Question

雅思作文高手进，帮我改下作文，大家不要客气，也不要怕伤我自尊

下面是剑桥雅思5的test1本人写的作文，大家帮我看下，多提意见
The graph compares the proportion of population aged 65 and over in three different countries from 1940 to 2040. It is obvious that, by the year 2040, the proportion of aged population will take up a quarter of the whole population of the three countries.
In the year 1940, the proportion of people aged 65 and over is not too high, by 5% in Japan, 7% in Sweden and 9% in the USA. Later, the figures are different among the three. Sweden and the USA got a steady rise till now, and are expected to grow to about 25% in the next 3 decades. However, the proportion in Japan is much different, with a slightly drop to 3% in about 1985, then it climbed to 5% again by now. In the next 30 years, the proportion is estimated to boom to 27%, even higher than Sweden and the USA.
In conclusion, the graph shows the proportion of population aged 65 and over in the three countries, and it is low in 1940, but will all rise to around 25% by 2040.

Many people argue that whether male and female should be equally accepted by universities in every subject. This discussion will provide a new view of this question. It is obvious that man and woman are equal in their rights. However, when things come to acceptance in universities in every subject, I think it is not so good to accept male and female equally in every subject.
Male and female are different in physical and mental, which makes the acceptance different for male and female. For example, there are many subjects requiring long time of hard work and concentration such as aeronautics. The physical difference makes women difficult to do it well. But when the subject requires patience and carefulness, women are more superior to men. I believe that different acceptance in different subject will be a good choice, by which more males are encouraged to the subjects requiring long time of hard work and concentration and more females are encouraged to the subjects that need patience and carefulness. In this way, both males and females can make more contributions to the world, and easier to realize their social value. Also, to those who really have a gift to a subject but he/she is not the so called sex, we offer a chance but a relatively higher requirement.
To sum up, male and female are different, so are different subjects. In this case, there should be different requirement for male and female in different subjects. Consequently, both male and female can better realize their value and the whole society will enjoy a better development.

Answer 1

真得很好啊~~~~
第一篇：1.词语准确，没有大的语法错误
2.词汇多样
3.观点客观~~

这篇应该有6.5-7

第二篇：1.观点不错.详细
2.用词准确
3.你整篇只分了三段，一般来说，雅思作文最少有4段，你写大牛作文的话还会有更多段。这篇内容，少了让步段，就是还要阐述一下反方的观点，和他的不足之处，这样的话就完美拉~~

这篇文章，由考官心情决定咯，如果看腻了别人的作文，而你的作文又好，会给6.5-7，如果特别强调结构那种可能就5.5~~6...

~~~继续努力拉~~真得很不错哦~~