Question

Gre argument 求高手点评

下面是题目和我写的文章，求各路高手指点
Hospital statistics regarding people who go to the emergency room after rollerskating accidents indicate the need for more protective equipment. Within this group of people, 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots were not wearing any protective clothing (helmets,knee pads,etc.) or any light-reflecting material (clip-on lights,glow-in-dark wrist pads,etc.). Clearly, these statistics indicate that by investing in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment, rollerskaters will greatly reduce their risk of being severely injured in an accident.

    The author's argument of roller skaters have to wear protective equipment to reduce the risk of injured in an accident seems to make sense. But it yet have some leaks. The hospital statistics that the author quoted only contains partly factor of rollerskating accident.

    First, the author says that 75 percents of  roller skaters had accidents with no protective equipment. But he is not consider the skill level of those skaters. Apparently, this skill level vary from person to person ,furthermore, a senior skater has less possible had accident than a junior skater. This factor should be considered.
    
    Second, the author just involves two places, streets and parking lots, this is not enough to illustrate all situation. The roller skaters not only play in these two places, they can play in more places such as squares, indoor the rink etc. Every individual place has different dangerous level. So this hospital's statistic is incomplete, it just contains two of those places. It is can not use the part data to estimate the overall situation.

    Last, the author has not consider the goal of the individual skaters. Does he skate only for relax or want to compete with others? This is also important. The skaters who play just for fun will choose the more safe place than the people for competition. So these people should has less possible to have accidents. To get more accurate result , these two groups of peopler should regard separately.

    In conclusion, although the author provided the hospital statistic in his argument, but the statistic itself also has leaks, so this statistic is insufficiently  to support his argument and thus the author just consider of the partly factor. It could not to use the part to express the overall. There are serval additional factor should be considered such as the safety of different places, the age range of the roller-skaters, etc. However, this argument has none of them.                             

Answer 1

1、第一段第二排，医院的数据资料应该是被看做一个整体来说的，indicates.
2、你的rollerskater有是连着的（第一段最后行），有的是分开的（第二段第一行）
3、第二段第一句，你是要用of 引导argument 的同位语吗？我觉得有点儿怪怪的感觉。
4、第二段第二行，it yet has 吧？副词貌似不能修饰名词，所以，第二段最后一行，partly factor，个人觉得part 好些，另外factor的话也是众多因素的一部分，好像都是复数哦~~所以，how about "part factors"?
5、第三段first那段，apparently后面，this level vary from....单复数问题哈。比较小的机会，have 怎么跟了形容词。。。。这个，应该是possibility的说。对了，予以考虑应该使用take into consideration 这个短语哦，considered有一点单调，呵呵，但是我也不能说它是错的。
6、第四段second，室内溜冰场是吧？呵呵，肯定是你不小心，那个the位置是不是放错了？etc前面要不要加个“，”。。。
7、second那段，Every individual ，重复了，只要前面个就ok拉。
8、紧接前面，低级错误一个——it is can.....另外，it just contains 前面的符号应该是句号哦~~
9、last那一段，goal换成purpose吧，sense差异太大了。
10、 Does he skate only for relax or want to compete with others?这句话，严重语法错误，两个动词。。。前面有个skate，你想表示skate for sth.，也就是说，后面表示目的，want就不能跟skate并列，所以or后面建议换成“for competing”。
11、safe的比较级是safer。。。不是more safe。。。
12、相同问题，these people should have。。
13、紧接着上面的，“这些人”的指代有问题，另外，被区别考虑，应该是“should be regarded 。。。”
14、最后一段有很多小问题，statistic的单复数最好统一，rollskater 的单复数、格式请统一；已经提到的partly factor；just consider 应该是过去式；既然前面是there are 那么后面应该是factors。
okay，以上。
吾非高手，水平不高，若有不当之处，包涵哈。。。。O(∩_∩)O。。。。

Answer 2

看了你的作文才知道为什么我的作文会得那么低的分。。。

Answer 3

我想说LZ为什么不发到太傻上拍砖呢？或者加入作文互评小组什么的。
找别人改作文都是浮云。最好按时间写完后，自己先找找错误。
给LZ个建议，去太傻或者寄托上找找模板，自己加工出来一份自己的模板，背一背，会好得多~