Question

英语好的大神麻烦帮我修改一下这篇英语作文，批改网检测只有58分

要写英语作文，内容是关于马云在达沃斯论坛的演讲。我觉得虽然写的一般但不至于只有58啊。。。求大神帮忙改一下，谢谢了。。。要用批改网检测的。。。
Jack Ma has made a speech at the Davos Forum, in which he detailed about his study and entrepreneurial experiences.
I was deeply touched after watching his speech. How can you imagine that the richest man in China was rejected for more than 30 times when he was young? But he never gives up. The man who finally made it to university after passing three examinations for college decided to establish Alibaba, but no one support him. Everybody said:"You won't gain success! Nobody likes your business model! " In 2001, Jack Ma came to the United States to raise 3 million dollars, but he was rejected by many venture capital firms. Now, he came again, but he gets 25 billion dollars.
No one doubts his success now and I think his perseverance has made him what he is today. Jack Ma said:"Always believe in yourself, no matter how others view, always keep it simple and pure. " I share these words with you and let's look at the world in a more positive attitude. I believe we can change the world again!

Answer 1

你有旁乱一些小错误，不太细心的结果，已经改好了
Jack Ma has made a speech at the Davos Forum, in which he detailed about his study and entrepreneurial experiences.
I was deeply touched after watching his speech. How could you imagine that the richest man in China was rejected more than 30 times when he was young? But he never gave up. The man who finally managed to go to university after passing the third examinations for college. When he decided to establish Alibaba, but no one supported him. Everybody said:"缺启基You won'伏谨t gain success! Nobody likes your business model! " In 2001, Jack Ma came to the United States to raise 3 million dollars, but he was rejected by many venture capital firms. Now, he comes again, but he gets 25 billion dollars.
No one doubts his success now and I think his perseverance has made him be what he is today. Jack Ma said:"Always believe in yourself, no matter how others view, always keep simple and pure. " I share these words with you and let's look at the world in a more positive attitude. I believe we can change the world again!

追问

涨了2分。。。到了60.5了。。。

追答

我只能给你改一些语法错误，毕竟内容我不能改，这是你自己的思想

我只能给你改一些语法错误，毕竟内容我不能改，这是你自己的思想

Answer 2

1. 第二段How can you建议改成How could you.语气委婉一点兆唤。

2. 第二段was rejested more than建议改成had been rejested over或was rejested over.

3. 第二段But he never gives up.建议改成He can never gave up, can we?

4. The man who finally made it...建议改成managed...

5. 组建阿里巴巴是多年前的事，support应该改为supported.
   

6. 第二段建议从In 2001开始换一段。族罩凯

7. 原第三段I think his perseverance has made him what he is today.中的has made建议改成makes.

这样之闷如后你再试试看看

追问

改完分数降了0.5.....