求数条英语短笑话!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!谢谢谢谢!!!
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JOKE 1
Wife talking to her husband (who reads newspaper all day): I wish I were a newspaper so I'll be in your hands all day.
Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily
JOKE 2
A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
The father replied: I don 't know son. I 'm still paying!!
JOKE 3
At midnight father saw that his married son leaving home... He asks him: what are you doing?
The son replied: Dad I am fed up with my life! My newly marriage is not going well, my wife and my mom keep fighting with each other! I have to pay bills for my in-laws, and I hate this life!!! I want to go far from here, I want to taste every joy of life, and I want to have every fun of life!!!
Father said: Wait!!!!!!!! I am coming with you
JOKE 4
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answered: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughed and said: An English girl!!!
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picked her up in the airport and asked: So honey, how was the trip?
The wife: Very good, thank you.
The husband: And, what happened to my present?
The wife: Which present?
The husband: What I asked for: the English girl?
The wife: Oh, that! Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait a few months to see if it’s a girl!!!
JOKE 5
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn 't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for? " The husband replies, "autumn. "
JOKE 6
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks(打) him on the head with a frying pan. "What the hell was that for? " he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it, " she replies. Don 't be silly, " he says. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races(赛马), Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on. " She seems satisfied at this, and she apologizes. Three days later he 's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails(打，俚语) him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he asks again, "What the hell was that for? " "Your fucking horse just phoned. "
JOKE 7
Wife to husband: you were so drunk last night that you insulted your boss.
Husband: piss on him! Wife: you did and he fired you!
Husband: fuck him!
Wife: I did and you can go back to work tomorrow.
JOKE 8
A couple drove several miles down a country road with intense silence. Not a word was said to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of mules(骡子) and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours? " "Yep, " the husband replied, "in-laws ".
Wife talking to her husband (who reads newspaper all day): I wish I were a newspaper so I'll be in your hands all day.
Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily
JOKE 2
A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
The father replied: I don 't know son. I 'm still paying!!
JOKE 3
At midnight father saw that his married son leaving home... He asks him: what are you doing?
The son replied: Dad I am fed up with my life! My newly marriage is not going well, my wife and my mom keep fighting with each other! I have to pay bills for my in-laws, and I hate this life!!! I want to go far from here, I want to taste every joy of life, and I want to have every fun of life!!!
Father said: Wait!!!!!!!! I am coming with you
JOKE 4
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answered: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughed and said: An English girl!!!
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picked her up in the airport and asked: So honey, how was the trip?
The wife: Very good, thank you.
The husband: And, what happened to my present?
The wife: Which present?
The husband: What I asked for: the English girl?
The wife: Oh, that! Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait a few months to see if it’s a girl!!!
JOKE 5
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn 't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for? " The husband replies, "autumn. "
JOKE 6
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks(打) him on the head with a frying pan. "What the hell was that for? " he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it, " she replies. Don 't be silly, " he says. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races(赛马), Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on. " She seems satisfied at this, and she apologizes. Three days later he 's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails(打，俚语) him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he asks again, "What the hell was that for? " "Your fucking horse just phoned. "
JOKE 7
Wife to husband: you were so drunk last night that you insulted your boss.
Husband: piss on him! Wife: you did and he fired you!
Husband: fuck him!
Wife: I did and you can go back to work tomorrow.
JOKE 8
A couple drove several miles down a country road with intense silence. Not a word was said to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of mules(骡子) and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours? " "Yep, " the husband replied, "in-laws ".
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一：She Didn"t Say Anything
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”。
“How do you know?” asked her father.
“闹饥She didn"t say anything.”
二：I Have Turned It Over
A woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It"s too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?”
The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don"t think it"s necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?”
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老竖睁师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的余弯岁拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”。
“How do you know?” asked her father.
“闹饥She didn"t say anything.”
二：I Have Turned It Over
A woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It"s too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?”
The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don"t think it"s necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?”
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老竖睁师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的余弯岁拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
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One should love anim als. They are so tasty.
每个人都应该热爱动物,因为它们很好吃。
Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.
要节约用水,尽量和女友一起洗澡。
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
每个成功男人的背后,都有一个女人；或余每个不成功男人的背后,都有两个。
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
成功是一个相关名词,他会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚吵颂。
Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
爱情就像照片,需要大量的暗房时间来培养。
Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.
后排座位上的小孩会发生意外,后排座位上的意外会生出小孩。
Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep.
“现在的梦想决定着你的将来,”所以还是再睡一会吧。
Hard work never killed anybody. But why take the risk"
“努力工作不会导致死亡！”不过我不会用自己去证明。
God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
上帝决定了谁是你的亲戚,幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给你留了余地。
The more you learn,the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn？
学的越多,知道的越多；知道的越多,忘记的越多；忘记的越多,知道的越少,为什么学来着？
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
不要等明天交不上差再找借口，今天就要找好。
"Work fascinates me." I can look at it for hours! "
“工作好有意思耶！”尤其升团郑是看着别人工作
Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
钞票不是万能的，有时还需要信用卡。
Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.
要用心去爱你的邻居，不过不要让她的老公知道。
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚，幸福不是永久的嘛。
The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.
聪明人都是未婚的，结婚的人很难再聪明起来。
每个人都应该热爱动物,因为它们很好吃。
Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.
要节约用水,尽量和女友一起洗澡。
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
每个成功男人的背后,都有一个女人；或余每个不成功男人的背后,都有两个。
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
成功是一个相关名词,他会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚吵颂。
Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
爱情就像照片,需要大量的暗房时间来培养。
Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.
后排座位上的小孩会发生意外,后排座位上的意外会生出小孩。
Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep.
“现在的梦想决定着你的将来,”所以还是再睡一会吧。
Hard work never killed anybody. But why take the risk"
“努力工作不会导致死亡！”不过我不会用自己去证明。
God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
上帝决定了谁是你的亲戚,幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给你留了余地。
The more you learn,the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn？
学的越多,知道的越多；知道的越多,忘记的越多；忘记的越多,知道的越少,为什么学来着？
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
不要等明天交不上差再找借口，今天就要找好。
"Work fascinates me." I can look at it for hours! "
“工作好有意思耶！”尤其升团郑是看着别人工作
Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
钞票不是万能的，有时还需要信用卡。
Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.
要用心去爱你的邻居，不过不要让她的老公知道。
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚，幸福不是永久的嘛。
The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.
聪明人都是未婚的，结婚的人很难再聪明起来。
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拿破仑的一句话"i was able before i saw elba"弊明局 "before"一词前后刚好反过槐掘来；
i saw a saw saw a saw.意思是”我看见锯锯了一下租让”
i saw a saw saw a saw.意思是”我看见锯锯了一下租让”
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