Question

新写了一篇托福作文，跪求批改！谢谢！

Being a parent is the oldest job in existence and it has been really important for people all through the history of human beings, even in the time of the cavemen. However, when asked about which qualities are the most essential for being a good parent, various people may have different opinions. As far as I’m concerned, I strongly believe that the most important qualities of a good parent are patient and caring. I would like to illustrate each of them in the following to support my belief.
First of all, parents should be patient with their children, especially those under the age of ten; because young children tend to be naughty and they make mistakes all the time, good parents should instruct their children patiently so that they won’t make the same mistake again other than punish them severely; otherwise, young children may not be willing to correct their errors and they may even hate their parents in the rest of their lives. For example, it is common that young child may break some valuables due to careless and not knowing the value of the object. In this case, a good parent should carefully inform the seriousness of the issue to the child, while it is always a bad choice for parents to resort to physical punishment.
Secondly, another important characteristic for a good parent is caring. As we know, young children are extremely vulnerable to the dangerous environment. Therefore, parents can’t be too caring to their children; otherwise, they may be hurt both physically and mentally anywhere, anytime. For example, children during adolescence may tend to be rebellious; if parents do not always keep an eye on them they may make friends with some bad kids and develop some bad habits, such as using drugs, which may ruin their whole lives.
In conclusion, I believe that patient and caring are the most important characteristics of a good parent, without these qualities their children will suffer and grow into dysfunctional adults. Overall, one must take the job of parenting very seriously to ensure the children’s healthy development.

Answer 1

楼主，我擅自替换了一些句子，并用托福偏于青睐的词汇改了一下。
不限制与词语的纠正我会给予评论，以加深您的理解。

Parenthood has extensively been acknowledged as the oldest obligation existent, and has played an indispensably crucial role throughout the history of humanity, even dating back to the Stone Ages. However, （这里可以考虑写 "Even so"；”即使如此，即便如此“；意思会比”但是“稍微明确一点。）
when asked about which qualities are the most essential for being a good parent, （前半读起来可以更加畅顺，可考虑改为：
when asked to name the most essential qualities in constituting successful parenthood,
在英文中，很多语法不畅顺的案例是由于名词与形容词的 不恰当顺序而引发的。稍微调整一下，句子会顺的。"asked about which..." 是很常见的 - 若是把 "asked about" 改成更加详细的动词 "asked to name/list"，意思会更加明确；"which qualities are the most essential" - 大可调整一下顺序，这是一篇较实的文章，不强调文学语气，所以名词形容词的顺序不会讲究。要是写散文的话，就得考虑很多其他因素；与中文一样-语气，格调，句子长短的多元化，文笔基本相称等等。改成“the most essential qualities" 不会影响这篇文章的表述。）

various people may have different opinions. As far as I am concerned, （我觉得这部分可以考虑去掉，没有实际意义，还有点自称的重复，不然的话就整个句子都改。）
I strongly believe that the most important qualities of a good parent （successful parenthood - 考虑更变）are patient （patient 是形容词，patience 是名词。）
and caring. （caring 是形容词，care是名词。Love/affection/consideration （体谅）- 这些都是可以考虑代替的词语，更加适合。）
I would like to illustrate each of them （可以写 both of them; 因为也只有两个性格特征，each of them 适用于几个例子）
in the following （"in the following" 放在句子中间，没有名词互补感觉意犹未尽；不常这么写。不如这么写吧：”In order to support my belief, I would like to illustrate both of them through the following reasoning（论证）."
to support my belief.
First of all, parents should be patient with their children, especially those under the age of ten, because young children tend to misbehave, during stage of developing cognition and personal understandings of the environments and communities around them. parents should instruct their children patiently so that they won’t （在正式文章中最好避免使用缩语 - would not）
make the same mistake again; this is, relatively to corporal punishment, proves as a much prudent approach of efficacy in considerations of long-term psychological effects.
Young children may not be willing to correct their errors and to a more radical extent, retain fearful distance to their parents for a continued period of time. For instance, it is common that young child may break some valuables due to careless and not knowing the value of the object. In this case, a good parent should carefully inform the seriousness of the issue to the child, while it is always a bad choice for parents to resort to physical punishment. （这里本身就写得很顺，建议在前面也保持这种连贯性。）
Secondly, another important characteristic for a good parent is caring.
As we know, young children are extremely vulnerable to the dangerous environment. Therefore, parents can’t （避免缩语 - cannot； 但这里更确切地词语应该是should not.）pamper （纵容，宠养的意思；indulge, spoil 都为近义词）their children. Otherwise, they may be hurt both physically and mentally anywhere, anytime in the long run. For example, children during adolescence may tend to be rebellious; if parents do not always keep an eye on them, they may make friends with some bad kids and develop detrimental habits chronically harming their lives, such as drugs dosing.
In conclusion, I believe that patience and caring （照第一节我所提供的一些名词找您的意愿进行适当的修改吧！- 替代"patience" 和 "caring“，用其他名词）
are the most important characteristics of a good parent. Without these qualities their children will suffer and grow into dysfunctional adults. Overall, one must take the job of parenting very seriously to ensure the children’s healthy development. （这里可改为 healthy development of children; 避免缩语 children's 到 healthy development of children - 若是想要加强 孩子们的重要性，可改为 the next generation; the healthy development of the next generation.）

希望对你有所帮助！

Answer 2

Being a parent is the oldest job in existence and it has been really important for people all through the history of human beings, even in the time of the cavemen. However, when asked about which qualities are the most essential for being a good parent, various people may have different opinions. As far as I’m concerned, I strongly believe that the most important qualities of a good parent are being patient and caring. I would like to illustrate them as follows.
First of all, parents should be patient with their children, especially with those under the age of ten，as young children tend to be naughty and they make trouble all the time. Rather than punish them severely Good parents should instruct their children patiently so that they might make the same mistake again. Young children may otherwise not be willing to correct their errors and they may even hate their parents in the rest of their lives. For example, a young child , not knowing the value of something, may break it up unintentionally. In this case, a good parent should carefully inform the child of the seriousness of the issue instead of abusing or scolding. it is also a bad choice for parents to resort to any physical punishment.
Another important characteristic for a good parent is caring. As we all know, young children are extremely vulnerable to dangerous environment. Therefore, parents can’t be too caring to their children; otherwise, they may be hurt both physically and mentally anywhere, anytime. Children during adolescence, for example, may tend to be rebellious. If parents do not keep an eye on them they may make friends with some bad kids and develop some bad habits, such as using drugs, which may ruin their whole lives.
In conclusion, I believe that patient and caring are the most important characteristics of a good parent, without which their children will suffer and grow into dysfunctional adults. Overall, one must take the job of parenting very seriously to ensure the children’s healthy development.