Question

高中英语作文评分（请高中英语教师进）

这是即将要高三的一次模拟考，作文自己写好(无修改，一气呵成）但是没人评分，望各位老师评一下分并且写下您的观点和修改建议。谢谢。

It was Grandpa`s birthday party . Children ignored their grandpa , playing their mobile phone all the time,grandpa signed and hearing their laughter,walked to his room lonely.It is we children who are often doing our business at parents` or grandparents`s parties. There is no denying that we ignore chat with our grandparents. What they need is a warm talk ,so how should we do at that party? here are some tips.
Firstly, never play your mobile phone during a party,if possible ,shut it off . Next ,trying to talk with our grandpa is of great significance.Nevertheless,you`d better not talk them with some short words , which will hurt their minds ,too. Futhermore , we ought to drink with our grandparents ,it is a symbol of love .Lastly ,smiling to our grandparents is good .
Such being this case , we will never make our grandparents lonely.

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Answer 1

It was Grandpa`sbirthday party. Children ignored their grandpa, playing their mobile phone allthe time,① grandpa signed and hearing② their laughter, walked ③to his room lonely. （描述事件）It is we children who are often doing our business at parents` or grandparents`s④ parties. There is no denying that we ignore chat⑤ with our grandparents. （分析现象）What they need is a warm talk, so how should we do atthat party? here⑥ are some tips.
Firstly, never play your mobile phone during a party, if possible, shut it off.Next, trying to talk with our grandpa isof great significance. Nevertheless,you`d better not talk them with some short words, which will hurt their minds, too.Futhermore,⑦ we ought to drink ⑧with our grandparents, it is a symbol oflove. Lastly, smiling to our grandparents is good.（提出建议）
Such being this case, we will never make our grandparents lonely.
首先是评分问题：（本人参与过高考作文阅卷，按13年标准）
高考作文25分共5档；初次阅读后给我印象在四档（16-20分）
本文谓语及非谓语使用错误2处，扣1分；拼写错误两处，扣1分；语法、大小写、用词不当各一处，扣1.5；另外字数方面多余或少于规定字数20个也在总分中扣去2分；综上，本文得分16—17分。
一、审题：三个要点：描述事件、分析现象、提出建议，作者在三方面均有涉及，基本分可以拿到。（14分）
遗憾的是，分析欠深入，建议着墨稍多。
二、结构：明显头重脚轻，影响阅卷人第一印象。应将篇幅布局匀称化。
三、扣分点：
①：此处缺连词，衔接不当，补上 in the meanwhile
②应用heard
③应用walking 非谓语的运用要逻辑缜密
④多了一个s
⑤ignore doing sth.
⑥大写
⑦拼写错误，应为furthermore
⑧drink 用的不够恰当
四、亮点
强调结构、同位语、高级词汇significance，知道用nevertheless替换however 也很不错，这也是本文可以进入四档作文的原因。
五、建议：
①分析深入些
②合理布局结构
③修正基本语法错误（阅卷时一处扣0.5）
④尝试使用倒装、定语从句，有能力的可考虑独立主格
⑤将衔接词换的新颖些：如 to commence with ,on top of that, additionally,等等

追问

1. 字数应如何控制？整篇文章如何分段？段数在几段为好？

   2.  除了您给的建议外，要怎么才能给您的第一印象达到第五档这个档次？

追答

①字数方面比较稳妥的作法是打个简单的草稿，每个要点字数大致相当；
②文章分段一个比较可取的方法是，题目要求三个要点，那就每个要点成一段，这样一目了然，保证不丢基本分；目前三段式作文比较流行，在高考中也是多数考生选择的。
③关于五档作文（21—25分），这个确实是有一定难度的，就13年高考阅卷，教师打分在五档的必须提交给阅卷大组长审核，也就是说五档作文的比例是非常少的。
就我自己的评分习惯而言，达到五档需做到：字迹清晰、卷面清爽（不要出现黑团等）、结构匀称（最好是四段，前三段各一个要点，最后一段点下题，这是最好的）、有一定量的高级词汇及用法，最后一点：也是最重要的：努力写好每一段第一句话，要先声夺人，不能图穷匕见，让亮点被评卷人一眼就扫到！