Question

帮忙批改下雅思大作文吧，感谢！

题目：Some people think university education should
prepare students for employment while others think it should help students
acquire theoretical knowledge. Discuss both views and give your own
opinion.
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正文：Nowadays, people are discussing what university education should be,
theoretical or practical. Based on my experience, I want to emphasize
that practical skills have the equal importance with theoretical knowledge for
university students, in spite of each of them has its own sake on building one's
knowledge system. And I tend to think that what people worry about will not be a
matter if university education gave both practical and theoretical courses and
arrange them reasonably, or just let students make their own decisions.

For students who plan to get a work immediately after graduating from
university, courses that preparing them for employment will be the first choice,
since a large amount of practical skills and helpful advises of work will be
involved in those courses. Referring from some surveys, students studied
practical courses for 3 or 4 years always have better performance at the
beginning of work, comparing with those who studied theoretical knowledge for
the same length of years. However, this advantage will not last very long
provided their competitors got more comprehensive understanding on the work by
combining their originally mastered theories with the new working
experiences.

On the other hand, students who want to continue their studying career and
do more academic researches, universally tend to acquire more fundamental
theories which, admittedly, is the prerequisite of academic innovations.
However, in my opinion, the innovation should more or less make some contribution to
practical application, or they will be completely useless. Accordingly,
practical skills are inevitable to a theorist as well as a worker.

As a whole, we can see that, it's time to adjusting university education
into a more reasonable system. As far as I know, some universities have divided
an academic term into three semesters, including two theoretical semesters and a practical
one, and have got a great success. I hope that can provide good model for other
universities in the future.

Answer 1

如果满分是100分，至少可以达到90分。
文章行文连贯，文中的过渡词和衔接词相当丰富，内容连贯；能够准确把握长难句，达到长短句合理分配，同时文中句式灵活多样，希望继续努力，再创佳绩；文章用词不错，学术词汇较为丰富，另外作者在拼写方面做得很棒。
顺带说一句吧，Nowadays,people are discussing what university education should be,theoretical or practical.
最好用whether吧。

Answer 2

The essay was well written. It could be judged as a piece of extraordinary work if it was done within the given time that normally set in the examination. Mark 5.5~6.0

However, it could be better:
1. It is better to use 'Many people show concern about the education emphasis of university.....' instead of 'are discussing....'
2. It is better to say 'education focus' instead of 'university education' as it always involve 'theoritical part' and 'practical part';
3. 'Based on my experience, I want to emphasize' is too sujective, better using 'in my opinion,...
4. 'in spite of each of them has its own sake on building one's
knowledge system' can be better expressed. It is not very clear;
5. 'just let students make their own decisions' is not a good idea;
6.'plan to get a work' better to use 'plan to work'
7. 'after graduating from' better to use 'after their graduation from'

8.'will be the first choice,since a large....' better to use'will be the first choice as a large......'

9. 'Referring from some surveys' better to use 'some surveys show...',;
10.' have better performance... comparing with those who...' better to use ' have better performance... than those who...'
11.'for the same length of years.' better to use 'for the same period'
12.'provided their competitors...' better to use ' as their competitors...'
13 'students who want to continue their studying career and do more academic researches'
better to use 'students who want to develop an academic career'

14.'universally tend to acquire...' better to use ' usually expect to learn...'
15. 'or they will be...' better to use 'otherwise they will be...'
16. ' Accordingly, practical skills are inevitable to a theorist as well as a worker.' is a sudden change in meaning. it is not closely linked with the previous sentences, so it should be rewritten or deleted.
17. 'As a whole' it is better to use 'In summary';
18. 'we can see that' it is better to use 'it is clear that...'
19. 'it's time to adjusting...' 'it is time to adjust the education strategy and turn it to a more reasonable system';
20.' into three semesters, including two theoretical semesters and a practical one'
' into three semesters, of which two theoretical semesters and one practical'
21'good model ' 'a good model'

Answer 3

1Nowadays,
people are discussing what university education should be,
theoretical or practical.

用whether

2
Based
on my experience, I want to emphasize
that practical skills have the equal importance with theoretical knowledge for university students, in spite of each of them has its own sake on building one's knowledge system.
逻辑关系错。
用Because

3
And
I tend to think that what people worry about will not be a
matter if university education gave both practical and theoretical courses and arrange them reasonably, or just let students make their own decisions.

And不用。
用will no longer matter
gave -> provided
if university education gave both practical and theoretical courses, and either arrange them reasonably, or let students make their own decisions.

4For students who plan to get a work immediately after graduating from university, courses that preparing them for employment will be the first choice, since a large amount of practical skills and helpful advises of work will be involved in those courses.
a large amount 只能加不可数吧

5
However,
this advantage will not last very long
provided their competitors got more comprehensive understanding on the work by combining their originally mastered theories with the new working experiences.
provided 好像用错了。。。because吧

6studying career-〉study
continue their study or continue studing

7have got a great success-> had

8good model-> a good ..这是我自己修改的，求采纳~