Question

跪求改雅思作文

雅思task2题目：Creative artists should always be given the freedom to express their own ideas (in words, pictures, music or film) in whichever way they wish. There should be no government restrictions on what they do.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

正文：
In recent years, there is a highly debate towards the speech freedom of creative artists. Some people maintain that they should be able to express whatever they think without restrictions. Others, on the other hand, claim that governments need to set censorships to these opinions. Personally, I would side with the latter view.

Of course, creative thinking of artists has many advantages. The first one is that, through positive creation, artists’ minds will not be tripped in a small area. Not only could they meditate on and pursue deeper meaning of their lives, but they would also benefit the public by fascinating their imagination and encouraging them to be inventive. Furthermore, artists’ active thinking will arouse their potential talents. Therefore, they tend to provide more original work which will enrich our leisure time.

However, on the other hand, it is not always a good thing to give too much freedom to artists, and my reasons are as bellow. Firstly, as we can see from the past, artists are much more openness than ordinary persons. In other words, they are likely to regard many immoral things, say, obscene behaviors, violence, crimes, fights, etc. as natural phenomenon. However these unhealthy opinions will do harm to the growth of our kids. Secondly, the words of famous artists are exercising a strong influence on ordinary people. By this I mean that, because of mass media, individuals tend to give much more considerations to art personalities’ views. They are more likely to believe what famous artists told them rather than trying to think critically and independently. Also, those who can distinguish right from wrong are just a definite minority. As a consequence, they will be more exposed to many indecent lifestyles.

For the reasons I give above, I believe it will be of great importance for governments to engage in checking artists’ ideas. It will not only help creating a decent environment for our children, but also lead artists to produce their work in the right direction.
我已经没有分给大家了 非常抱歉 5555555555

有大侠能帮忙改一下吗？

万分感激~~~~~~~~~~~

这篇文章能拿多少分呢？

我的目标是6分~~怎么才能达到呢 Thx a lottttttttt~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer 1

首先，我觉得你的文章有一个最大的毛病，就是你没搞清楚题材。既然你的观点已经很明确（在introduction里面），你说To my mind, I think this view ill-founded，那么为什么你在后面的文章里，两种观点都赞同？这个是自己矛盾的。你必须你的论据和分论点都要support你的总论点。

再者，你中间少了一段，这个是一个Argument essay，所以body paragraph，也就是你的理由至少有三个，但是你文章里面只有两个。

第二，你的从句太少，从你第二段就可以看出，简单的陈述句太多，但是很好的是你很注意staging devices的应用，也就是像more over之类的连词，这样很有层次感，但是句子太过简单。

第三，你的观点很多都是贴标签一样贴上去的，么有解释为什么

比如说你的introduction里面，Some people believe that new buildings should be built in traditional styles。 但是既然有人这么想，为什么要这么想你却没有写出来。

还有你第一个观点段落里面的第一句It is evident that new buildings in cities and towns should be built in modern styles. 里面的evident用得太绝对，这样的文章很有漏洞的。

最后，你的文章里有小地方需要改，比如你第一段里面的：to be built to replace the old buildings which not to adapt to our society 里面的the old buildings要改成the old ones，不然是重复。

PS：文章的流畅和口语的流利有关，从文章看出，楼主的口语似乎也应该。。。
回答者： r_sean

追问

你改的都不是我这篇~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NND~~~~~~~~~从哪里复制来的东西让我看那么久！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！BS你！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

Answer 2

跪求改雅思作文

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望采纳为最佳答案。
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