Question

各位好心的大神们。。。帮我修改修改英语作文吧~~~

A month later, some students who just graduated from high school will be entered into university campus where is the most desirable places for these high school students.For these students who presently entered the university campus, what things they should be to prepare?First of all, they need in a timely manner to buy train or airline tickets to go to school.If you intend to travel by train, you need to purchase tickets in advance, if late, train tickets may be difficult to get.If you want to take flight, then you need to understand the weather condition in advance, because the fight will decide whether to take off on time according to the weather condition.If the weather is so bad, the flight will be canceled.If you get to school on time, then you need to sign up and pay the tuition.When you have done these things, you need to clean up your bedroom. It would be the place you live in the next four years.If you find you still need something, go to the supermarket to purchase it.You'd better buy some sunscreen, because it will be carried out military training.You need to do the preparation of sun exposure.Finally, I wish your college life good luck.

Answer 1

我明白你的意思，表述上大体正确，我只是把前半部分的细节上的问题挑出来，
你可以按照修改意见重新修整。后半部分我整体做了修改，你可以根据自己的情况选用。

1." A month later"---->" In a month time", 还有一个月，或者一个月以后。
2."will be entered into"---->" will enter into" (主动）或者用"will be enrolled into" (被动）
3."university campus where is"---->" university, the compus of which is "
4. "the most desirable places for these high school students"---->"the most desirable place for them." 把复数改为单叔，用代词them代替“这些高中生”，因为不需要再重复一次。
5."For these.....should be prepare"---->这句话整个要改。不需要啰嗦重复一遍，直接用"For the freshmen (大一新生）.who has just started their university life, what should be prepared?"
6.“First of all,....Finally...."从这里到最后，我全部重新修改了。
"First of all, you need to know that buying tickets can be a time-consuming task. So if you intend to travel by train, you will have to buy them in advance.Because it could get very difficult to purchase a ticket if you are late. Then traveling by air can be a good alternative. (那样的话，乘坐飞机可以是个不错的第二选择）But you need to learn about the weather ahead of shedule (提前了解天气），due to the flight is heavily depending on the weather conditions which decide on whether the flight will be canceled or not. As soon as you arrive at your university, you must register and pay your tuitions. Then you need to clean up your bedroom in which you will be living for four years. If you are in need of anything, you may go shopping in the supermarket. And you'd better buy some sunblocking creams for the military training later on. You have to protect your skin from the burning of sun exposure. Finally, I wish you all good luck and happy college life!

Answer 2

be entered into 一般表被动 人被上学好像不太合逻辑 建议改为主动 attend

where is the most desirable place（s ）（单复数。。。）

For these students who presently entered the university campus, （时态，还有整句感觉不太对，presently 是紧接着发生 但好歹还空两个月。。。）
建议 who will presently enter the university campus（其实更建议用 about to 替换p 但是的确about to 比较土
what things they should be to prepare?（感觉很怪 ，用被动首先逻辑比较奇怪，语法不敢说，但我保证没有一个美国佬会用这句话。。。）

purchase 感觉票用订比较好

后面的in a timely manner 我只能说 若是国外考试千万别用，明显画蛇添足。国内考试。。。用就用了吧（国内不看逻辑，你用词花哨点就高分）还有就是最好放最后

.If you get to school on time, then you need to sign up and pay the...(没逻辑关系，不 on time 也要报道。。。）也是中国的考试没问题，国外的准是大错。还有貌似没记错的话是先存钱到卡上再去上学，也就是报到时钱已经交了。。。

bedroom 改为dormitory（大学集体宿舍寝室）
It would be（will be）

carried out？ 你想说什么？

还有就是火车飞机那段好像理由比较无聊（看这题目是中国题，无聊就无聊吧。）不过其实大学准备还有一些好的理由，比如提前熟悉学校周围的环境，比如在学习之前预习大学课程等等
总体感觉文章比较中式英语，比如买火车票一句可以改为
you need to purchase tickets in advance ， since the train ticket supplies are tight 。

（因为票供应紧张，所以你要提前买票）
再就是有点罗嗦（当然不排除凑字可能）
总体说，语法用的很多，值得鼓励，准确性上还是有待加强。

PS 最近在看GRE 所以对文章逻辑习惯性挑错，见谅啊