Question

英语高手们帮我看一篇托福作文，有多狠就批多很，再给个分数，谢谢！

The educational system which I have been a student for last 16 years is a system that a teacher’s salary depends on the average score of his or her class. Although the system has been fostering my capacities and promoting my skills, I don’t think it is very reasonable. Beyond the topic, a controversy focused on whether a teacher’s wages should be connected with the students’ score is on discussion, violently! And now let me talk something about my viewpoint.
Teaching and receiving are two solitary conceptions. There are always some bad students with no favor in studying in a class, so that they become absent-minded in classes, no matter how well the teacher is imposing new knowledge. I have a classmate burn in a rich family which can buy him future, making him not interested in his curriculums at all. That he always handed in white papers in exams decreased our average score by 2 points! Do you know what does 2 points mean?! Ridiculously, that means our teacher didn’t teach him well and thus his salary was deducted. Generally speaking, even if a teacher were a god, he or she had nothing to do with a student disgusted in studying.
Secondly, how do we evaluate how much students have wielded? The sole way is an exam. But exams are very partial because a person is diverse and exams can only give objective estimations of the skills in his or her academic aspects, ignoring his or her moralities, social facilities and so on. What are omitted in exams is exactly the things a teacher should instruct students in order to improve their competence, make them gain more experience, enrich their mental world and, at last, get a good job in the future. All of those I have proposed can not be mentioned in a exam. So it is obvious that appraise a student by his or her scores is not rational and in some ways, insane! All in all, exams are not scientific enough, and evaluating a teacher’s responsibility, ability is not reasonable.
Additionally, salary is an intangible pressure on teachers, so they entail much burden on their students, constituting a vicious spiral. That can give a bad influence on students’ efficiency.
In conclusion, I don’t think the provision that teachers’ salary should depend on how much their students learned. On the one hand, sometimes low scores can not be attributed to teachers. On the other hand, there is not a very rational way to assess a student’s facility.

限时写的....

本人刚刚接触托福不久，感觉写这种独立写作最憋屈的就是想不到论点。有几次我拿到了题目竟然不知道该写神马个要点.......高手们方便的话顺便给我几条建议，谢谢！！

Answer 1

看图片吧，有些单词感觉用法不对。有些句子结构不太对。

其实我觉得有时用简单句就蛮好，只要能保证正确就行。

追问

太谢谢您了。您估计一下我这篇文章大概能打多少分数？

追答

你是从教育系统的一个方面写的，不知道原题目是什么，如果没有跑题的话，应该可以是Fair的水平吧。20分左右，满分30分。

首先要把握整体主旨，不要跑题就。然后要提高用词能力，没有把握的词建议少用。有些句子结构可以再简单些，保证正确率最重要。
你的基本功还可以！练习好了提高很快的！

Answer 2

中国式英语，你必须改掉中国表达习惯。写句子最好仿照英文原文，不能自己想的。你句子的套用太烂，根本不通，第一句基本没对的地方，which I have been a student for last 16 years 你想修饰The educational system，这跟你有什么关系，改为which I have engaged for last 16 years as a student.a teacher什么表达啊，去掉a。salary是什么啊，salary level好点。平均得分是什么啊，应该说成绩的好坏。你还是别考了，好好学学中文，再学英文吧。你根本不会表达，写个文章跟瞎聊天似的。

Answer 3

你这什么破玩意 给你个0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000实在是太烂了

Answer 4

总体看上去还是不错的，个人认为有些词语出现次数太多，有一些基本搭配也是错的，感觉文章没有什么新意

Answer 5

满分100，我给你10分，太多错的了，例如第一句的years后面都没有old，这样低级的错误都有。

追问

请您再好好看看，营部应该有OLD。