Question

请帮我看一下我的雅思作文，并按照经验来大致打个分

题目：
Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits.
do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

作文：
It is an argument that to be a celebrity,what can bring to the person. Somebody says that benefits more than problems,but someone else thinks negative things more than positive things. I think, however,to be a celebrity, it gets benefits more than problems. In this essay, I would like to provide my points of view as below.
Initially, to be a celebrity is not easy for everyone. You may have to work hard and put more effort into the thing you want to make it successful. It’s a hard time during the way to get your propose, so it can change a man whatever he was to be a great man. Pop stars or sports personalities, you can see their performance in TV, but you could not see they were working hard behind people.
Besides, celebrity is always watched in public,which makes you have more attention from people. You can make influence to the society to change unfair things by yourself. It’s effective and direct way to make people living better. People observed celebrities and learn things from them, so celebrities can introduce positive things to people.
However, to be observed by public is not always make you comfortable. Your private stuff will be judged by others and cannot be hidden from people. So celebrities need to be more careful in their own life and public with presses.
In conclusion, to be celebrity there will bemore benefits than problems. I hope everyone wants to be celebrity will makehis dream come true and make society more positive.

Answer 1

你好！
你的作文，按照雅思满分5分标准的话，应该在3.5比较合适。
简单点评一下，希望别见怪：
第一段写的不是很好，失误较多，对评分极为不利；
第二三段整体表达较见功力，但还是出现诸如冠词用法等初级失误，也很不利于得高分；
结尾段，主题得到升华，但还是出现初级失误，以及句子结构的严重失误。例如：
In conclusion, to be celebrity there will bemore benefits than problems.
修改：
In conclusion,【 being a 】celebrity 【does bring 强调】more benefits than problems【 in my view 既含有总结全文作用，又突显文章主题】.
I hope everyone 【who】wants to be【a】 celebrity will make his dream come true ,【which in return语义过渡更自然，也使整体句子档次升高】,will make our society more positive.

祝你开心如意！

追问

谢谢您的解答 想问一下 如果按照9分来算 能打几分

追答

按照9分来算，个人愚见就6到6.5左右，幸运的话也可能得7，因为失误还是略微嫌多。
碰到阅卷更严格的老师，那也许就是5.5到6分了。

追问

谢谢你的答案 我很满意 我在请教一个问题 我之前想用定语前置 所以用了很多to be ..., blablabla.这种写法要改成being...,这种写法比较好吗

追答

这个使用，没有好坏之分，要区分具体语境需要。
作目的状语时，只能选用 to be/do；作主语时，最好使用 being...，更直观，也易于理解。这里，因为原题给的就是【Being a celebrity 主语】brings problems as well as benefits.
后面修改中，那样使用是为了照应前面给的形式，明确写作主题，也为了总结全文。