Question

自己写了篇雅思作文,请高手帮忙看一下

题目是兼职工作的利弊,帮忙估计下分数并改正,谢谢

For years, students have been seen as those who only just work and study in schools. But things have changed now. In recent years, taking a part-time job is becoming increasingly popular. There arises a heated debate over whether it is wise to take a part-time job. Quite a few people have the idea that taking part-time jobs benefits a lot while others insist that students should focus on studies. Both sides have their merits.

Those who hold the view that it is helpful to take jobs have several reasons for it. First of all, getting a job helps to cultivate independence and build up one’s confidence. Students who have a part-time job will soon find themselves more socially adaptable. Then, a part-time job can give you valuable work experience and expand your resume. In addition, a paid work helps to ease the financial burden.

However, some people have a different attitude, arguing that students should concentrate on their studies. To begin with, children may think that a job takes away too much time and really cut into their studies. It is hard to find a balance between the school and work schedules. Moreover, teens are not mature enough so that they may be affected by the social evils and easily go astray.

Both sides above make sense. As far as I am concerned, students should be encouraged to take part-time jobs. It helps to enhance our social awareness and provides an opportunity to prepare for the real world.

Answer 1

我不准备楼主会采纳我的答案，但我看完的确想说点意见，因为我刚刚考了次雅思，分数刚刚出来，你的作文写得跟我的有点类似，或者我能评两句~~

首先，我没有看到你完整的题目，是说兼职的利弊然后给出自己的意见吗？如果是的话，你的分段还算合理~
其次，一次读下来，还比较流畅，没有明显的语法和拼写错误，这个不错。
但是，如楼上所说，你的字数的确少了，问题没有充分说清楚，尤其是中间两段最关键的，虽然都说到几点了，但每点只有一句，这是不够的。
另外，你每段的开头和部分的句子明显是模板式的，虽然没什么错，但是考官改多了这种文章，你很难拿高分的。要有自己的一套句型才行~

最后，我说说我的情况，我那天写了300多字（其实都有320了），每段都用了些套句模板，内容论证还算充分，但最后的写作成绩是5.5。
我不是考官，我只是根据自己的经验和感觉说说为什么会低分……你最根本要做的就是充实内容，否则，5.5都困难，外国人的思维毕竟跟我们是不一样的！！（切记这点！）

Answer 2

语法错误问题基本上可以被忽略，但是有以下几个弱点，也导致这篇作文只能在6-6。5份段，（不知道作者是否觉得满意）
1.字数,我放在word里查了下,字数只有刚刚250个字,想提醒作者,雅思虽然规定的是至少250个字,但是只有写到350个字的作文才会拿到7分以上
2.缺少左证材料,作者一直在空洞的发表自己的想法,缺少例子,这也是本文不够充实的原因
3.con side的论据应该更多的是从外人是怎么看的,而不是学生自己
优点:首尾比较合适,可以不用修改