Question

求英文长笑话，或者英文幽默短文，可以读4到5分钟左右

内容要适合在课堂上朗读，4到5分钟左右，最好词汇难度中等。
如果没有现成的文章也可以告诉我一个此类比较好的网站
谢谢！

Answer 1

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

Answer 2

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”

The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese”.

“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”

Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”

The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”

( This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain )

Via/link

中文翻译:

一天半夜，有个中国人走进美国的一家酒吧，碰到了大导演史提文·斯皮尔伯格（Steven Spielberg）。

这个中国人正好是斯皮尔伯格的铁杆影迷，于是冲上前去，请求斯皮尔伯格给他留个签名。

可他万万没有想到，斯皮尔伯格竟给了他一耳光，骂道：“你们中国人轰炸了我们珍珠港，快给我滚开！”

中国人感到很震惊，回答说：“轰炸你们珍珠港的可不是中国人啊，那是日本人干的！”

斯皮尔伯格答曰：“什么中国人（Chinese）、日本人（Japanese）、台湾人（Taiwanese），你们这些叫做‘你死’（-nese）的人都一个鸟样！”

中国人一听火了，也狠狠地回敬斯皮尔伯格一个大耳光，说：“你把铁达尼号给弄沉到海里去了，我的祖先当年就在那条船上！”

这下子轮到斯皮尔伯格震惊了，他辩解说：“是冰山把那条船撞沉的呀，怎么是我呢？！”

中国人回答说：“什么爱死八格 (iceberg)、死皮尔八格 (Spielberg)、该死八格 (Carlsberg) ，你们这些叫做‘八格’(-berg) 的玩意儿统统一个鸟样！”

Answer 3

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma’s idea."

Answer 4

She Didn"t Say Anything

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.

The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”。

“How do you know?” asked her father.

“She didn"t say anything.”

I Have Turned It Over

A woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It"s too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?”

The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don"t think it"s necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?”

你解释一下，就有时间久够了…

Answer 5

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.