求大神批改雅思8test4大作文谢谢
An unhealthy diet should be a prevailing cause for the increase in average weight. As a rising number of people prefer fast food to save time for work and study, food lank of nutrition but full of oil and salt is more likely to be chosen. Instead of considering structures of nutrition, fast food will chase an extensive expiration date. Also, because of the development of take-out services, people can order food at even midnight. It causes eating food irregularly and negatively influences their digestive system.
Lack of exercise attributes a lot to unhealthy weight as well. People nowadays are unwilling to exercise after work and school because of the inconvenience and price of going to the gym. The fat in their bodies cannot be consumed and threat their health. Obesity will be caused and usually accompanied by heart and blood diseases.
The efficient methods of losing weight for health should consider two aspects: food and physical exercise. The government should encourage food companies to produce fast food with more vegetables and fruit instead of much oil and salt to balance the diet. Also, the government can require companies to build their gyms for employees to do exercise. The school should include students’ weight in the final grades to push them to become healthier.
In conclusion, increasing average weight and decreasing healthy levels in some countries show the unfitness of lifestyles. The government should take measures to improve people’s health conditions. 展开
您好，
1:1）原文：It is generally believed
that the weight of people strongly connects with levels of health and
fitness.
建议：connects 改成 is connected 或是 is associated 可能更好些；还可以考虑 is reversely proportional to（反向比例）；
改成：It is genenally believed that the weight of people is reversely proportional to their levels of health ad fitness.
1:2）原文：People in proper weight are more likely to be healthy than
those who are not.
建议：healthy 改成 healthier 作为比较；
改成：People in proper weight are more likely to be healthier than those who are not.
1:3）原文：Recently, the average weight of people in some
countries is increasing whereas their levels of health and fitness show
an opposite trend at the same time.
建议：at the same time 改成 simultaneously，因为这个单词是雅思词汇；
改成：Recently the average weight of people in some countries in increasing whereas their levels of health and fitness show the opposite simultaneously.
2:1）原文：An unhealthy diet should be a
prevailing cause for the increase in average weight.
建议：cause 作为名词通常用为（直接导致的原因）而 reason 作为名词，尽管也是（原因）但通常表示（间接导致的原因）。unhealthy diet 直接导致 increase in average weight 可能无法证明，但肯定是其中的一个间接原因，可以考虑改成 reason。
2:2）原文：As a rising number
of people prefer fast food to save time for work and study, food lank of
nutrition but full of oil and salt is more likely to be chosen. Instead
of considering structures of nutrition, fast food will chase an
extensive expiration date.
建议：这里的 lank 应该是 lack，但会导致谓语动词和后面的 is 起冲突，作为名词又无法作为修饰词；structures of nutrition 可以考虑 balancing of nutrition；fast food will chase an extensive expiration date 不是很明白意思？
改成：As a rising number of people prefer to budget time for work and study, fast food lacking beneficial nutrition but full of oil and salt is more likely to be chosen.
2:3）原文：Also, because of the development of take-out
services, people can order food at even midnight.
建议：Also 可以考虑 What's worse；at even midnight 应该是 even at midnight；
改成：What's worse, because of the rapid development of take-out services, people can order food whenever they want, even at midnight hours. (这里添加了一个让步，midnight hours 的时间更长些。
2:4）原文：It causes eating food
irregularly and negatively influences their digestive system.
建议：it 改成 this；
改成：Regularly consuming food at odd hours will negatively impact their physical health, causing indigestive issues.
2:5）原文：Lack of
exercise attributes a lot to unhealthy weight as well.
改成：The lack of regular exercises further attributes to unhealthy weight as well.
2:6）原文：People nowadays
are unwilling to exercise after work and school because of the
inconvenience and price of going to the gym.
建议：unwilling 改成 hesitant；price 改成 cost，price 指的价格，但 cost 指的是成本，不仅仅是金钱成本，还有时间成本，交通成本等等。
改成：People nowadays are hesitant to exercise after work and school due to the inconvenience and the costs involved in going to the gym.
2:7）原文：The fat in their bodies
cannot be consumed and threat their health. Obesity will be caused and
usually accompanied by heart and blood diseases.
建议：fat 需要分清楚，身体需要 essential fat，不需要 storage fat；还需要区分 saturated fat, trans fat 和 unsaturated fat，哪一种是好的，哪一种是不好的；仅仅用 fat 会导致语义不清楚。这也就要求答题者对于这些专有名词也需要知道了。threat 是名词，这里需要动词的 threaten。
改成：
Bad eating and snacking habit will cause an inbalance in dietary fat intake, especially when saturated and trans fat are not burnt out by regular exercises, thus threatening their health. As a result, obesity, accompanied by cardiovascular related diseases, occurs.
3:1）原文：The efficient
methods of losing weight for health should consider two aspects: food
and physical exercise.
建议：不需要定冠词 the；考虑使用同位语；
改成：Two aspects, food and physical exercise, can be considered as efficient methods of losing weight for a healthier lifestyle.
3:2）原文：The government should encourage food companies to
produce fast food with more vegetables and fruit instead of much oil
and salt to balance the diet.
没问题。
3:3）原文：Also, the government can require companies
to build their gyms for employees to do exercise.
建议：their gyms for employees 改成 gyms for their employees.
改成：Furthermore, the government can require companies to build gyms for their employees to do exercise.
3:4）原文：The school should
include students' weight in the final grades to push them to become
healthier.
没问题。
3:5）原文：In conclusion, increasing average weight and decreasing
healthy levels in some countries show the unfitness of lifestyles. The
government should take measures to improve people's health conditions.
建议：increasing 和 decreasing 应该使用名词性，而不是动名词词组，因为想表达的是（平均体重的上升和健康程度的下降）而不是）（上升的平均体重和下降的健康程度），形容词和名词的使用会导致着重点的变化；
改成：In conclusion, the increase in average weight and decrease in healthy levels in some countries show the unfitness of lifestyles. The government should take measures to improve people's health conditions.
整篇文章写的不错，尤其是头半段，直截了当的说明了缘由；举出的例子足够说明主题的问题。文章可能最大的争议性在于后半段，尤其是最后的2段。主要原因在于体重的上升和健康程度的下降从开头的几段说明了是老百姓的选择，吃饭不定时，不做运动，找理由；而文章给出的解决方案几乎把责任都推给了政府了，而不是纠正老百姓的不健康的行为，感觉有点下药不对症。个人觉得政府有义务帮助老百姓建立起健康的体系，但最终还是老百姓说了算，也需要提出1到2点关于老百姓应该做些什么，比如尽量避免9点过后吃饭，早午晚餐的搭配；运动类型等等。不过这仅仅是个人的看法，仅供您参考。
