Question

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作文如下，请各路大侠使劲批，最好能帮我估计一下我独立写作的分数段，谢谢。
问题：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to improve the education quality in a country is to increase teachers' salary.

作文：Recently, people are paying more and more attention to the quality of education than ever before. Some educators have pointed out that the best way to improve the quality of a country's education is to increase its teachers' salary. In my opinion, increasing their salary may be an effective way to improve a country's condition of education, but I do not think that this can be the best choice for all of us.
I have to say that increasing teachers' incomes does have several advantages. First, it could make teachers more enthusiastic about teaching. Admittedly, in the modern world, most teachers do not consider their jobs as something attractive. They may have more hobbies out of teachers' office. And, with little salary, they may not devote themselves in teaching, and accordingly, their quality of education will not satisfy us. So, giving teachers higher pay can be a catalyst in our effort of improving the quality of education.
Another thing that improving the salary of teachers can benefit us is that, because earning a higher pay can not only improve a person's living condition, but also increase his or her social status, it will attract more talents to engage in teaching. With great intelligence, we have reason to believe that they will make our education condition better.
However, we cannot say that increasing teachers' salary is the best way to improve the education quality of this country, for it does have some drawbacks. One is that increasing teachers' salary means students need to pay much more money for good education than ever before. For example, nowadays, some of the areas in China is still very poor and underdeveloped, most of children there cannot even pay for primary education and have to drop out from schools. Once the incomes of teachers is increased, there may be more and more children who will lose the chance of education. That's one thing beyond our expectation. And as I have mentioned above, increasing teachers' salaries may not be suitable for every country in this world. In some underdeveloped countries, increasing teachers' incomes will load the governments and its people with more pressure of money, and this shortcoming can outweigh any other advantages in such a country.
I believe that there is something more helpful than increasing teachers' salary to a country's condition of education, say, improving the laws of education may push teachers to be more professional and effective than before. All in all, I do not agree with the statement that increasing teachers' salaries is the best way for the improvement of a country's education quality.

Answer 1

问题：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to improve the education quality in a country is to increase teachers' salary.

作文：
Recently, people are paying more and more attention to the quality of education than ever before. (前后不连贯而且没有开篇点明主旨，建议改为：There has been a heat debate about how to improve the education quality in a country and different people have different perspectives.) Some educators have pointed out that the best way to improve the quality of a country's education is to increase its teachers' salary. In my opinion, (为了与后面的but呼应，应该先让步，后转折，更自然：I admit that) increasing their salary may be (说话留点余地，等下好反驳：more or less) an effective way to improve a country's condition of education, but I do not think that this can be （一般陈述用：is） the best choice for all of us. （这一句虽然我是明白你的意思，但是不够直接，与下文照应也不工整，建议改为：but it should not be the best solution to this problem since it fall to deficiency due to several negative effects.）

I have to say (语气更加直白：confess/admit) that increasing teachers' incomes does have several advantages (语义更加明确：for propelling advancement of education quality in a country as a whole) . First, it could (不放过任何一个细节词语，注意积累这些常用词：contributes to/is beneficial to/is propitious to/conduces to) make teachers more enthusiastic about teaching. Admittedly (感情更真挚：Unfortunately), in the modern world, most teachers do not consider their jobs as something attractive. They may have more hobbies out of teachers' office. And, with little salary, they may not devote themselves in teaching, and accordingly, their quality of education will not satisfy us. So, giving teachers higher pay can be a catalyst in our effort of (感觉很别扭，建议改为to the improvement of quality in education) improving the quality of education.

Another thing that improving the salary of teachers can benefit us is that, because earning a higher pay can not only improve a person's living condition, but also increase his or her social status, it will attract more talents to engage in teaching. With great intelligence, we have reason to believe that they will make our education condition better.
(这一段说的很不地道，建议改为：Another benefit of improving the salary of teachers is that a higher pay to teachers can not only serve to make a better living condition in the economic society, but also contribute to higher social statuses to them and hence they can get more respect from others. As teachers are getting more and more respected, it is undoubtedly that there will be increasing number of talent and distinguished teachers willing to devote themselves to teaching. )

However, we cannot say that increasing teachers' salary is the best way to improve the education quality of this country, for it does have some drawbacks. One is that increasing teachers' salary means students need to pay much more money for good education than ever before (, which sets up a more insurmountable barrier to the accessibility of education of the poor students). For example, nowadays, some of the areas in China is(are) still very poor and underdeveloped, (and) most of children there cannot even pay for primary education (the primary tuition)and have to drop out from schools. Once the incomes(income) of teachers is increased, there may(must) be more and more children who will (去掉) lose the chance of education. That's one thing beyond our expectation. (不靠谱) And as I have mentioned above,(it has been mentioned above) increasing teachers' salaries may not be suitable for every country in this world.(in the global level) In some (Some) underdeveloped countries,(for instance,) increasing teachers' incomes will load the governments and its people with more pressure of money( add more economic pressure on both the governments and its people), and this shortcoming can outweigh any other advantages in such a country.

I believe that there is something more helpful than increasing teachers' salary to a country's condition of education, say, improving the laws of education may push teachers to be more professional and effective than before. All in all, I do not agree with the statement that increasing teachers' salaries is the best way for the improvement of a country's education quality.
(建议改为：
According to the discussion above, I admit that the perspective of increasing the salary of teachers in order to improve the education quality in a country is appealing in some ways, such as improving their living standard and making them more respectable, which ultimately conduce to a better teaching performance. However, we should recognize that there are also drawbacks of this policy including playing a heavier economic burden on both governments and families of children who have to pay higher tuition to school. Overall, increasing the teacher’s salary should not be the perfect way to improve the education quality. )
注：
1。 下画线的地方是我认为需要完善的，括号内是我的建议。
2。 你原文评分应该在20-22。因为虽然没有重大错误，但是句子有不少问题：句型过于简单，用词有些不当，句子有些不通顺。当然，在词汇方面，应该要求不大。还有就是论证没有说服力。比如“大部分老师都并不喜欢教学”这个前提我认为就有点站不住脚。
3。 努力方向：
a.把作文模板好好完善练习。
b.多积累常用词组词汇以及常用句型，注意句型变化。
c.因为你原文有些地方的论证显得枯竭，所以建议练习论证展开能力。
d.最快速的提高方法是看看别人怎样写的。

Answer 2

我今天刚写了这篇文章。 建议你play devil's advocate，效果不错。

Answer 3

开头用词就很普通，句式也不太好。

类似“XX人说~~~~”最好不要用，太假了。

我比较欣赏开头爽快点的，不用说别人怎样，但我怎样~~~~。

文章写improving salary好的太长了，与你的观点不符。人家会认为你走题。
建议把drawbacks提前写，要多，至少两个理由！！！！！最后再写：
However，improving salary do bring us benefits~~~~~~~~

虽然楼主字数多，但数量不等于质量！这篇作文还有大幅修改，现在看不一定能到25。

刚从战场下来，提一点自己小心得，望采纳！！！

Answer 4

前面赞同的部分 写的太多了

Answer 5

你可以到新东方批改网上提交一下啊，那里有外教帮你批改