求大神批改雅思6 test2大作文谢谢
As a successful sports professional, every movement will be chased by fans and medias which will increase their pressure in both playground and life. To meet requirements and expectancy from the public, the professionals cannot be loose and relaxed. Any errors during the race will be blamed and overstated by the anxious fans and harsh medias. Also, the professionals cannot be relaxed even after the competition. People will treat them as stars rather than players in life, therefore, any inappropriate actions may have damaging effect on their fame. It means they should restrain themselves strictly which will expose them under the huge pressure. In that case, more earnings may be a kind of compensation for them to suffer it while people of other important professions may not.
Also, a great number of sports activities will be harmful to their bodies, especially the successful professionals. Many famous players terminated their sporting careers because of serious injuries. Constrained by conditions of bodies, most of sports professionals will have much shorter working life than other important professions, and the adverse influence of high-strength exercise may accompany their rest of life. The huge earnings will be eligible for them to have a relaxing life after retiring.
On the other hand, opponents may argue that the people in other professions may have more contributions to the scientific and economic or other academic fields which seems more important than sports. The researches and inventions may have more direct effects on millions of people’s life.
In my opinion, the earnings should not be judged subjectively according to the importance of the professional fields. Many factors related to successful sports professionals themselves should be considered as well.
In conclusion, I reasonably believe that successful sports professionals earn much more than people in other important professions is justified. 展开
1.题主应尽量避免不必要的复杂长句（如第一句）的出现。
2.(sports) professionals可能改成atheletes或sportsmen会更好。
3.第二段第一句中which will increase改成which increases以陈述事实。
4. 有的使用relax的地方或许可以换成be at ease，以使语言更有灵性。
5. 有的will do结构可以换成be to do，以更好地表示“注定/肯定会…”；太多将来时态应改成一般现在时态来陈述事实及必然发生的事，比如People will treat them…改成People treat them…更好(后面的in life应改成in daily life)；…sports activities will be harmful…应改成are harmful…。
6. which will expose them应该是非限制性定语从句，which前要加逗号。
7. 代词指代的对象应该清晰，像suffer it中的it到底指代谁，并不是很清晰。
8. 有些表述因过简而“失真”。比如accompany their rest of life应改成accompany them for the rest of their lives；after retiring应改成after they get retired.
9. scientific正常已经涵盖了other academic ( fields)，所以or other academic是多余的。
10. The researches…这一句同样应该是前面argue的宾语(从句)，故The前面的逗号应该去掉并加上and that (the researches…). 而This is again so complicated a sentence！
11. The word EARNINGS in most of the cases is not appropriately used than the word INCOME.
12. ( other) important professions中的important在有的地方可以去掉。
13. 第一句使用了主语从句，应在句首加上That.
14. 第二段里的race使用不当，有太多运动项目(如所有的球类项目)不宜用race表示, 换成competition才合适。
给题主三点建议：①英语以简洁流畅为美。在那些不必要使用冗长复合句的场合，切忌使用；②词汇的使用也不是越“大”越好，在那些用“大众词汇”足以将意思表达清楚的地方，最好避免使用“大”词。比如to expose them under pressure中，用put替代expose也许会更好；③有很多汉语里要用“将/会…”的地方，英语并不宜使用will do，而要使用do或be to do，应引起重视。
拙见，未必合适。不妥之处请指正。
感谢大神，批改得真好，献上我的双膝
不客气，对你有益就好
