Question

求英语大神帮我改改托福作文~

Nowadays, along with the augment of socialcompetition, an increasing number of parents choose to send their children tothe extra course for improving children' ability, such as music, art, math,science, history and language. Indeed, the extra course would help childrenimprove their capacity, but, taking the disadvantages that the extra coursebrings about to the kids into account, I believe that its merits outweigh itsdisadvantages.

The extra course would deprive a preciouschildhood from children. As we all know, hardly a kid likes to go to thiscourse when s/he off class, especially when s/he found that otherchildren is playing. In this process, s/he may lose many chances tocommunicate with her/his peers. As a result, what the parents leave forchildren's memory is study and pain. It is a perfect and colorful childhoodthat will exert a profound and favorable influence on kids' future developmentto establish optimistic personality. Without those memories, children will becomemore and more pessimistic and lack of interpersonal skill.

Moreover, extra courses may be not workedas parents wanted. When a guy is compelled to do something, the result of thatnormally is inferior. As the old saying goes that interest is the best teacher.When children encounter the problem that their parents command them to go tostudy the things that they don't like, children would express some kind ofattitude towards the courses that drop it. Consequently, even if they could togo those classes physically, their mind may hand out with their friends.

In addition, many parents send theirchildren to the extra course mainly because they found other parents do it.Parents are afraid of their children that will lose competitiveness when otherkids get the chance for improvement and their children are playing computergames at home. This sense of insecurity is so common in the work place, justlike your boss always talk to one of your co-worker and at this moment; youwould engender this kind of feeling that you would lose something. In fact, theboss may just arrange some extra tasks to your co-worker and he is suffering.So parents should delete this wrong feeling from their mind.

All in all, we cannot deny the fact thatmany children get the achievement through taking extra courses. However, wealso cannot contradict the fact that those children lose so many things intheir way to success, at least a happy childhood, which is invaluable treasurefor everyone. So I firmly believe that children need a free holiday rather thana busy weekend.

Answer 1

第一段：If I were the cup, I would be the cup which were full.in care I want to come true the dream which is belong myself.Although it's diffcult to true for me,but I'm unwilling to be a cup of half or less than it.第二段：Right now, I am going through the most difficult period of my life. I have to pass the examination for I want to go to Beijing University that is the best one in Chine. I know it is a hard job for me, but I am a "cup of full" and brave enough to overcome every difficulty and grasp every opportunity which I face.第三段：I believe that I will be a man of sucessful, because I decide to challenge life of myself。房主从这些简单句型练习吧，我随手写的，做参考，楼主的文章看得我头疼，拜托你想表达什么？中心在哪里先写出来，用复杂到别人都厌恶，还犯错那就逆天了

追问

怎么像是口语的= =大侠~

追答

我⊙﹏⊙b汗，你想咋样？简单易懂又有深度，不知道你的追求！

追问

我想说哦~作文这样写不好吧~毕竟是书面语~ 你给我的这个真心像是口语第一题额~
有没有什么书面一点的啊~

追答

加工一下就好了嘛~~变通：If being the cup, I would be it fulling.In care I want to come true the dream belonging myself.Although it's diffcult to true,but I'm unwilling being of half or less than it.第二段：Right now, I am going through the most difficult period of my life. having to pass the examination for I want to go to Beijing University that is the best one in China. I know it is a hard job, but I am a "cup of full" and brave enough to overcome every difficulty and grasp every opportunity which I face.第三段：Believeing will be a man of sucessful, because I decide to challenge life of myself。不要小看口语好不？你以为书面语是从哪里来的啊？英国人一早就有书面语么？还不是从口语延展而来的！！口语还是最常用的呢~一篇文章不在于你用了多少高级句型，也不在乎用了多少高级 词汇，只要做到了句子的句意拥有了灵魂，他的含义不仅仅局限于普通的想法，而且语言生动活泼，引人入胜，有涵养（当然谚语是最佳的选择，一个国家的语言最丰富最有趣的就是谚语啦），这样的文章才算是好文章，有中心思想（经常在第一段表明）有论证（中间）有结论（结尾），语法不易出错，而且没有肤浅的句型（通俗与特别秉承），这样才是好文章啊！

Answer 2

从第一句话中就可以看出国内学英语的永远不知道 to 和 for 在表示“为。。“的意思该用哪个。
托福考生写作文最大的特点就是很想多用一些较为高级的词汇，可惜实际上根本不知道如何运用，结果就是，自己读起来整个文章就非常别扭。
英语作文的最高境界不是高级词汇的多少和句型的如何复制，而是用最简单的词汇写出让人感觉高级深刻的文章，而这个程度在国内永远也达不到。
就算是国外读了博士的中国人，英语文章写出来的文笔也比不上老外8岁小孩写的文章。

楼主这个文章，哎， 真个文章能够用简单的句式表达的全部被刻意复杂化，非常不通顺。我在国外为投资公司和客户写分析报告，多少年了也偶尔会犯这个毛病。不过楼主这个文章，起步水平吧，不知道托福能不能过得去。

追问

大侠~麻烦你把to 和 for 和我说下撒？ 很厉害的样子
还有大侠~我是新手~新手~求进步啊~没见过什么世面~还请您多多指教啊~我高考英语才90分啊

追答

语法错误太多　－　走路学好了，再学跳。

追问

55555 我很可怜啊~没人教我啊~我以前错误更多都是 网页批改看错误的~~~好人救救我啊 最起码举个例子吧~大神

追答

我擦，你这个没法改，不但是语法，句式都很错乱，　除非全部重写了－　不好意思啊

追问

那我该怎么写呢？ 以简单句为主，辅助以含有conj.的复合句？
还是怎么弄哦~ 给个方向吧~我知道 底子薄了~句子长了肯定纰漏多嘛~您不是有多年经验嘛 ~说说吧~大侠

追答

想临阵磨枪的话，只能这样：　找20个最常用的高级点的复合句型，完全记住，写作就套用这几个高级句式，其余的可以简单点，少出错。