Question

帮忙批改一下雅思作文

Top:The range of technology available for individuals will increase the gap of rich and poor. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Today,technology is widely used in people's life,and it benefit the whole human being,no matter rich or poor.

While,some people would doubt that the range of technology available for personal will widen the gap between wealthy and poverty.They believe that if the rich use private teachnology which the poor can not afford to buy,then they will gain time for going to make more money,rather than waste time on daily rountines,because private teachnology can help the rich solve them.Of course they are right,and as access to the opportunity of making money is becaming more competitive,then it is true that people have to use technology when they are working.

However,personal technology can not replaced people to make money,which could only give us some help.For example,if the poor make effective and efficient use of Internet,then it will give an advantage in term of achieving useful information.On the other hand,if the poor can not buy anything about personal technology,they could study hard instead.It is important to realized that personal technology can not make money,it is juse a tool.How much money we make depends on ourselves.

So overall,I believe that the range of technology available for individuals affect little about the increase of rich and poor.

这些都是我一个个打出来的，希望高手帮帮忙。
语法有没有问题？分数大概可以多少？还有什么逻辑不对和可以修改的地方？

Answer 1

说说错误：the gap of rich and poor 应用between.
and it benefit the whole human being，第三人称。
between wealthy and poverty.你想说贫富差距应该是富人穷人的差距，那么用between the wealthy and poor. the+adj表一类人。
can not replaced people .不用过去式，而且这句话很怪，

which could only give us some help你想表达的是否定意义，应改为：limited help.
efficient use of Internet. 因特网+the.
It is important to realized 不过去式、
range of technology available for individuals affect little affect第三人称。

还算流畅，但没什么高级词汇。满分100的话给75把。