Question

雅思 剑五 test3 大作文 求大神批改

Some people support that children should be encouraged to have a sense ofcompetition while some people advocate the spirit of co-operating which is moreuseful should be taught to children.
The sense of competition may be a motivation of children's study. Childrenwho are competitive usually more like to study hard without parents' orteachers' press. We all know nowadays, this is a society with manycompetitions. We often can see several young individuals compete for a samejob. And some of them lose not because they are not as good as enough, but theydo not get used to competitions. So the early education of a sense ofcompetition can help children be more self-conscious and adjust the societybetter when they grow up.
At the same time, individuals have to co-operate with someone else nomatter in studying or in working. Especially in many occasions, it isimpossible for one person to complete a task totally by himself. So it isimportant for children to learn co-operating with others, which can benefitthem in their every period of life. In addition, people who have a spirit ofco-operating usually can get along well with other ones and have a goodinterpersonal relationship which can benefit them when they need help.
Overall, to my mind, both the sense of competition and co-operating areneedful for children's education. Children should have a sense of competitionbut cannot be selfish, and a competition without spite is quite a good challengefor …… 因为字数超出了所以完整的内容在图片里面 谢谢!!!

Answer 1

6-6.5分， 你的作文句子结构不错，虽然有些错误，内容有点重复，词伙比较少，所以很难上7

追问

谢谢

Answer 2

6.5左右把，词汇重复比较逊色哦，同义词替换会好很多。