领护照！”老爷爷也想领，便排到最后面，轮到他时，别人问他：“姓名”“李慷海”年龄：“86”人家觉得好像不太对劲，抬起头来，看到一个老头子，说；“大爷，这里没你事，请回吧！”老爷爷说；“为什么，你们不是在领护照吗，你看我这一大把年纪，也应该有些保镖来保护我呀！”人家听了这番话，当场昏了过去。
《真笨》
在茶会上，一位妇女问邻坐的人：”对面那个丑八怪是谁？””是我哥哥．”男人回答．
问话的妇女显得十分狼狈，张口结舌．过了一会儿，又结结巴巴地说：”我真笨，你们兄弟长得很像，我怎么没看出来呢？”
《还带了羊肉串》
某男生天生狐臭，自卑不已，每次出门都要在腋下抹好多香水遮盖。一天他睡过头，惊醒后来不及抹香水急忙跑去教室，本想从后门溜进去，没想还是被逮了个正着。老师很生气，严肃地说：“跟你们说多少次了不要迟到！这样非常影响正常教学——这位同学更过分，迟到就算了，怎么还带了羊肉串？”
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英文幽默笑话Misc Jokes
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine .
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
Oklahoma City:
Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there."
The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
Detroit:
R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Colorado Springs:
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
参考资料：http://www.webstory.cn
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
个中意味自己体会吧 :)
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine .
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
Oklahoma City:
Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there."
The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
Detroit:
R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Colorado Springs:
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
参考资料：http://www.webstory.cn
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
个中意味自己体会吧 :)
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
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One day, an English learner met a foreigner. The english learner walked in a careless way so that he hit the foreigner.
The English learner: "I'm sorry."
The foreigner: "I'm sorry,too."
The English learner: "I'm sorry three.
The foreigner: "What are you sorry for?"
The English learner: "I'm sorry five."
一天 一个英语学习者碰见一个老外 他不小心撞到了老外
他（英语学习者） 对不起
老外 我也对不起（这里的也“TOO” 和英文的“TWO”同音 “
TWO”是数字二的意思）
他 我对不起三
老外 你对不起什么？
他 我对不起五。。。
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
这些适合中学生：
1.How Old Is She?
A woman was having some trouble with her heart, so she went to see the doctor.He was a new doctor, and did not know her. so he first asked some questions, and one of them was , "How old are you?"
"Well," she answered, "I don't remember. doctor, but I will try to think." She thought for a minute and then said, "Yes. I remember now, doctor! When I married, I was eighteen years old, and my husband was thirty. Now my husband is sixty, I know. And that is twice thirty. So I am twice eighteen. That is thirty-six, isn't it?"
2.How Did You lose Your Way?
Mrs Brown's old grandfather lived with her and her husband. Every morning he went for a walk in the park and came home at half past twelve for his lunch.
But one morning a police car stopped outside Mrs Brown's house at twelve o'clock, and two policemen helped Mr Brown to get out. One of them said to Mrs Brown, "The poor old gentleman lost his way in the park and telephoned to us for help, so we sent a car to bring him home. " Mrs Brown was very surprised, but she thanked the policemen and they left.
"But, Grandfather, " she then said , "you have been to that
park nearly every day for twenty years. How did you lose your way there?"
The old man smiled ,closed one eye and said, "I didn't
quite lose my way. I just got tired and I didn't want to walk home ! "
3.Small frying-pan
One morning a man was crossing a narrow bridge when he saw a fisherman on the shady bank of the deep, smooth river under him,so he stopped to watch him quietly.
After a few minutes, the fisherman pulled his line in. There was a big, fat fish at the end of it.
The fisherman took it off the hook and threw it back into the water. Then he put his hook and line in again. After a few more minutes he caught another big fisb. Again he threw it back into the river. Then, the third time, he caught a small fish. He put it into his basket and started to get ready to go. The man on the bridge was very surprised, so he spoke to the fisherman. He said, "Why did you throw those beautiful, big fish back into the water and keep only that small one?"
The fisherman looked up and answered, "Small frying-pan. "
The English learner: "I'm sorry."
The foreigner: "I'm sorry,too."
The English learner: "I'm sorry three.
The foreigner: "What are you sorry for?"
The English learner: "I'm sorry five."
一天 一个英语学习者碰见一个老外 他不小心撞到了老外
他（英语学习者） 对不起
老外 我也对不起（这里的也“TOO” 和英文的“TWO”同音 “
TWO”是数字二的意思）
他 我对不起三
老外 你对不起什么？
他 我对不起五。。。
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
这些适合中学生：
1.How Old Is She?
A woman was having some trouble with her heart, so she went to see the doctor.He was a new doctor, and did not know her. so he first asked some questions, and one of them was , "How old are you?"
"Well," she answered, "I don't remember. doctor, but I will try to think." She thought for a minute and then said, "Yes. I remember now, doctor! When I married, I was eighteen years old, and my husband was thirty. Now my husband is sixty, I know. And that is twice thirty. So I am twice eighteen. That is thirty-six, isn't it?"
2.How Did You lose Your Way?
Mrs Brown's old grandfather lived with her and her husband. Every morning he went for a walk in the park and came home at half past twelve for his lunch.
But one morning a police car stopped outside Mrs Brown's house at twelve o'clock, and two policemen helped Mr Brown to get out. One of them said to Mrs Brown, "The poor old gentleman lost his way in the park and telephoned to us for help, so we sent a car to bring him home. " Mrs Brown was very surprised, but she thanked the policemen and they left.
"But, Grandfather, " she then said , "you have been to that
park nearly every day for twenty years. How did you lose your way there?"
The old man smiled ,closed one eye and said, "I didn't
quite lose my way. I just got tired and I didn't want to walk home ! "
3.Small frying-pan
One morning a man was crossing a narrow bridge when he saw a fisherman on the shady bank of the deep, smooth river under him,so he stopped to watch him quietly.
After a few minutes, the fisherman pulled his line in. There was a big, fat fish at the end of it.
The fisherman took it off the hook and threw it back into the water. Then he put his hook and line in again. After a few more minutes he caught another big fisb. Again he threw it back into the river. Then, the third time, he caught a small fish. He put it into his basket and started to get ready to go. The man on the bridge was very surprised, so he spoke to the fisherman. He said, "Why did you throw those beautiful, big fish back into the water and keep only that small one?"
The fisherman looked up and answered, "Small frying-pan. "
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I'M NOT HAVING IT ALL CUT OFF
Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.
"Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."
"Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time."
"Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time."
"Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off."
没把头发全剪掉啊！
麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。
"你好，麦尔斯，"经理说。"我看到你在上班时间理发了。"
"是的，先生。正是这样。"麦尔斯平静地承认了。"可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。"
"不全都是吧，"经理立刻说，"有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。"
"对呀，先生，你说得很对。"麦尔斯礼貌地回答说，"但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。"
Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.
"Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."
"Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time."
"Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time."
"Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off."
没把头发全剪掉啊！
麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。
"你好，麦尔斯，"经理说。"我看到你在上班时间理发了。"
"是的，先生。正是这样。"麦尔斯平静地承认了。"可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。"
"不全都是吧，"经理立刻说，"有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。"
"对呀，先生，你说得很对。"麦尔斯礼貌地回答说，"但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。"
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