Question

我写的英语作文，求指导

Passage 4 假如你是李华，从小就喜爱大熊猫，一直通过有关网站关注三年前在美国圣迭哥动物园出生的大熊猫“苏琳“和她母亲“白云，现在苏琳即将三岁。请根据以下要点给工作人员写一封信：1。自我介绍2。祝贺苏琳生日3。感谢工作人员4。索取苏琳三岁生日照。
Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Li Hua ,who is a panda lover.
I have paid close attenion to about website three years,and I known the just born parda Sulin and her mother White Cloud.
First of all,happy brith to Sulin.Then,thank of about worker look after them.Finally,I wanted Sulin three years old brithday photos.
I do hope them happy life.
Li Hua
我用的是过去式，麻烦老师们指导下，那些高频的单词，短语该换。

Answer 1

LZ，您好！
经过我们年级组的商量，给出的建议是：
行文稍显不流畅，应增加文中衔接词的使用；多多加强从句和复杂句的使用；文章词汇表达多样性要提高，单词拼写方面还要继续努力；请提高文章内敛性，段落和句子要围绕主题展开。
接下来点评文章：
Dear Sir or Madam, My name is Li Hua , who is a panda lover.
[标点错误] 标点与其前面的单词之间 不应该有空格，请检查
I have paid close attenion
to about website three years, and I known the just born parda Sulin and her
mother White Cloud.
[句子错误] 本句语法不规范，请检查！
[词语错误] 词性错误，I known不规范，建议修改。
[拼写错误] attenion
拼写错误，可替换选项为：attention, attuning, attaining
[拼写错误] parda 拼写错误，可替换选项为：pad, payday,
purdah
[低频提示] her mother white cloud
无此用法，疑似中式英语
First of all, happy brith to Sulin.
[拼写错误] brith 拼写错误，可替换选项为：broth, birth, breath
Then, thank of about worker look after them.
[低频提示] about worker look
无此用法，疑似中式英语
[低频提示] about worker look after them
无此用法，疑似中式英语
Finally, I wanted Sulin three years old brithday photos.
[拼写错误] brithday 拼写错误，可替换选项为：birthday, Brita, Britta
I do hope them happy life.
[句子错误] 本句语法不规范，请检查！
[名词错误] happy life 前面冠词缺失
[词语错误]
用词不当，建议将hope改为wish。 wish可以加双宾语，hope不可以加双宾语。 [低频提示] i do hope them 无此用法，疑似中式英语
Li Hua
[句子错误] 句子不完整
本回答均为原创，未经允许，禁止转载！

Answer 2

你好！开头第一句最好改为
Dear gentleman and lady，
剩下的还可以。

Answer 3

my name is li hua. i am twelve years old. i like panda.