Question

求雅思作文批改！！！！

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in Japan, Sweden and USA.
As we can see that the proportion of population aged 65 and over in Japan, Sweden and USA is increasing from 5% to almost 27%, from 6% to approximately 26% and from 9% to 23% respectively, which reveals that in 2040 there will be more elderly people in Japan than in Swede and USA, although that the proportion of population aged 65 and over in Japan is always under Sweden and UAS till 2032.
What to mention is that from 1940 to 1960 the proportion of population aged 65 and over in Japan declined and then it started to climb slowly to 10% in 2030. However, there will be a dramatic increase from 2030 to about 2032. The proportion of population aged 65 and over also declined from 1982 to 1996 and from 2012 to 2028 in USA and Sweden.
In conclusion it can be predicted that there will be a strong trend that increasingly numerous elderly people will live in the world.

Answer 1

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and above between 1940 and 2040 in Japan, Sweden and USA.
As we can see， the percentages of population aged 65 and above in Japan, Sweden and USA are all higher in 2040 compared to (第一个年份），which clearly indicates that there will be a nett increase of elderly people in future in all three countries.This suggests that the quality of life in these countries are higher in future. In 2040, Japan with almost 27% of its citizens older than 65 year's old will have more elderly people than Sweden and USA even though the proportion of population aged 65 and above in Japan is always under Sweden and USA until 2032.
A point to be mention is that from 1940 to 1960 the proportion of population aged 65 and over in Japan declined and then it started to climb slowly to 10% in 2030. However, there will be a dramatic increase from 2030 to about 2032. The proportion of population aged 65 and over also declined from 1982 to 1996 and from 2012 to 2028 in USA and Sweden.
In conclusion it can be predicted that there will be a strong trend that increasingly numerous elderly people will live in the world.
没有图很难做改正。不过其实你可以不必每个数据都写出来，很浪费字数的。尝试把他们组起来先。
A point to be mention is that from 1940 to 1960 the proportion of population aged 65 and over in Japan declined and then it started to climb slowly to 10% in 2030. However, there will be a dramatic increase from 2030 to about 2032. The proportion of population aged 65 and over also declined from 1982 to 1996 and from 2012 to 2028 in USA and Sweden。
这段我实在不懂该怎么改，因为没有图。不过读起来挺乱的，没有承前启后的感觉。希望有帮到你一点。