Question

求高手帮助批改雅思作文~~~

Topic:
Some people think it is more important for
government to spend public money on promoting healthy lifestyle in order to pervert
illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To
what extent do you agree or disagree?

Along with the rapid advance of society and
economic, an increasing number of people are attaching much importance to
health issue. Some people hold a view that taking precautions is more important
than treatment, so government should spend public money more on encouraging
healthy lifestyle to prevent illness. But in my personal ideas, I do not
totally agree with it.
Most important of all, the people who live
a healthy life may even fall ill in some way, and need the treatment. No one
can promise that they will never get ill since they live healthy, that means
everyone will need some kinds of treatment during their life. So, certainly,
precaution is important, but treatment is indispensable. If government have not
spent a lot on Aids, SARS, H1N1 and many other infections which could
not overcome by healthy lifestyle, there will be more people suffer it or even
die.
Furthermore, people may live a healthy life by
taking benefits from their own knowledge or exchanging their ideas with others,
but they hardly can take a treatment by themselves, especially for serious ill.
Compared with curing, leading a healthy life may much simple for individuals. In
addition, especially for the patients who can’t afford expensive treatment
costs or the people who are unable to afford the higher expense of healthy
lifestyle, public money used by government and spending on treatment can be so
significant that to be their only hope.
Admittedly, living a healthy life is a really
effective way to prevent illness, but treatment is also the basic of a person’s
life and the social system. A sensible government has to make a well balance
between these two means of keeping healthy.

欢迎大家多多提出宝贵意见~先在此谢过各位了~

Answer 1

我来吧，哥就教这个。
词句：
1.Economic改成economy

2. No one can promise that they will never get ill since they live healthy
since改成as long as
3.many other infections which could not overcome by healthy lifestyle
could not be overcome by..
4. there will be more people suffer it or even die.
中国考生典型的错误。
there be do 这个是大忌
suffer改成suffering
5. by taking benefits from their own knowledge
这个不通
6. take a treatment by themselves, especially for serious ill
这句话也不通
文章整体还行，观点很明确，在第一段提出，中间两段进一步解释。
考官不会看的这么细的，像模像样就会给你个7分。
你的重点也很突出就是政府光把钱投在促进健康的生活方式上是远远不够的，在治疗病人方面也的花钱，这是你论点的倾向性，你也花了很多笔墨。这个是绝对有必要的。
感觉你像上过培训课的。
考试的时候就这么写是可以了，注意一些低级的语法错误，可以拿到更高的分数。