Question

帮忙翻译一篇英语新闻，非常急要

Monday, October 22, 2012

​A man was arrested a few days ago for having impure thoughts about a woman at a bus stop. "So that's illegal now?" I asked a Hong Kong woman named Wincey, who gave me the information.
While having coffee with a small group of Chinese feminists, Wincey handed me a report from Bulowaya24, a news website in Africa.
It said those waiting at a bus station in Zimbabwe noticed that Clifford Mavete, 27, was "sweating and exhibiting an expression synonymous with that of a person engaging in sex while his eyes were glued at the woman who was standing in front of him." In other words, his face was remotely committing assault.
The "victim," a middle-aged woman, then "told the people who had gathered that she was having some unusual funny feelings in her private parts." (I am not making this up.)
The tense scene involving two people not actually doing anything to each other escalated dramatically when the woman announced that her undergarments had magically vanished.
The crowd took Mavete to the police station where officers found the allegations eminently believable and charged the man with mind crimes. Lucky for them, this has been made a recognized crime: mubobobo, which means magical remote sexual assault.
I made an obvious point: "If mind crimes are now illegal, you might as well lock up every man on the planet." The women replied: "Good idea."
This whole mind-reading thing is seriously worrying. The US Army last week announced they had invented mind-reading binoculars to be used with weapons. When you clamp them onto your face, they start monitoring your brain activity and learning what your mind thinks of as enemies. This could be bad and plenty of bosses could die. And mothers-in-law, too.
The following day, Toyota of Japan informed me about their "mind-reading car" called the Insect. It spots the owner approaching, unlocks itself, and then guesses where you want to go. "Good morning, Mr Vittachi, we're off to the Toyota showroom again, because your subconscious told me that's where you'd like to spend your day."
For a bit of sanity, I turned to the the Times of India. Not a good idea. Sex crimes are caused by chow mein, a politician in India warned last week. Chemicals in Chinese fried noodles make men unable to control their urges, it reported. "Chow mein leads to hormonal imbalance evoking an urge to indulge in such acts," said Jitender Chhatar of Chandigarh.
I love chow mein. And I occasionally appreciate the beauty of women at bus stops. Save time, just execute me now.

Answer 1

几日前一名男子因在公交车站对一名女子有不轨思想而被捕。“这也犯法吗？”我向提供给我信息的那位名叫Wincey的香港妇女询问道。当与一群中国女权主义者一同喝咖啡的时候，她给我看了一则从非洲新闻网站Bulowaya24上摘下来的报道。
据报道，在津巴布韦公共汽车站，一名27岁的男子Clifford Mavete紧紧盯着站在他面前的女性，并表现出渴望与之发生性关系的欲望。换句话说，他的脸就出卖了他强奸的意图。
那名“受害者”，一名中年女子，事后告诉周围的人说，她当时觉得有一些不太对劲，但双方的紧张感并未促成进一步实质性行动直到这名女子声称自己的内衣莫名其妙不见了，众人将该名男子送至警局，在那里警官认为这些指控都很可信，于是判定该名男子的心理犯罪。幸运的是，对公众而言，mubobobo意味着明显的强奸意图，这已成为公认的罪行。
我得出一个显而易见的结论：“如果心理犯罪是非法的话，那么地球上的每一个人都应该被关起来。”Wincey回答：“好主意。”
这个“读心术事件”倒是真心令人堪忧。美国军方上周宣称他们已经发明出读心术望远镜作为武器使用。当你将这种望远镜固定在脸上，它们就会监视你的大脑活动并区分出那些你曾有过的犯罪想法。这样做会取得很糟糕的效果，可能会让大量老板一命呜呼，甚至连那些身为岳母或婆婆的老人们也不能幸免。
第二天，我得知日本丰田汽车打算以“昆虫”来命名他们新研发的读心术汽车。当主人靠近时，这种车会自动解锁并猜测主人的目的地。
“早上好,Vittachi先生,我们去丰田陈列室,因为你的潜意识再次告诉我,你想在那儿度过你的一天。”
为了获得一些理智的观点，我看了《印度时报》，可这并不是个好主意。上周印度一名政治家警告说，性犯罪是由于炒面引起的。据报道，中国炒面中的化学元素使人无法控制自己的性冲动。昌迪加尔的Chhatar Jitende说：“炒面将导致激素失衡，会使人沉溺于性冲动。”
然而我爱炒面，同样的，在公共汽车站我会欣赏偶尔遇到的漂亮女性。为了节省时间，那么现在就把我抓起来吧。

Answer 2

星期一,2012年10月22日,一名男子被逮捕前几天有不洁的思想对一个女人在一个公共汽车站。“这是非法的了吗?”我问一个香港女人名叫棉绒,是谁给我的信息。喝咖啡的时候与一小群中国女权主义者,棉绒递给我一个报告,一个新闻网站Bulowaya24在非洲。它说那些等在一个公交车站在津巴布韦注意到克利福德Mavete,27岁,是“出汗和展示一个表达式的代名词,一个人从事性,而他的眼睛粘在女人站在他面前。“换句话说,他的脸是远程提交突击。“受害者”,一个中年妇女,然后“告诉人聚集,她有一些不寻常的有趣的感情在她的私处。”(我不是胡编乱造。)紧张的场景涉及两人实际上没有做任何对方戏剧性升级当女人宣布她的内衣已经神奇地消失了。人群把Mavete送到了警察局,警官们发现这些指控非常可信,指控这个人思想犯罪。幸运的对于他们来说,这已成为一种公认的犯罪:mubobobo,这意味着神奇的远程性侵犯。我犯了一个明显的问题:“如果介意犯罪现在非法,你不妨锁定在这个星球上每一个人。”女人回答说:“好主意。“这整个事情是认真读心术令人担忧。美国军方上周宣布他们发明了读心术望远镜可以使用武器。当你夹到你的脸,他们开始监视你的大脑活动和学习你的思想认为是敌人。这可能是坏的和大量的老板可能会死。和婆婆,太。第二天,丰田的日本告诉我关于他们的“读心术汽车”称为昆虫。发现主人的临近,解锁本身,然后猜测你想去的地方。“早上好,Vittachi先生,我们去丰田陈列室,因为你的潜意识再次告诉我,你想过你的一天。“一点理智,我转向了《印度时报》。不是一个好主意。性犯罪是由于炒面,一个政治家在印度上周警告说。化学品在中国炒面使人无法控制自己的冲动,它报道。“炒面导致激素失衡唤起一种冲动,要将沉溺于这样的行为,”Chhatar Jitender的昌迪加尔。我爱炒面。和我偶尔欣赏美丽的女性在公共汽车站。节省时间,我现在就执行。