Question

雅思 剑5 test3 大作文 求评分 求拍砖！

题目Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

my essay

Nowadays,it is quiet a common perspect that should encourage a sense of competition in children.In contrast,some people think that cooperation rather than competition should be taughe to children.In my opinion,both cooperation and competition are significant for children which could make them become more excellent adults.

As the qulities of education rising,getting into a good university become more difficult than before.Parents send their children to learn variety of courses afer school in order to gain their competitions.Not only the relevant subjects in school like Mathe,English,but also some courses like Music,Dancing and Painting.Neither in china nor the other countries,nowadays,having a high mark in study is not the only way to get into a famous university.Having some special skills willgain your competition.

In the other hand,cooperation is an unestimated factor whether in universities or companies.As is well knowed that no one could live without others.You will finish your research under the help of your classmates and tutors or complete projects with your companions.If you can not get along well with others,there will be a bad influence on your lives.

From what have been discussed above,we can draw a conclusion that competition is an important but not the only thing we should teach to children.Some who could cooperate well with others will lead to a more competed person.

才214个字......

Answer 1

字数不够，一律从5.5开始往下算分，雅思字数限制很严格，你最好加点……
第一句话，没主语…… who should encourage?
第二行，拼写错误taught
第二段，第一句 rises or is rising。
getting into a good university become more difficult than before 改为to get……becomes……
in order to gain their competitions 改为 to gain their ability of competing
三段As is well knowed that no one could live without others.You will finish your research ……正确的是As it is well known that no one can live……

虽然你试着用很多句式、修辞，但是您最好是弄清楚其正确用法后再写
请注意题目要求Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
叫你讨论两个观点的优缺点，并给出自己观念，你观念折中倒是没问题，不过，这优缺点体现在哪？你第二段整个就是第一段扩展,或者说introduction
忠言逆耳，希望你能有所进步，少年！

Answer 2

赞同楼上. 差一点没关系，才200出头绝对不行. 考官连看都不看的