Question

雅思小作文批改，详细一点，在那应该改进，差不多多少分。谢谢

The pie charts compare the proportion of fuel source used to generate the electricity in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000.
Approximately 50 percent of electricity production (50 unites) created by coal power. This was the highest proportion of total production in 1980 in Australia. As the same time in France, the coal power generation accounted for nearly 30 percent（25 units） of the total. The percentage of the coal power generation rose to thirteen over seventeen. Otherwise in France it remained steady at around 30 percent.
The hydro power and the natural gas both had 20 percent（20 units） in Australia, but hydro power was different from natural gas, it rose to 40 percent(36 units) and natural gas had the minimum quantity (2 units).
In another country, France, these two aspects accounted 45 percent in all in 1980, while in 2000 these dropped down to only 4 units.
And the nuclear power did not make any contribution in Australia`s electricity production, but the situation was diametrically opposed to the France. The composition of nuclear power generation was nearly two-thirds in all.
It is clear from the charts that the main way to generate electricity in Australia was coal and in France was nuclear power.

Answer 1

　　如果是一个pie chart: The pie chart compares the proportions(复数因为多于一个fuel source, 导致多于一个比例）of different fuel sources（复数因为多于一个fuel source）used to generate electricity (the 可以去掉）in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000.
　　如果是两个pie chart：The pie charts compare the proportions(复数因为多于一个fuel source, 导致多于一个比例）of different fuel sources（复数因为多于一个fuel source）used to generate electricity (the 可以去掉）in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000. In Australia(先说Australia可以避免在句尾的时候使用2个in）, the largest proportion of electricity （production 和 create 重复),which accounts for approximately 50 percent of total production(50 unites), was generated(能源应该用生成而不是创造） by coal power in 1980(改了句型，流畅性不太好，还有一点不清楚）. In the same year, electricity generated with coal accounted for nearly 30 percent(25 units) of the total production of electricity in France(写的不清楚，会让人以为是在生成煤能源而不是电。不要认为前面提过是在生成电而省略强调生成的是什么）.****The percentage of the coal power generation rose to thirteen over seventeen.(不懂你要表达什么）**** While（我想你可能是想要比较Australia 和France，不能用otherwise) in France it remained steady at around 30 percent.
　　In 1980, electricity generated with hydro power and natural gas each accounted for 20 percent（20 unit) of total electricity production in Australia. Electricity generated with hydro power rose to 40 percent(36 units) in 2000 while natural gas had the minimum quantity (2 units)(没写比较的时间）.

　　In France, these two aspects accounted 45 percent in all in 1980, but in 2000 they dropped down to only 4 units(百分比是多少？）.

　　While the nuclear power did not make any contribution in Australia`s electricity production, the situation was dynamically different in France. Electricity generated with nuclear power was nearly two-thirds of all electricity production(那一年？）.

　　It is clear from the charts that the main way to generate electricity in Australia was to use coal power while in France it was to use nuclear power.

　　总的来说文章写得不太清楚，过度较为粗糙，语法问题不大可是可能是有点粗心，小问题不少。有什么问题可以发邮件给我。meijingyang@yahoo.com

Answer 2

The pie charts compare the proportion of fuel source used to generate electricity in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000 respectively.
Approximately 50 percent of the electricity production (50 units) are created by coal power. This was the highest proportion of total production in 1980, Australia. As the same time in France, the power generated by coal accounted for nearly 30 percent（25 units） of the total. *The percentage of the coal power generation rose to thirteen over seventeen.* Otherwise in France it remained steady at around 30 percent.
**The hydro power and the natural gas both were 20 percent（20 units） in Australia, but hydro power was different from natural gas, it rose to 40 percent(36 units)** and natural gas had the minimum quantity (2 units).
In another country, France, these two aspects accounted 45 percent altogether in 1980, while in 2000 these dropped down to only 4 units.
The nuclear power did not make any contribution to Australia`s electricity production, but the situation was diametrically opposed to the France. The composition of nuclear power generation was nearly two-thirds in all.
It is clear from the charts that the main way to generate electricity in Australia was coal and in France was nuclear power.

*The percentage of the coal power generation rose to thirteen over seventeen.*

I don't understand what you mean by this. If you say percentage then give a percentage. If you mean a fraction then give a fraction.

**The hydro power and the natural gas both were 20 percent（20 units） in Australia, but hydro power was different from natural gas, it rose to 40 percent(36 units)**

You said they were same (both 20 percent), then went on saying that they are different... Make up your mind.

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先谢谢您了。除了两处问题再者有没有语法错误?这是刚开始写作文大约能得几分??再次感谢

追答

I have corrected this, so you may find minor changes in my version. You are welcome.
I never sat IELTS >_<; I can't say what marks you may get, sorry~.
But if you want to improve your English I don't mind exchanging private messages with you in English.

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may i have your e mail or qq?

追答

sent you a private message, as well as an invatation to Baidu Hi.

Answer 3

6分
Approximately 50 percent of electricity production (50 unites) created by coal power.
was created by

Answer 4

 

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什么网？是软件吗？