Question

帮忙改雅思小作文，谢谢啦。

帮忙批改一下雅思作文，主要是给个分数，因为在犹豫要不要考雅思，就试着写了一些。谢谢啦。

The line graph describes the percentage of the population of 65 years old and older over the period between 1940 and 2040 in three distinct countries, Japan, Sweden and USA.

Obviously, Japan had the lowest proportion of the aged during the years from 1940 to2000, less than 5%. Therefore, there was a slight upward trend. From then on, the proportion is expected to climb sharply after 2030, and it will reach the peak at 27% in 2040, exceeding the other two countries.

The percentages of the old individuals have the similar tendency in a certain degree. To begin with, there were 7% in Sweden while USA had 9% of its population. And then, the proportion fluctuated and reached the same point at roughly 14% just before 2000. However, the percentage of Sweden increased constantly and got to 20% while it of the USA leveled out. After a marginal fall, the percentage of Sweden will reach 25% in 2040 whereas it of the USA will rise up to 23%.

Answer 1

首先，你可以插入图片，否则我无法判断你是否将所以信息完整揭示。
其次，如果单纯看文章本身，你应该是有一定的雅思功底了。思路和句型包括语法基本没有明显错误，6分以上没有问题。有几点说一下：
1. 第二段第二行开始的therefore, 因为看不到原图，所以单纯从文章来看，因果关系不存在。老外很重视逻辑性，千万不要以中国人的逻辑能力去要求你的评分人，鬼佬逻辑能力很差，你必须把逻辑关系给他摆的很明白才行，这点大作文尤为重要。
2. 第三段第一句的in a certain degree,我理解的意思是你想说“在某种程度上”，如果确实是这个意思，最地道的书面表达是“to some extent”。
3. 最后两行的it of the USA应该用that 替代it
我前半年考的雅思，写作7.5，希望能帮到你。一点拙见，不喜拍砖呵呵

Answer 2

建议你直接到新东方的批改网提交一下，有外教批改，还能给你范文重写什么的，打的分也比较准
我从那改过，还不错。还有品论、修改意见什么的,老师都是外国人,会以外国人的思维去改,帮助不少.以后练托福口语也可以用

新东方批改网作文“七步”评分流程
1 明确批改级别
2 查看作文题目
3 通览作文冰雨反馈区做简单评语
4 逐行批改作文，指出并修改错误，同时表明错误类型
5 对作文的逻辑结构，论据相关性，行文连贯性等问题在评论区进行评论
6 给出作文在以下四项评分指标方面的分值：
Response to the prompt
切题
Organization
文章结构
Development and Details
内容展开及逻辑性
Grammar
语法准确性
7 换算成相应考试的作文评分