雅思作文，请高手批改打分
请高手批改打分这篇作文，万分感谢。可以的话指出如何提高。Shouldchildrendomoreschoolworkinsteadofhavingmorefreetime...
请高手批改打分这篇作文，万分感谢。
可以的话指出如何提高。
Should children do more school work instead of having more free time? Some people's answer is "Yes", because there are more advantages in doing school work for children. However, I could hardly agree with them. In this essay, I will compare and contrast two opinions regarding this issue.
It is evident that free time is important for children. To start with, the main reason for this is happiness. Even though we know children could benefit from the school work, we cannot deprive their rights to enjoy life, such playing games with the family, going to a party with friends or just enjoy some leisure time. They all are dispensable parts of happy life and I believe is beneficial to heath. More importantly, free time may help student develop their hobbies and promote their creativity. By contract, too much schooling can stifle their development. For instance, if Bill Gates had spent too much time on school work when he was in the university, he would hardly have time on software and end up the richest man in the world.
Even so, I admit that it may be true that school work is necessary for children. It is reasonable due to the fact that school work is the most direct way to study basic knowledge and skill that obviously will help them survive in the society in future, such as math, language and computer skills. For Instance, it is unimaginable to get an ideal job if a person cannot write. Despite that, students could hardly become successful only dependant on the skill they learn from school. It is because that schooling cannot teach children everything they need in future, such as team work and communication skills which must be practiced by students self in their free time.
To sum up, I take the view that school work is crucial for children but free time is also necessary as well, especially from student’s happiness and creativity. I am convinced that child will get better future from the balance of them.
robinthe1， 能否说的详细点，哪些地方不好，该如何改正。谢谢！ 展开
可以的话指出如何提高。
Should children do more school work instead of having more free time? Some people's answer is "Yes", because there are more advantages in doing school work for children. However, I could hardly agree with them. In this essay, I will compare and contrast two opinions regarding this issue.
It is evident that free time is important for children. To start with, the main reason for this is happiness. Even though we know children could benefit from the school work, we cannot deprive their rights to enjoy life, such playing games with the family, going to a party with friends or just enjoy some leisure time. They all are dispensable parts of happy life and I believe is beneficial to heath. More importantly, free time may help student develop their hobbies and promote their creativity. By contract, too much schooling can stifle their development. For instance, if Bill Gates had spent too much time on school work when he was in the university, he would hardly have time on software and end up the richest man in the world.
Even so, I admit that it may be true that school work is necessary for children. It is reasonable due to the fact that school work is the most direct way to study basic knowledge and skill that obviously will help them survive in the society in future, such as math, language and computer skills. For Instance, it is unimaginable to get an ideal job if a person cannot write. Despite that, students could hardly become successful only dependant on the skill they learn from school. It is because that schooling cannot teach children everything they need in future, such as team work and communication skills which must be practiced by students self in their free time.
To sum up, I take the view that school work is crucial for children but free time is also necessary as well, especially from student’s happiness and creativity. I am convinced that child will get better future from the balance of them.
robinthe1， 能否说的详细点，哪些地方不好，该如何改正。谢谢！ 展开
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结构不错，但就是感觉用词和连词有待提高，运气好应该有6左右
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