Question

求批改托福作文，一战21分，这次改进写作方式，求大神给个分数，和评价！

Independent Writing: Do you agree with the viewpoint that people are now easier to become educated than in the past?
In modern society, education, as a basic and a crucial mean to improve oneself, has become one essential part of people's life. Its significance is widely accepted by the public, a growing ratio of literate citizens indicates that to become a well educated person is not a dream for ordinary people anymore. Therefore, in my opinion, I definitely agree with the view that it is easier for people to become educated than in the past.
Admittedly, the standard of literate people in the ancient time is much lower than it is today. Taking ancient China for example, people who can recognize and write Chinese characters is thought to be an educated person. However, nowadays even if a person has ability to write wonderful articles and recognize enough Chinese characters, he may not be viewed as a well educated man, since the Information Age requires that human being should not only be master of language skills, but also be well in new technologies, especially for computer science. In this case, it is therefore unfair to conclude that modern people own dominant advantages to become educated than ancient people have.
However, education is only a privilege for the upper class in the ancient time, anyhow. On the contrast, people nowadays are with much more access of acquiring education. One important reason for this change is that emerging of internet; because it provides people an opportunity of getting well-educated in a shorter time and it is with fewer limitations. For instance, people in the past had to spend days in libraries when they were trying to search for some relative information about certain subject and valuable resources are even not open to the public. However, as a almost every family own a computer now, people could save much time on searching information with the help of information on the internet.
Furthermore, considering that people nowadays are under overwhelming pressure from increasing number of competitors resulting from the world population crisis, they will be more motivated in the process of knowledge. Using my brother's experience to demonstrate this view, my brother is a high school student who has a big college entrance examination waiting for him. In order to excel in the exam, he has been working hard for more than two years. In fact, ever since he entered high school, he has never taken part in any form of entertainment to ensure his study time. As a result, my brother was forced to absorb knowledge in many fields, which is impossible for ancient people.
In summary, I definitely to be in favor of the statement that people living in the modern society exceed in the ways they would gains knowledge. This improvement is attributed to stronger motivation of gaining knowledge and the easier access of acquiring knowledge through internet, thus, the Information Age makes education different.

Answer 1

我就不要脸的说说我的看法吼~
1. 语言挺丰富塌拦颤的，语句也得也挺好的，有个小问题，第三段However however的用了两次，我一下就读出来了，可以换个词的说...
2. 思路的问题：不是说绝对表态是错的，但是好像这种方法写的话，拿高分可能性会小一些，因为我的老师是让我最好能分析利弊的，所以我也一直觉得这样比较妥当，正反面写的话，你可说的观点就很多，文章内容也会更丰富一些；你第三个观点，说competiton，我觉得就不大得当了，一是题目是问是否easier，说竞争的话，就是迫于这样的环境去学习，而不是从渠道上来说了，二是，第三段不像是说优点，不是motivated,而是forced；你通篇都在提internet带来的便利，就连总结都是把easier归结于internet，觉得有些单薄，也可以说教师资源丰富，仪器设备先进，等等。
3.总结段要升华一下的，当然这团败是基于正反描写的基础之上，我们要扬长避短才能更好地利用现在的资源，更便利的学习衡培，国家更好的发展，神马的...

嗯，大致就是这样，希望对你有用~

Answer 2

1.建议你一段一个中心句，中心句放在段首，这样比较明了简洁易懂。拆局
2.你最好还是三个论点都从正面的角度讲，你的第一个admittedly那一段真的可以去掉，改成另外一个正面的讨论段落。
3.最后一段这句In fact, ever since he entered high school, he has never taken part in any form of entertainment to ensure his study time. As a result, my brother was forced to absorb knowledge in many fields, which is impossible for ancient people.
这句话逻辑有点问题，他有没有参加娱乐活动其实和他能不能获取很多知识没有必册御顷然联系。有很多牛叉的人是自己又有知识，又有entertainment的。反之，有些屌丝木有州陆entertainment也啥都不会。

个人觉得25左右吧。。。还是多写写吧，有空没空找点topic，分析几个围绕着topic的论点。
and good luck