Question

托福作文修改，请大神帮忙指点一二，谢谢啦~

这是我近两天的练习，拜托有经验的老师或同学指点一二，非常感谢！
练习一（2016年真题）：Do you agree or disagree: The government should offer internet access to all of citizens at no cost.
我的作文（请各位多多指教啦~\(≧▽≦)/~）
Currently, with the rapid development of science and technology, Internet has become an essential part of modern life. The Internet is now the main access to information for the majority of us, as well as the basis of our social relationship. However, for some people who are unable to afford the expenses of Internet access, this era, which is called 'The Internet Age', seems to be increasingly farther. Consequently, I agree with the opinion that the government should offer Internet access to all of citizens at no cost.

Initially, free Internet access to all citizens is beneficial to the economic development as well as the improvement of poor people's life. In some remote areas, people there have no awareness of the advantages Internet may offer them, not to mention how to make use of it. Some have dozens of fruits or other products but not knowing how to make a profit from sale, while others live in a fascinating environment but not knowing how to attract tourists. They are suffering poverty, unaware of the fact that Internet can be of great use to get rid of indigence. Thanks to the boom of e-commerce, if the government offer them Internet access and make them aware of how advantageous Internet is, netizens worldwide can purchase their products, which will bring them tremendous profits.

Additionally, it will bring children who have no Internet access much trouble that they can hardly get along well with others when they grow up, since our social network is completely based on the Internet. To promote fairness, the government should offer free Internet access in order to prevent the dilemma that will probably happen. Take my roommate, Susan, for example. Susan was born in a remote village, having no social-media account before entering university. At the beginning, she was confused that we, the other classmates, have known each other well before the first meeting. Virtually, we just connect new friends through Internet in summer vacation, getting some basic information about others like hobbies and personalities. Susan felt isolated for a long time, fearing that we didn't regard her as a good friend. Provided that she had free Internet access offered by the government, she should have been much happier in her first year in university.

In conclusion, I am strongly in agreement of the statement that the government should offer Internet access to all of citizens at no cost. For one thing, it benefits the economy in some remote areas. For another, it promotes fairness between citizens who differ in class.

Answer 1

望采纳，谢谢

追问

谢谢你，我自己已经在批改网上查过一遍语法错误了，放在这里提问是希望有经验的大神提一些结构、逻辑、语言是否精炼等方面的建议，不是机器能够判断的。Thank you all the same.