求大神批改雅思5 test4大作文，谢谢
Firstly, people have little realization about how to be a person with the proper opinions and ethics. All of the awareness should be built during the process of communicating with the world. Especially the effects of families are most significant through the process of growth. The behavior and education from parents will be remembered and imitated. When people begin to study in school, more social activities will affect their personalities on both positive and negative sides and the situation may continue until their personalities be built completely.
Secondly, sometimes the personalities can be changed totally because of an experience in our life if it is meaningful or terrible. It is undeniable that an experience can be a turning point for a person, such as an exciting adventure or a miserable memory. All of these may rebuild the personalities of people and influence their development in the future.
However, it is undeniable that the characteristics may also be important, however it can be restructured by the environment at the most time, and that is the reason why the education is extremely important.
In conclusion, because of the reasons above, I tend to favor the later view. 展开
您好，这一篇文章写的可以，除了一些选词（同义词用的较少）和语法结构的小问题，再来就是有几个点重复了几次，有点换汤不换药的感觉。
As far as I concerned,
experiences we may have in our life will have much more influence. The
essay will explain two main point of view and demonstrate two reasons
why I agree that experiences play more important roles in development
and generating the personalities.
改写：As far as I am concerned, experiences we have in our life will have much more impact. This essary will explain two main points of view and demonstrate two reasons why I agree with the belief that experiences play a more important role in the mental development and the forming of personality in a person.
Firstly, people have
little realization about how to be a person with the proper opinions and
ethics. All of the awareness should be built during the process of
communicating with the world. Especially the effects of families are
most significant through the process of growth. The behavior and
education from parents will be remembered and imitated. When people
begin to study in school, more social activities will affect their
personalities on both positive and negative sides and the situation may
continue until their personalities be built completely.
改写：Firstly, people have little or no realization about how one's personality is formed from proper opinions and ethics. Self-awareness should be built upon the process of communicating with the world, espeically the close interactions of family members being the most significant throughout the personal growth process. The behaviour and ways of doing things from parents are usually retained and iminated. When people begin to study in school, social activities will further affect their personalities both affirmatively and negatively, and the situation may continue until their personalities mature completely.
第一句和第二句不是看的很懂，不确定改写是否保留了原意。把原来较为啰嗦词组压缩成了状语。
Secondly, sometimes the
personalities can be changed totally because of an experience in our
life if it is meaningful or terrible. It is undeniable that an
experience can be a turning point for a person, such as an exciting
adventure or a miserable memory. All of these may rebuild the
personalities of people and influence their development in the future.
这里的一些词用了多次，需要改用近义词。
改写：Secondly, personalities can sometimes be changed unconsciously by a purposeful or frightening experience in our life. It is undeniable that a retention of an experience, such as an exciting adventure or a miserable encounter, can be a turning juncture to a person. All of these may alter the personalities of people and bear upon their development in the future.
However, it is undeniable
that the characteristics may also be important, however it can be
restructured by the environment at the most time, and that is the reason
why the education is extremely important.
In conclusion, because of the reasons above, I tend to favor the later view.
这里的 however 在同一句用了两次，转折再转折感觉有点奇怪，undeniable 用了第二次；education 第二次用到，第一次是父母亲的 education，但看不到和这个的关联。important 同一个段落用了2次。However 感觉推翻了前面的第一点和第二点，用的不恰当，应该改用让步较好，（尽管……）好过（虽然……）。
改写：Although it is indisputable that the characteristics we are born with may also be important, the environment we are in and the people we grow up with will inevitably have a much more pronounced impression on us, especially during the K12 education period. In conclusion, with the aforementioned reasons, I tend to favour the later view that the experiences we have in our life weighs more on our personality building process.
您的结束段落比较薄弱，没有适当的总结中间的两个段落，然后再重述一遍您开头的观点。再来就是雅思词汇不是很到位，可以算作是雅思词汇的可能就5个。希望这个重写可以帮到您。
感谢您的鼓励，批改得太好了！！！我会继续努力的！大神！
