求大神批改雅思5 test3大作文谢谢
Inrecentyears,therehasbeenaheateddebateaboutwhetherchildrenshouldbeencouragedtohaveas...
In recent years, there has been a heated debate about whether children should be encouraged to have a sense of competition or they should be taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. This essay will explain two main opinions and give two reasons why I agree with children should be taught to co-operate rather than compete.
Firstly, encouraging the children to have a sense of co-operating may help them to grow a more devoted and stronger person. Co-operating with others sometimes may need to lose their own benefit but generate more benefit for the whole team. The children will have a more long-term vision in the future which can help them be more successful. Also, co-operating means that getting help form others when meeting difficulties. It can help children improve their social skills and become stronger.
Secondly, encourage to improve a sense of competition may make children become aggressive and selfish. The children may only consider about their benefit and ignore others’. When children be used to compete with others, they will become aggressive and easy to be jealous. It will make them lose the opportunities to make friends with their competitors and struggle with the loneliness.
However, there are some advantages of a sense of competition, such as the children may be encouraged to chase the competitors who are better than them which can help children to improve themselves. Nevertheless, encouraging this behavior will easily change children into a person tired of comparing with others rather than a more useful adult in the future.
In conclusion, with the reasons presented above, I agree with the opinion about the children should be taught to co-operate rather than compete. 展开
Firstly, encouraging the children to have a sense of co-operating may help them to grow a more devoted and stronger person. Co-operating with others sometimes may need to lose their own benefit but generate more benefit for the whole team. The children will have a more long-term vision in the future which can help them be more successful. Also, co-operating means that getting help form others when meeting difficulties. It can help children improve their social skills and become stronger.
Secondly, encourage to improve a sense of competition may make children become aggressive and selfish. The children may only consider about their benefit and ignore others’. When children be used to compete with others, they will become aggressive and easy to be jealous. It will make them lose the opportunities to make friends with their competitors and struggle with the loneliness.
However, there are some advantages of a sense of competition, such as the children may be encouraged to chase the competitors who are better than them which can help children to improve themselves. Nevertheless, encouraging this behavior will easily change children into a person tired of comparing with others rather than a more useful adult in the future.
In conclusion, with the reasons presented above, I agree with the opinion about the children should be taught to co-operate rather than compete. 展开
1个回答
展开全部
您好，这一篇作文有几个比较大的问题：
1）选词：有几处的选词不够理想，比如 may need to lose their own benefit but generate 可能改成 may need to sacrify their own benefit。感觉整篇文章几个核心词汇用的太频繁，导致审美疲劳，比如 compete，competition，co-operate，co-operating 等，应该使用近义词替代。
2）有几处断句，比如：Also, co-operating means that getting help form others when meeting difficulties. 这里 that 引导的从句不完整，form 应该是 from。... they should be taught to co-operate
rather than compete become more useful adults. 这里的谓语动词 compete 和 become 重叠了，分不出来了。
3）第二段、第三段，和第四段很绕，尤其是关于第一段和第二段关于 benefit 的，想要表达的意思尽管相反，但很不清楚；句子结构过于啰嗦，不够紧凑。
4）第四段的 however，位置不正确。整段应该放在 firstly 之前比较好。
5）句子有很明显的语法问题，还有一些语义表达或是用法不正确的地方，比如：may help them to grow a more devoted and stronger person. 这里的 grow a peson 是不正确的，应该改成 personality。英语可以是 to be/become a stronger person, 或是 grow/develop a stronger personality，但没有 grow a person.
6）这篇文章，您采用了：好/坏同在一个段落里，导致了文章变成了 好/坏/好/坏/好/坏 穿插，也就变成读到最后时，不确定是好的多，还是坏的多；而最终，好的只有4成（在 firstly 段落），而坏的占了6成（在 secondly 和 however 段落）也导致了您的观点变得越来越模糊了，不确定您到底是支持 competition 还是 co-operation 了。
我该写了，您看看：
In recent years, there has been a heated debate about whether children should be encouraged to have a sense of competitiveness or they should be taught to co-operate in order to become more useful adults. This short passage will demonstrate two opinions and attempt to give two reasons why I agree with the idea that children should be taught to co-operate with one another than to compete against each other.
Though there are some advantages of being competitive, such as being able to tackle problems single-handedly, improve oneself, and boost one's self-ego, it is also very dangerous that this behaviour may easily become self-proud, aggresive, and self-centred if not carefully led. Children may end up in the endless chasing and comparing cycles, and weight too much on the result of losing/winning and blind themselves throughout the process of self-building.
On the other hand, encouraging children to co-operate with one another may help them to grow a more devoted and stronger personality, thus enabling them to be better team-players. Children will learn that co-operating with others may sometimes spell sacrifice for some, yet such sacrifice may actually be beneficial to the whole team. After all, if the whole team wins, all win, if the whole team loses, all lose. They will learn the value of team-spirit.
No one is perfect, yet when people work together, we can meet and make up each other's short-comings and become perfect as a unity. By encouraging children to co-operate, they learn to face each other's weaknesses and strengths. By co-operating with one another, they learn to cope with difficulties together, and solve obstacles as a team. They will learn a chain is as strong as its weakest link, and by working together, they can strengthen this weakest link.
It is said that a single chopstick is easily broken into two, yet a bunch will be almost indestructible. With the reasons
presented above, I agree with the opinion that children should be
taught to co-operate with one another rather than to compete against each other.
希望这样的分析可以帮到您。
1）选词：有几处的选词不够理想，比如 may need to lose their own benefit but generate 可能改成 may need to sacrify their own benefit。感觉整篇文章几个核心词汇用的太频繁，导致审美疲劳，比如 compete，competition，co-operate，co-operating 等，应该使用近义词替代。
2）有几处断句，比如：Also, co-operating means that getting help form others when meeting difficulties. 这里 that 引导的从句不完整，form 应该是 from。... they should be taught to co-operate
rather than compete become more useful adults. 这里的谓语动词 compete 和 become 重叠了，分不出来了。
3）第二段、第三段，和第四段很绕，尤其是关于第一段和第二段关于 benefit 的，想要表达的意思尽管相反，但很不清楚；句子结构过于啰嗦，不够紧凑。
4）第四段的 however，位置不正确。整段应该放在 firstly 之前比较好。
5）句子有很明显的语法问题，还有一些语义表达或是用法不正确的地方，比如：may help them to grow a more devoted and stronger person. 这里的 grow a peson 是不正确的，应该改成 personality。英语可以是 to be/become a stronger person, 或是 grow/develop a stronger personality，但没有 grow a person.
6）这篇文章，您采用了：好/坏同在一个段落里，导致了文章变成了 好/坏/好/坏/好/坏 穿插，也就变成读到最后时，不确定是好的多，还是坏的多；而最终，好的只有4成（在 firstly 段落），而坏的占了6成（在 secondly 和 however 段落）也导致了您的观点变得越来越模糊了，不确定您到底是支持 competition 还是 co-operation 了。
我该写了，您看看：
In recent years, there has been a heated debate about whether children should be encouraged to have a sense of competitiveness or they should be taught to co-operate in order to become more useful adults. This short passage will demonstrate two opinions and attempt to give two reasons why I agree with the idea that children should be taught to co-operate with one another than to compete against each other.
Though there are some advantages of being competitive, such as being able to tackle problems single-handedly, improve oneself, and boost one's self-ego, it is also very dangerous that this behaviour may easily become self-proud, aggresive, and self-centred if not carefully led. Children may end up in the endless chasing and comparing cycles, and weight too much on the result of losing/winning and blind themselves throughout the process of self-building.
On the other hand, encouraging children to co-operate with one another may help them to grow a more devoted and stronger personality, thus enabling them to be better team-players. Children will learn that co-operating with others may sometimes spell sacrifice for some, yet such sacrifice may actually be beneficial to the whole team. After all, if the whole team wins, all win, if the whole team loses, all lose. They will learn the value of team-spirit.
No one is perfect, yet when people work together, we can meet and make up each other's short-comings and become perfect as a unity. By encouraging children to co-operate, they learn to face each other's weaknesses and strengths. By co-operating with one another, they learn to cope with difficulties together, and solve obstacles as a team. They will learn a chain is as strong as its weakest link, and by working together, they can strengthen this weakest link.
It is said that a single chopstick is easily broken into two, yet a bunch will be almost indestructible. With the reasons
presented above, I agree with the opinion that children should be
taught to co-operate with one another rather than to compete against each other.
希望这样的分析可以帮到您。
更多追问追答
追问
大神，请允许我献上我的双膝
追答
您客气了。雅思写作本来就不简单，尤其是这种争论性较强的题目。不过英语思维和汉语思维几乎是完全反过来的，重要的放在后面，不重要的放在前面。英语作文善于泛指到特指，由结尾往头发展再从头开始写到位。这一些和汉语意思都是相反的。英语句子以物称为主语较为常见，每一个句子几乎都只有一个主要的主语，其余的都是辅助用的；而汉语的句子以人称为主语较为常见，句子中可以出现多个主语，互不相干的也可以放在一个句子中，这个是英语无法接受的。所以常读英语原著或是多练习可以提高写作能力。
已赞过
已踩过<
评论
收起
你对这个回答的评价是？
推荐律师服务：
若未解决您的问题，请您详细描述您的问题，通过百度律临进行免费专业咨询
