谁知道双人的英语笑话啊 不要太长 知道的快啊~~~~急用 5
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A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
一个男人走进一位非常著名的精神病医生Von Bernuth的办公室，坐下来向医生解释自己的问题。
“医生，医生！”他开始发话。
“没有必要重复你的话，先生。”医生回答，“一句‘医生’就可以了。”
“好，您看，我的问题就在这。”那人继续说，“我总是有一种幻觉，觉得自己是条狗，是条巨大的、白色的毛的比利牛斯山脉犬。这很疯狂，我不知道该怎么办！”
“这是很普通的犬综合症。”医生平静地回答，“过来，趴到沙发上。”
“不，医生。我不被允许爬到家具上
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
布朗夫人：哦，
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
又遇见那只大狗了吧？
我家附近有一条比较深的胡同，是我每天回家的必经之路。前天下班回家，拐进胡同走到一半，忽然闯出一个白乎乎的东西，由于光线较暗，吓了我一跳。仔细一看，原来是条小狗。它耀武扬威地向我奔来，看它还没我家那只老猫大，我放下心来。可小狗似乎并不满意这个结果，竟狂吠着想来咬我。我一乐，嗬！就你那小样也想来咬我？ 我吓也要吓死你！便也冲着它狠狠地嚎了两下：“汪！汪！”小狗立马顿住脚，盯着我看了一下，忽地转身跑远了。
我正得意，却听见胡同那头传来一个老太太的声音：“叫你好好在家门口玩儿，你不听，又遇见那只大狗了吧？”
小狗驾驶
车祸！司机昏迷，唯有宠物狗无恙。交警问狗：出事前你主人在干嘛？小狗做喝水状，摇摇晃晃。交警：噢！在喝酒。那你在干嘛？小狗端坐，双手做驾驶动作。
你不咬人吧？
一位妇人带她的狗去理发。当被告知要40美元时，她十分震惊。“我理发也只要9美元！”她轻蔑地说。“但你不咬人吧？”理发师很快地回答。
训狗
A: 我想训我的狗，让它想吃东西时就叫。
B：这应该是很容易的事嘛！
A：我已经教了它足有100次了。
B：怎么样，它会叫了吗？
A：不叫，但如果我不学狗叫，它就不吃东西。
拿走它进门的钥匙
早晨，两个邻居相遇了。
一个说：“听说，昨晚你妻子大吵大闹了？”
“是的，她在对狗发脾气。”
“可怜的狗！我好像听到你的妻子甚至威胁要拿走它进门的钥匙！”
狗不懂啊！
有个人被狗咬伤，赶忙到医生那里上药。
医生正收拾东西，准备下班。“看看几点了，怎么这时候才来？”医生满脸不快。
“我是知道的，医生！”那人说，“可是，狗不懂啊！”
谁的狗最聪明
某日，一个医生、一个建筑师和一个律师在一家乡俱乐部吃午饭，他们的话题扯到了各自的狗身上，想比一下谁的狗最聪明。
医生的狗首先开始，它从门外衔来一些骨头在地上摆了一幅人体骨骼图。医生给了它一些饼干作为奖励。
建筑师的狗从外面衔来一些树枝在地上搭了一个艾菲尔铁塔的模型，建筑师也给了他一些饼干作为奖励。
最后，律师的狗出场了，它与医生和建筑师的狗交谈了一番，那两只狗便把饼干都给了它。
律师解释说，他的狗现在是那两只狗的法律顾问了
Compared to just a few decades ago, now is a good time to be a dog in China. With bans on pet ownership gone, and eating habits changing, puppies today
are now more likely to end up on a leash than on a plate.
跟几十年前比起来，现在在中国可是当狗的好时机。随着养宠物的禁令解除，以及饮食习惯的改变，小狗现在的下场很可能是被套上皮带，而不是摆上餐盘。
The result has been a huge increase in dog ownership around the country. For young people, especially in the larger cities, dogs have become a must-have fashion accessory, while older people are turning to dogs for companionship.“He’s like a child to me,”says one Beijing pensioner of the tiny dog she carries with her at all times.“I’d be very lonely without him.”
解禁的结果是全国养狗的人数大增。对年轻人来说，特别是在大城市里，狗已经变成必备的流行配件，而老年人则求助于小狗带来的友谊。“他就像我的小孩一样。”一位靠养老金生活的北京居民说，她随时都带着一只小狗。“没有它我会很寂寞。”
Over 130,000 dogs have been registered in Beijing, but police estimate the total number of dogs kept as pets in the capital is closer to 650,000. The flipside is that dog bites have also reached record numbers, with tens of thousands of incidents reported annually in major cities.
北京有超过13万只已经登记的狗，但是警方估计在首都的宠物狗总数有将近65万。与此相对应的是，狗咬人的事件也破了纪录，在主要城市每年有数万次咬人报告。
For these animal owners, no expense is too great, and the pet supply business is booming. Pet stores in Beijing sell fashion outfits for dogs and bottles of pet perfume that cost up to $110. Feasting on imported dog food, some dogs eat better than many people. And for those dogs that overdo it, spas in Shenzhen cater to overweight dogs and offer special training programs to help them slim down.
对这些动物的主人来说，开销永远不会太大，而宠物用品的生意也蒸蒸日上。北京的宠物店贩卖售价高达110元的狗时装和瓶装宠物香水。有些狗享用进口狗食，它们吃得比很多人还好。对于那些享受过头的狗，深圳的水疗中心会特别照顾过胖的狗，并提供特殊的训练计划来帮助它们瘦下来。
But this new love of pets hasn’t kept all dogs from winding up on the menu. Animal rights groups estimate that over a million dogs a year are eaten in China. But they hope that, as more people keep dogs as pets, fewer people will be interested in having them as a meal.
但对热爱宠物的新风潮并未让所有的狗都免于沦落到菜单上。动物权利团体估计，每年在中国有超过100万只狗被吃掉。但是他们希望，当更多人养狗当宠物时，有兴趣把它们当食物吃的人就会很少。
“I used to be scared of animals, but now I find that they bring me much happiness,”said one pet owner.“People sometimes make you angry, but pets never do.”
“以前我很怕动物，但是现在我发现它们带给我很多快乐。”一位养宠物的人说，“人有时候会惹你生气，但宠物从来不会。”
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!”。进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊？” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么？” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他绊倒。”
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
一个男人走进一位非常著名的精神病医生Von Bernuth的办公室，坐下来向医生解释自己的问题。
“医生，医生！”他开始发话。
“没有必要重复你的话，先生。”医生回答，“一句‘医生’就可以了。”
“好，您看，我的问题就在这。”那人继续说，“我总是有一种幻觉，觉得自己是条狗，是条巨大的、白色的毛的比利牛斯山脉犬。这很疯狂，我不知道该怎么办！”
“这是很普通的犬综合症。”医生平静地回答，“过来，趴到沙发上。”
“不，医生。我不被允许爬到家具上
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
布朗夫人：哦，
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
又遇见那只大狗了吧？
我家附近有一条比较深的胡同，是我每天回家的必经之路。前天下班回家，拐进胡同走到一半，忽然闯出一个白乎乎的东西，由于光线较暗，吓了我一跳。仔细一看，原来是条小狗。它耀武扬威地向我奔来，看它还没我家那只老猫大，我放下心来。可小狗似乎并不满意这个结果，竟狂吠着想来咬我。我一乐，嗬！就你那小样也想来咬我？ 我吓也要吓死你！便也冲着它狠狠地嚎了两下：“汪！汪！”小狗立马顿住脚，盯着我看了一下，忽地转身跑远了。
我正得意，却听见胡同那头传来一个老太太的声音：“叫你好好在家门口玩儿，你不听，又遇见那只大狗了吧？”
小狗驾驶
车祸！司机昏迷，唯有宠物狗无恙。交警问狗：出事前你主人在干嘛？小狗做喝水状，摇摇晃晃。交警：噢！在喝酒。那你在干嘛？小狗端坐，双手做驾驶动作。
你不咬人吧？
一位妇人带她的狗去理发。当被告知要40美元时，她十分震惊。“我理发也只要9美元！”她轻蔑地说。“但你不咬人吧？”理发师很快地回答。
训狗
A: 我想训我的狗，让它想吃东西时就叫。
B：这应该是很容易的事嘛！
A：我已经教了它足有100次了。
B：怎么样，它会叫了吗？
A：不叫，但如果我不学狗叫，它就不吃东西。
拿走它进门的钥匙
早晨，两个邻居相遇了。
一个说：“听说，昨晚你妻子大吵大闹了？”
“是的，她在对狗发脾气。”
“可怜的狗！我好像听到你的妻子甚至威胁要拿走它进门的钥匙！”
狗不懂啊！
有个人被狗咬伤，赶忙到医生那里上药。
医生正收拾东西，准备下班。“看看几点了，怎么这时候才来？”医生满脸不快。
“我是知道的，医生！”那人说，“可是，狗不懂啊！”
谁的狗最聪明
某日，一个医生、一个建筑师和一个律师在一家乡俱乐部吃午饭，他们的话题扯到了各自的狗身上，想比一下谁的狗最聪明。
医生的狗首先开始，它从门外衔来一些骨头在地上摆了一幅人体骨骼图。医生给了它一些饼干作为奖励。
建筑师的狗从外面衔来一些树枝在地上搭了一个艾菲尔铁塔的模型，建筑师也给了他一些饼干作为奖励。
最后，律师的狗出场了，它与医生和建筑师的狗交谈了一番，那两只狗便把饼干都给了它。
律师解释说，他的狗现在是那两只狗的法律顾问了
Compared to just a few decades ago, now is a good time to be a dog in China. With bans on pet ownership gone, and eating habits changing, puppies today
are now more likely to end up on a leash than on a plate.
跟几十年前比起来，现在在中国可是当狗的好时机。随着养宠物的禁令解除，以及饮食习惯的改变，小狗现在的下场很可能是被套上皮带，而不是摆上餐盘。
The result has been a huge increase in dog ownership around the country. For young people, especially in the larger cities, dogs have become a must-have fashion accessory, while older people are turning to dogs for companionship.“He’s like a child to me,”says one Beijing pensioner of the tiny dog she carries with her at all times.“I’d be very lonely without him.”
解禁的结果是全国养狗的人数大增。对年轻人来说，特别是在大城市里，狗已经变成必备的流行配件，而老年人则求助于小狗带来的友谊。“他就像我的小孩一样。”一位靠养老金生活的北京居民说，她随时都带着一只小狗。“没有它我会很寂寞。”
Over 130,000 dogs have been registered in Beijing, but police estimate the total number of dogs kept as pets in the capital is closer to 650,000. The flipside is that dog bites have also reached record numbers, with tens of thousands of incidents reported annually in major cities.
北京有超过13万只已经登记的狗，但是警方估计在首都的宠物狗总数有将近65万。与此相对应的是，狗咬人的事件也破了纪录，在主要城市每年有数万次咬人报告。
For these animal owners, no expense is too great, and the pet supply business is booming. Pet stores in Beijing sell fashion outfits for dogs and bottles of pet perfume that cost up to $110. Feasting on imported dog food, some dogs eat better than many people. And for those dogs that overdo it, spas in Shenzhen cater to overweight dogs and offer special training programs to help them slim down.
对这些动物的主人来说，开销永远不会太大，而宠物用品的生意也蒸蒸日上。北京的宠物店贩卖售价高达110元的狗时装和瓶装宠物香水。有些狗享用进口狗食，它们吃得比很多人还好。对于那些享受过头的狗，深圳的水疗中心会特别照顾过胖的狗，并提供特殊的训练计划来帮助它们瘦下来。
But this new love of pets hasn’t kept all dogs from winding up on the menu. Animal rights groups estimate that over a million dogs a year are eaten in China. But they hope that, as more people keep dogs as pets, fewer people will be interested in having them as a meal.
但对热爱宠物的新风潮并未让所有的狗都免于沦落到菜单上。动物权利团体估计，每年在中国有超过100万只狗被吃掉。但是他们希望，当更多人养狗当宠物时，有兴趣把它们当食物吃的人就会很少。
“I used to be scared of animals, but now I find that they bring me much happiness,”said one pet owner.“People sometimes make you angry, but pets never do.”
“以前我很怕动物，但是现在我发现它们带给我很多快乐。”一位养宠物的人说，“人有时候会惹你生气，但宠物从来不会。”
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!”。进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊？” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么？” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他绊倒。”
参考资料： 依旧蓝的天
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