Question

雅思大作文 求指正

Nowadays, distance-learning programs are such common thing for us (the study material by past, by interest), but some people argue that courses can never be taken as good as these by attending college or university in person. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Distance-learning is pervasive and persuasive for its efficiency and low cost, while in most counties, face to face taught by teachers is still the main trend of study. Should we alter the means of learning and replace the tele-education of the classroom? From most people, the answer is definitely no and so do I.
To begin with, even though with the advent of distance learning, more students can study at home and their schedules become flexible due to they can book the class they need, teachers can provide us with something special which cannot be obtained by distance-learning. From my experience, the matters I learn from my teacher are not only knowledge, but also about how to be a useful social member, how to confront with troubles, how to cheer up even when you fail for thousands of times. All the thing above can only be learned from the experience we get along with our teacher. Moreover, we are also influenced gradually by teachers. Socrates generated the novel philosophy thinking from his teacher, Pluto. King Alexander learned the way to manage a country from Aristotle. All the celebrities have a teacher who can enlighten their mind and become their guider, partner. In this sense, teachers are more than an individual who imparts knowledge.
From another side, tele-education can only work on the computer. For students, sitting a long-time in front of the computer and watching the screen preoccupationally may cause physical hazards, such as eyestrain, wrist and neck pain. Moreover, studying alone, without the company of peers, the child has lost a golden chance to enhance their social skill and they may be hard to be sociable,extroverted and generous in adulthood.
What I want to say is that distance-learning and schooling should never be contradictory to each other, they can work mutually. Distance-learning is a complementary path to promote students' academic performance, whereas schooling is the predominate way of studying.

Answer 1

Good writing, structure!!!

Nowadays, distance-learning programs are such common thing for us (the study material by past, by interest), but some people argue that courses can never be taken as good as these by attending college or university in person.

• Nowadays, distance-learning programs have become common ways of learning. However,  some people are still doubt about them and argue that
  remote learning courses can never achieve better effect than attending college or
  university to get lectures face to face.

To what extent do you agree or disagree? (This is not necessary as you are not making presentation to raise listeners' attention)

• delete this sentence.

  
  

Distance-learning is pervasive and persuasive for its efficiency and low cost, while in most counties, face to face taught by teachers is still the main trend of study.

• Although distance-learning is pervasive and persuasive for its low
  cost , face to face taught by teachers is still
  the main forms of learning in many countries.

Should we alter the means of learning and replace the tele-education of the classroom? From most people, the answer is definitely no and so do I.

• Should we alter the means of learning and replace the tele-education with classroom lecture? For most people, the answer is definitely no, and for me the same.

  (are you sure you are in favour of tele-education? read the following paragraphes)
  

To begin with, even though with the advent of distance learning, more students can study at home and their schedules become flexible due to they can book the class they need, teachers can provide us with something special which cannot be obtained by distance-learning.

• (Are you sure you come back to talk about the disadvantages of tele-education?)
  

• Although more
  students can stay at home to learn their courses through reading on-line teaching material and their schedules can be very flexible, sometime there are certain drawbacks as teachers can provide us with
  something special that cannot be obtained by distance-learning.

From my experience, the matters I learn from my teacher are not only knowledge, but also about how to be a useful social member, how to confront with troubles, how to cheer up even when you fail for thousands of times. 

• Based on my experience, I believe what I learn from my teacher are not only
  pure scientific knowledge, but also the knowledge about how to grow up to become a person can contribute to our society, how to face  dificulties, problems and failures, and how to cheer up even when you fail for thousands
  of times.
  

All the thing above can only be learned from the experience we get along with our teacher.

• All the above mentioned can be better learned by attending face to face lecture because you have more chance to learn by observing teachers' work, the ways and attitude they deal with others.

Moreover, we are also influenced gradually by teachers.

Socrates generated the novel philosophy thinking from his teacher, Pluto.

• Socrates got the novel philosophy thinking based on his learning from his teacher, Pluto.
  

King Alexander learned the way to manage a country from Aristotle.

All the celebrities have a teacher who can enlighten their mind and become their guider, partner.

• All the celebrities have a teacher who can enlighten their mind and become their personal tutors.

In this sense, teachers are more than an individual who imparts knowledge.

• In this sense, a teacher is more than a person who imparts knowledge.

From another side, tele-education can only work on the computer.

• On the other hand, with tele-education you can only work on the computer.

For students, sitting a long-time in front of the computer and watching the screen preoccupationally may cause physical hazards, such as eyestrain, wrist and neck pain. 

• For students, sitting a long-time in front of computer and watching
  the screen preoccupationally may cause physical problem, such as
  eyestrain, wrist and neck pain. (they are not harzards yet)
  

Moreover, studying alone, without the company of peers, the child has lost a golden chance to enhance their social skill and they may be hard to be sociable,extroverted and generous in adulthood. 

• Moreover, studying alone with no companion of peers, children may lose a golden chance to enhance their social skills and become uneasy
  to be sociable, extroverted and generous in adulthood. 

What I want to say is that distance-learning and schooling should never be contradictory to each other, they can work mutually. (the two forms of learning can only coexist, they cannot work mutually as they don't have lives)

• My opinion is that distance-learning can be a good way of learning but classroom learning should never be totally replaced.
  

Distance-learning is a complementary path to promote students' academic performance, whereas schooling is the predominate way of studying.

• Distance-learning is a complementary way to enhance students'
  academic performance, whereas schooling is still the irreplaceable education form at the moment, especially for young pupils.

追问

since my answer concerns about the statement is I don't want the tele-education replace the status of formal schooling, therefore for the this question, my answer is no.

追答

You are welcome.
It should be:
I appreciate your help very much.
Good luck with your study.