Question

求改雅思作文Part one

求高人来改 这月就考试了 紧张紧张 顺便给个评分 给点意见吧 谢啦！！！
虽然是part one 但是因为题目只是一个条形图 比较简单 主要是帮忙看一下语法和词语的使用 还有就是句型的变换 谢谢谢谢···

The bar graph illustrates the number of people who received high education in China from 1990 to 2004. The percentage of people possessing higher education level increased dramatically by around 63% during this period.
As can be seen from the bar graph, the proportion of higher educated people was only 5% in 1990.And then, there was a slight increase in the following four years ,with the figure recorded reached about 11% in 1994 .After that, a significant rise between 1994 and 1998 showed up, during which period the percentage increased considerably by approximately 5% per year followed by a dramatic increase between 2000 and 2002, from 45% to 65%. Finally, the percentage reached a peak of approximately 68% in 2004, giving people in China more accesses to the higher education.
In summury, it is obvious and noteworthy that in the 14 years from 1990 to 2004, some positive development in higher education in China did happen
补充一下 自己看见有个地方错了 第六行 reached 改为reaching 还有倒数第五行 因为粘贴的原因有点混乱 原文是 per year. And then , there was a dramatic`···

Answer 1

The bar graph illustrates the number of people who received high education in China from 1990 to 2004. The percentage of people possessing higher education level increased dramatically by （approximately） 63% during this period.

As (it is demonstrated in)the bar graph,the proportion of higher educated people was only 5% in 1990. (soon after), there was a slight increase in the following four years, with the figure recorded reaching about 11% in 1994. (subsequently) a significant rise between 1994 and 1998 (is represented), during (the)period (which) the percentage increased considerably by approximately 5% per year(,) followed by a dramatic increase (from 45% to 65%) between 2000 and 2002. the percentage (ultimately) reached a peak of approximately 68% in 2004 (which indicates the higher accessibility of higher education in china).

(through the gradual increasing percentage of higher education over 14 years as illustrated in the bar graph), it is obvious and noteworthy (that various) positive developments (of higher education from 1990 to 2004 in china have accommodated people with increased availability to higher education. )

句子结构太死板， AND THEN, ....... AFTER THAT ..... FINALLY.... 句子的应用应该更灵活。。结尾还需要加强！

用词还需专业一下。。 如and then， after that etc都是比较随意的用法，不建议采用。

建议词汇demonstrated, illustrated, portrayed, represented, which indicates, implies, steady increase, consequently, as a result.

我刚看过一篇文章，作者写的很好，句子结构用词都很专业
http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/193130534.html

Answer 2

The bar graph illustrates the number of people who received high(用tertiary好) education in China from 1990 to 2004. The percentage of people possessing higher education level increased dramatically by around 63% during this period.（level去掉 by用错了by后面是差值 = =）
As can be seen from the bar graph, the proportion of higher educated people（高一级教育的人 = = of 后面改为people received tertiary education） was only 5% in 1990.there was a slight increase in the following four years ,with the figure recorded arriving at (不要都是reach) 11% in 1994 .

After that, a significant rise showed up between 1994 and 1998 , during which period the percentage increased considerably by approximately 5% per year， followed by a dramatic increase from 45% to 65%(from 2000 to 2002) (改动版)
Finally, the percentage reached the highest point at approximately 68% in 2004, which provided people in China more accesses to the tertiary education.

In summury, it is noteworthy that during the 14 years from 1990 to 2004, some remarkable achievement in higher education in China did occour.