Question

雅思作文 麻烦老师帮忙修改一下

Topic：Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.

Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

We used to impart a foreign language to children when they attend a secondary school.Presently,a prevalent new view point is that
there are a number of positive outcomes if a student start to learn a foreigh language from primary school.

The drawbacks of studying a second language early are multifarious.To start with,an elementary school student should be given more freedom,that is to say,studying a language might become a significant burden of him or her.As a consequence,a variety of negative
atitude(i.e. afraid of attending school and even get bored of everyting) could be triggered due to the situation.Moreover,primary
school teachers are rarely obtained a special trainnig for teaching a language,so that they are probably not professional and their
student might be misled and get wrong knowledge.

However,the idea has also gainned numerous advocates,for the sake of the following reasons.To learn a language from childhood is more rational according to several science researches.More specifically,children who were impart a language at primary schools could more likely to accept it when comparied with those study at secondary schools.Additionally,studying a language is a long-term
objective which needs us to devote ourselves into it for dozens of years.Which means, the earlier we learn it,the more skilled
language we will have.

All in all,I hold the opinion that the children are spposed to learn a foreign language from attending primary school.Admittedly there are
plenty of pros and cons for this issue, I believe the former prevails over the latter.As a college student,I totally understand the
importance of a foreign language,especially take the trend of globalization into consideration

Answer 1

首先，从审题来看：

问题讨论的是，从小学开始学外语是否好过从中学开始学外语，你的文章写的重点是是否应该从小学学外语（除了这句话以外，基本没有比较过中学跟小学学外语的优缺点啦。Children who were impart a language at primary schools could more likely to accept it when comparied with those study at secondary schools.），这个文章整篇就是偏题的啦。这个问题严重啊。建议你可以尝试画框，分别列两边的优缺点再写，这样就可以保证至少不离题，不偏题啦。

其次，从逻辑方面来说：

你的第一段的观点到第二点的观点过度很突兀。看你第一段的时候，觉得你认为是应该早点学，突然到第二点的时候，变成了缺点一堆的说明，所以，建议你第一段里边直接表明观点，你可以在陈述完第一个观点后，加多一句表明你自己的观点的话， which I strongly support，之类的。反正是要表明观点。到第二点的时候，是转折的话，请加上你的表示转折的词。

第三段的时候，你的第一句话，the idea指代是错误的，根据第一句，也就是说the idea指代的是第二个观点，谁知道你写下来的是第一个观点。逻辑很混乱啊。如果你不知道如何知道的话，你干脆直接写明观点的内容，这样的话就可以避免了。

其次，语言上边：
1.你要多注意一些固定词组的搭配，比如说 become a significant burden of him or her，burden to sb才是正确的用法哦，不是of sb哦。
2.名词的单复数，a variety of negative atitude，这个attitude应该是复数哦。
3.动词的应用， could more likely to accept it，likely的话，应该是be likely to，所以，你如果用could的话，也应该是could be more likely哦，这个你也可以当作是固定搭配啦。especially take the trend of globalization into consideration。这个应该是， taking the trend啊，作为状语啊。。

类似的问题就等你自己慢慢按照这些原则来核对啦。当然，用词可以再提高一下，不过你得先把这三个基本问题搞定了，再来说用更好的词表达自己的意思。

雅思加油啦~~

追问

第一段到第二段经您这么一说确实挺别扭，还有那几个搭配。这个作文您觉得考试可以得多少分呢？

追答

5.5分吧~~

Answer 2

怎么修改啊？这个问题就像先有鸡还是先有蛋一样没什么好研究的。应该讨论下学习的时间短还有环境，什么样子的环境适应学习新的语言，什么年纪的智力有助于学习新的语言，还有相应的国家教育政策等等。你讨论的这个我个人感觉没什么意思。