Question

麻烦帮我改改这篇托福作文，求高手指点！

the people who cannot accept the criticism will not be successful at working in a group.
It is believed by many that a good performance in job position will definitely help the employee get promoted. Nowadays, heated debate has been going on about whether the people who cannot accept the criticism will not be successful at a group of company. Some assert that individuals should be decisive that can not obey to others, while others consider it is wrong of doing so. In my opinion, I am strongly in favor of the latter one, especially when growing opportunities and higher quality of education are taken into consideration.
Firstly, I hold that accepting the criticism can help the individuals avoid the horrible circumstances they may encounter so that improving the efficiency of the term. It seems that term work plays a pivotal role in advancing the company’s benefits. In other words, the term numbers are supposed to work in accordance with others. Only when giving the specific suggestion to others, can team improve the efficiency of the company. By the contrast, if we do without following experienced people’ recommendation, it will impair cohesive force of the company.
Secondly, accepting the criticism could make the people the better men. Obviously, no one is good at everything, and we more or less have some biased and personal opinion. Due to those demerits we have, we are supposed to make a change about ourselves and to be better men. As my teacher Jimmy once told us,‘only to rely on your own experience to judge things is not enough and may lead to extreme, while by accepting others’ suggestion with your discretion, one can make a short cut towards success.
Admittedly, sometimes, complying with others too much will lead you lose your characteristics. Apparently, you are not so confident with yourself tackling with difficulties in terms of facing challenges that you have no choices but to tend to others. Even so, I am fully convinced that benefits of accepting proper criticism far outweigh that of doing alone by oneself, for you can be increasingly and academically accomplished.
To sum up. I would concede that it has some demerits to completely follow others. Despite of that, I am sure of accepting criticism of being incredibly significant, as a whole.

Answer 1

1、开头段落can not 太多了，有些其实是表达不愿意，有些是表示不应该。应尝试用更精确的表达区分不同的语义。
2、定冠词用多了，很多地方可以省略或应该去掉，有些应变成a。
3、“especially when growing opportunities and higher quality of education are taken into consideration：等处，句意不清楚。
4、有些term是否应为team
5、firstly。。。这样的首句是最重要的，一是需要全篇首句连起来读，可以支撑主论点，二是需要首句清晰明了，没有歧义，三是全段应该围绕首句展开。这些老师应该都教过。firstly和secondly两个首句都有些问题，没有清晰的表达一个鲜明的观点，比如，到底是避免招致不好的境地，还是降低团队效率，最好直接集中到团队效率，免生歧义，再比如，什么叫a better man，涵义过于广泛，首句应直接表达清楚，是更客观，还是更有判断力，要精确表达，这是中国学生常犯的错误，话说大了。
5、结尾句重点没落准，用although句式会更好。不然会颠倒主次观点。全文更多的倾向实际上是要听批评，不是坚持己见。

总体来说，一，本文词汇量应用较丰富，但较生涩。建议多用有把握的词，没把握的宁可不用。二，应多读原文，体会语感，多用地道表达；三，更重视段落首句，全篇结论等处，该句不适合长句子，要清晰，无歧义。四，严格回避较空泛和指向不明确的表达，尝试挖掘你真正想表达的精确句意。

不一定正确，共勉。