Question

求托福改作文 独立写作

TPO-1的独立写作
题目大概是同不同意学校应该在体育设施和社会交往方面加大投入
Sports and social activities should definitely be regarded as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support. So critical it is for a diverse and dynamic educational institute that we can hardly find reasons not to offer more support for spots and social activities.

As diversity is becoming a more indispensable component of universities and college, sports and social activities are more crucial parts of the high-quality education. It’s hard to judge a person according to whose academic achievement. Nowadays, a high standard educational institute is paying more attention to bring up students with personalities, hobbies, and other important characters and abilities. If they didn’t see sports and social activities as indispensable components, they would be less attractive to excellent students.

Without sports and social activities, students only can devote themselves in the monotonous all-day study and will be lack of the ability to keep balance of entertainment, study, and social communication. This will obviously leads to a consequence that students have difficulties taking care of themselves and managing time and daily activities. It will also do harm to students’ health, passion, and curiosity.

Universities and colleges should provide more financial support to sports and social activities due to many students are short of the awareness of the significance of the extra activities. Admittedly the expense for classes and libraries are crucial, but more financial support for sports and social activities is also necessary for the reason that it will enhance the awareness of students to take part in more activities besides to study. Hardly can a person achieve a lot without a good health and social communication. It seems critical for universities and colleges to publicize the point of view to students.

I believe the situation that lacking of awareness of sports and social activities will be improved as the universities and the colleges give more financial aid. Only in this way, can students experience the diverse campus culture and activities.

Answer 1

1.第一段秀语言是好事，但不必过度，会导致阅卷人阅读困难。建议长短句结合。
2.第二段“As diversity is becoming a more indispensable component of universities and college, sports and social activities are more crucial parts of the high-quality education""成为一个更加必不可少的成分”可以，但后面的“more"翻译不通啊
3.第二段”It’s hard to judge a person according to whose academic achievement.“这一句从句部分不完整。要么It is hard to judge a person according to his/her academic achievement，要么It is hard to judge a person according to whose academic achievement is....第二种说法本身也有问题，“根据的是谁的学业怎么样”翻译不恰当。所以建议你用第一种。
4.pay more attention to后面要加动名词,这里“to"是介词。pay more attention to bringing up...
5.If they didn’t see sports and social activities as indispensable components, they would be less attractive to excellent students.主语”they"与前指代的内容单复数不一致。应该是如果学校不把...但你前面提到的学校是单数
6.第三段“devote ...into..." ; be lack of ability "of" keeping balance "among"..... ;
7。第四段第一句"due to"后面是不能跟句子的，用”because“
8.Admittedly后面要加逗号
9.the expense for......"is" crucial
10. Admittedly the expense for classes and libraries are crucial, but more financial support for sports and social activities is also necessary for the reason that it will enhance the awareness of students to take part in more activities besides to study.后面的部分强行使用从句非常糟糕。建议分成几个简单句。The expense for classes and libraries is crucial. So is the financial support for sports and activities. As a result, besides study, the awareness of taking part in those sports and activities enhance a lot.
11.托福写作的分论点要求 观点+原因+例子。你的分论点互相交织，不清晰。你的文章过分阐述，没有任何细节例证
12.托福写作的结尾要求 总结分论点+期盼。你的重述分论点不完整。
13.文中的“more"用得太多，换别的，如the increasing number of..
14.注意段落间的衔接。多用过渡词，如first and foremost,in addition, furthermore, what is more
15.文章努力用难句，长句，语法表现出你积极向上的一面，但要基于基础，不要随意造句，生涩的用从句+从句的方式。尽量用自己读到过的句子

Answer 2

如果你能花钱改，那建议你到新东方批改网上找外教批改，我在新东方批改网上提交了约10篇作文，三篇口语，质量很好，老师们都很认真，最重要的是，无论我写多么槽糕，都会得到一个鼓励性的评语，还有提高的建议，非常受用。另外印象比较深刻的是，每次老师批改完之后，都会得到邮件提醒，十分人性化。