Question

求助高手帮忙检查，雅思写作part1你给多少分？并请回答为什么，谢谢！

The line graph represents fluctuations between three separate countries in relation to population aged 65 and above; within United States, Sweden and Japan between 1940 and 2040.
In 1940 USA had the highest proportion of their citizens aged 65 and over at around 9%, with Sweden being at close second having 8%, Japan placed third having the lowest percentage of elderly, topping at around 5%.
This situation held firmly until 2010 where Sweden’s percentage of elderly population overtook USA’s first place with 12%. Japan’s situation during this period was relatively stable.
There are no expectations to see any major fluctuations in regards to elderly population up until 2020. During that year it is predicted that Japan, in the span of 10 consecutive years, will see a sharp incline in aging society (taking over USA at 13% in 2020 and Sweden with 19% in 2030). This trend is expected to finish by the end of 2030 with staggering 25% of population aged 65 or over.
Following years (after 2030) will see rapid increase of aging society in USA and Sweden (13% soar to 22% and 18% increase up to 22% respectively).
In summary, presented line graph predicts rapid increase of ‘seasoned’ members of society in the upcoming years.

Answer 1

不知道这个9分是怎么分配的，但是你这个分数不会高的，语法错误太严重

追问

可否说下哪些语法错误？

追答

标红的地方全部都是语法问题，而且比较严重，很多地方指代不明，选词不当，介词乱用，时态错误，例如第二段2010后面的那个where搞不清楚你指代什么，前面是主语是situation你后面用where实在让人费解啊，elderly population前面少定冠词the，第一段结尾Japan后面是动词就意味这句话是一句完整的话，那么Japan前面逗号就应该变成连词And。第三段；during that year 中的that指代不清，that本意指：那，那个，单独出现在这里的话后面只能是过去时态和过去将来时。还有不少其他问题时间关系就不一一指出了。如果小作文按照4分来的话，我最多给1.5分

希望对你有帮助，有问题可以追问，总之你的语法需要加强