Question

求托福TPO1的综合写作作文批改

In the lecture, the professor
casts doubt on the reading passage`s idea that offering employees the four-day
working option may increase the company`s economy and employees` life quality.
The professor asserts that four-day working option may have nothing to do with
the company or employee.

To begin with, the professor
argues that it would decrease the company`s profits if they shorten the
workweek. According to the reading passage, employees would make fewer significant
errors in their work because of the increasing resting time, and the company
could hire more people with the same money they payed for five-day workweek. In
opposition to this arguement, the professor says that hire more people means
that the company would pay more for freshmen`s training, and new employees need
working space and computers.

On top of that, the professor
claims that four-day workweek would increase the employees` pressure. The
reading passage describes that this policy can shift the employees` workload to
others. But on the contrary, that professor states that the company would
increase the expectation, they would want employees finish the whole working
they did in five days in four day, it can increase the job difficulty and would
make people always over working.

Lastly, the professor rebuts
the reading`s point that this policy is good for individual employees, by
demonstrating that more free time would make people decrease the job stability.
The professor points out that the company would be willing to choose the person
who likes to work five days, and the four-day working employees would have
risks loosing job.
万分感谢。。。

Answer 1

在演讲中，该professorcasts无疑对阅读文章的思想，`员工提供的四dayworking选项可能会增加公司的经济` `和员工的生活质量。教授认为，为期4天的工作选项可能没有任何公司或员工。首先，该professorargues会减少公司的利润，如果他们缩短theworkweek `。根据文章，员工在工作中会更少significanterrors因增加休息时间，而companycould雇佣更多的人用同样的钱都付了五天工作制。处于相反的情形，这一观点，这位教授说，雇佣更多的人意味着该公司将一如既往地为新生`培训，新员工needworking空间和电脑。最重要的是，这将增加的professorclaims四天工作制的员工`压力。阅读了这一政策可以改变员工的工作量`他人。相反，教授指出，公司将增加的预期，他们希望员工完成整个workingthey确实在五天，四天，它可以增加工作难度，让人总是在工作。最后，教授rebutsthe阅读`的点，这项政策是针对员工个人好，阐释，更多的自由时间会使人们减少工作的稳定性。教授指出，公司会愿意选择那些喜欢工作五天，为期4天的工作，员工将失去工作haverisks。
流畅,还好啊

Answer 2

首先要说你这作文已经找到4个得分点了。综合作文每个人都有自己的模板，所以无需对于文章结构修改。（我考了4次，除第一次裸考外，综合作文得了3次Good）
但是小的可以修改的地方还是有的，比如
首段其实可以不写双方那么细节的观点，“...four-day working is benefit to both companies and employees. However, the speaker disagree with this opinion." 就足以了，细节后面详述。
第二段，he professor argues that it would decrease.. 我个人建议把IT改成this plan/suggestion。
第三段，我不建议先写两种观点再分别详述，新东方史禺老师教过我说这样容易让考官难以分辨支撑细节。
还有一些单复数小错误，"they did in five days in four day"之类的无伤大雅，不会扣分。

追问

那这样的综合写作算OK吗？继续加强的地方还有哪些呢？

追答

认真而言你的语法运用技巧比我要高，但其实综合写作在文笔上要求不高的，综合写作要抓住的就是四个点，观点对立/支持，双方观点及支持细节×3. 你这篇文章里4点都齐了，理论上讲应该是Good。
你要非要加强的话就只有增加同义转换，把细节小错误改掉（单复数；时态；动名词运用-比如第二段“...says that hire more people means that...” 就需要改）