Question

托福TPO17独立写作求批改

When it approaches to the advertisements ofproducts, different individuals will render divergent responses to the issuefrom their own characters, emotional concerns and educational backgrounds. Somecontend that the products are just as good as they look on the advertisements,while others stand on the opposite ground. However, I, personally, side withview that manufacturers use fancy advertisement to make products look nicerthan fact on account of the following reasons and examples.

First and foremost, manufacturers want tomake more profits by using fancy advertisements. To be more specific, in theday and age, for the producers need to compete with others and appeal toconsumers in this fierce world, they package the stuff with exaggerated advertisements;accordingly, producers adopt this kind of strategy and use it more and morefrequent. According to a recent survey conducted by a local newspaper agency,approximately 84 percent of the manufacturers use fancy pictures to exaggeratethe character of the products and roughly 31 percent of the producers deceivecustomers with unauthentic depiction. An example that aptly illustrates thispoint is from my friend Elizabeth, who is employed by a TV news channel as areporter. She once makes an interview with a food producer, who admitted thatthey always use some attention-getters to attract consumers’ attention, butusually these pictures do nothing with the food itself. Therefore, exaggeratedadvertisements are the fastest way to make profits.
Further more, if producers put the realsamples on the advertisements, people may not buy them. Since the competitionin modern society is increasingly fierce, there is a growing tendency formanufacturers to modify their products in order to attract customers and get moremarket shares. It can be clearly noticed from the latest statistics released bya local governmental department after polling thousands of college studentsthat about 73 percent of producers use unmatchable pictures or slogans becausethey are not confident about the stuff what they look like, they think they won’tattract consumers by their appearance but their taste or comfort; hence, theyput some modified pictures or memorable slogans. For example, when I hear asentence “ I’m lovin’ it! “ , I will suddenly think it must be McDonalds, oronce I see “Just do it! ” , it comes to my mind ”Hmm, it must be NIKE.” As I haveheard or seen them for times, they leave deep impressions on my heart.
Considering all the reasons and examplesmentioned above, we may safely come to the conclusion that manufacturers useunmatchable items to modify their products. It is strongly recommended thatmore off laws should be carried out to protect consumers from some totally fakeadvertisements. Only through doing this can we have a more promising, moreproductive and more prosperous future.

Answer 1

我托福作文29分 我不敢保证我给你的意见有多么好 但是这也是我的一点看法

1. 可能是因为我自己的水平不够，前面那个When it approaches to 这种说法最好不要用（如果你老师说可以就不要用），推荐老老实实用When it comes to

2. 有一点模板痕迹，也最好不要出现“I”这种词，写作有点僵硬（就是套路性太强）

3. 要注意语法错误，不过不是很多，主意修饰动词的要是副词而不是形容词（比如说你第二段的useit more and more frequent，要改成frequently）。

4. 我知道很多老师都会说托福作文用一些数据就和能说事，其实这是很古老的观点了，我推荐你不要用数字，因为改托福的老师都知道现在学生乱编几个数字都当example了，这样会显得很假，还不如直接用个人例子。其实更多的细节比那些数字要好得多，比如说你第二段那个朋友的例子，你说....they always use some attention-getters to attract consumers’ attention, but usually these pictures do nothing with the food itself.后面就直接一个Therefore总结了。我个人认为这里有点突兀，最好多写具体在那些方面广告有夸张作用，事物分量看起来更大？蔬菜看起来更新鲜？

5. 另外，我感觉你的两个观点有点相似，都说到了fierce world这个事，也就是说终归就是因为竞争压力大所以food要变得attractive，对吗？在我看来那这其实是一个观点。

6. 结尾不错，还是模板痕迹太大。我写作从来不用模板局，现写现卖，这样写的比较自然，比较灵活。

7. 还是要说一下你例子的问题，用个人例子是最保守也是最不容易拿高分的用法，你用郭敬明都好，因为老外不知道他而他又是个名人，例子怎么编都行。对我自己而言我还是爱写实例的。

总体来说还是不错，不过你有很大的进步空间，用词总体还是很得体很合适的，若有问题欢迎追问！加油啦~~