Question

帮忙批改一下雅思作文

Topic:Nowadays people live in the society where consumer goods are relatively cheaper to buy. Do you think its advantages outweigh its disadvantages? 

In the many parts of the world,articles are very expensive for people to buy in the past.However,because it is more likely now that high-technology produce these articles easier,supply and demand keep on reduce,so consumer goods becoming cheaper than before.

While some people think this may be damaging to business circle,the low price increase the competitive of companies,they have no choice but to reduce the staff or cut down aggregate investment to ensure their profits,some companies even use inferior materials and turn out substandard products to make an improper profit,in fact there are many advantages to reduce the expense for articles.

One explanation might be that the lower price enable most of people to use these goods and enjoy the happiness them brought to people.For instance,computer now is popular with thousands of families,but in the middle of 19th century,it is only can be used by the person who is super rich.People can sit in front of computer surfing the Internet and chatting with friend whatever where they are rather than helplessly watching the rich.

Another advantage of decreasing the cost of merchandises is that in terms of the salesman,cut down the profit margin in order to sell more.In particular,if they sell at a discount,then more people will come to buy,it will not only raise the quantity of sale but also in favor of reduce stocks.In the context of the financial crisis,this point is becoming especially important.

So overall,I believe that both the consumer and the producer will profit from cheaper prices of consumer goods.

语法错误？逻辑不通？怎么改进？

Answer 1

有点跑题。问的是优缺点，你最后的总结没有表明你的观点，即是有点大于缺点还是缺点大于有点。

第二三段主题句不突出。要在首句就亮出你这段要说的观点。例如第二段，说的是认为便宜不好，那么主题句就要说some people think disadvantages of low price are obvious.然后你文中写的可作为论据，支持你本段的主题句。

总的感官是，都是支持句，主题句不明显。而这在雅思考试中是吃亏的。老外对写作的要求其实很简单：一、逻辑清楚。主题句、支持句清楚。
二、意思表达清楚，他不用费劲就知道你要说的什么意思。这点非常非常重要。因为，即使单词量再丰富、句式再多变，但是让老外搞不到你要说什么，就是白搭。这是我出来后，老师对写作的主要要求，包括你日后写essay，都要遵循这2点。