Question

会雅思的大神过来帮我看看这篇大作文，帮我评分，谢谢

Some people think that each kind of crime should have the fixed punishment ,but others argue that we should take account of the environment of the individual crime.Personally I support to integrated the two ideas.
Obviously,each criminal should be punished,however before the criminals being pnished,we should have a discussion about what extent penalization should the offender suffer.If we fix the punishment of each tye of crime and without taking account of the motivation and the environment of crime ,it must will cause the decline of the crime rate，but it is not fair for some criminals,becaus if two people who made criming at the same time and being in the same punishment have different criminal motivations--one of them is the recidivist to steal,the other one crimed firistly to help someone,people would think the law is too beneath the human character.
if we take account of the criminals'motivation and their crime circumstances but have not fixed punishments to warn people to get awary from crime,the law is not useful to keep the peace of society.The pay of crime is much less than the offenders get,
In my oppinion,there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime,and at the same time,the environment of an personal crime and the motiviation for commotting it should be take into account when we decideing on the punishment,

Answer 1

第一段用这个some,others,I support both的写法可以确保你不能突破6。这种句子在看了无数类似作文的考官眼里就是考生在挑战他的智商，无论如何都要摒弃这种句子。后面的段落里小错不断，基本每句都有。雅思作文一句话里有一点错误就算错，所有句子全有小错就是正确率0，不会超过5分。具体的小错太多列不过来，就挑几个说好了，应该是have a discussion about to what extent....should be penalized，你写的那个是不通顺的。还有must will，这真是太可怕了～从你语法来看，文章里很多词都不该是你能驾驭得了的，所以搭配都很奇怪，建议你不要害怕重复，不要勉强自己去用驾驭不了的词，减少出错才重要。

最后，你现在这个阶段想要提升的话一定要自己认真改自己的作文，每一个搭配都要去词典找，这样能最快速度提升语感积累搭配

Answer 2

不错，主题加个会更好